Naikelea agaru niireie

Livejournal

2006-04-26T16:58:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go back to writing/posting in my livejournal instead of here in my blog. Why? I dunno, really, I just feel like it is all. So yeah, that's where any of my rantings/life subjects are going to be posted from now on.

http://desire-of-nymph.livejournal.com/

^-- Link for anyone who might be interested.

Insane

2006-04-25T06:56:00.000-05:00

This little project I undertook is absolutely insane, and it's trying to take over my life. *eyes it* Seriously, I even dreamt about it last night!

Two CDs

2006-04-23T03:12:00.000-05:00

Would you believe me if I told you that CDs can be the bane of an existence? Or, at least, they can very well make you feel as though you are indeed the bitchiest person in existence. Which I was full well convinced of after I learned how Ashley reacted to the CD I burned for her... oh goddess, I don't think I've ever felt so guilty! It was just something I had thought she might enjoy... but she read into it because of my mistake (I mispoke, I admit it, so this thing was indeed my fault), and I guess she had a point. Some of those songs might very well be fitting for certain things, but the majority aren't, and I never meant to hurt her! Which would be why I'm back here tonight, instead of in a cabin at Harlow Lake, like I should be.

So, Harlow Lake trip was a blast. Kayaking on the lake at night, playing games with Addie, Shannon, John, Krystle (not my suitemate), Jeff, Cathy, Jamie, Nikki, John (tall), and Ryan; hiking around, having a fire to watch, being outside... it's a beautiful place, and I wish that I could've enjoyed it more than I did. It rained while we were there too, but that was fine for the most part. I like hearing rain as it falls, and I don't even mind it falling on me most of the time. Oh yeah, tonight was probably the most fun. We were all there (we all being everyone listed above, plus me, duh), and for awhile we played Cranium. Shannon gave us cake that had been soaked in... Kalua? I don't know how to spell it, some sort of liquor. Then there was the hooka (think I spelled that right... one of those smoking-things), and THAT was good for me. Shannon told me that I should go try it, so I did, and I enjoyed myself enough to stay out there with John, Jeff, and Dan throughout a bowl and a quarter, about. Probably got my fill of smoke for awhile... but it tasted, and smelled nice, and it helped me to relax. Oh, why did I need to relax despite being in a gorgeous, wooded area with a lake right there?

Because of the CD situation mentioned in paragraph #1. I burned a CD for Ashley that I thought she'd like, not even thinking of how some of those songs might come across. So she got it Saturday morning while I was at Harlow. Then she listened to it, and informed Dan of something that made my world feel like it was crashing. I stuck around at Harlow all evening, but I decided that there was no way in hell I was staying there overnight when I could come back to Playground and set things right. I was going to set them right, damnit, because I knew how big a mistake it would be to let her sleep on that. So I drag myself through a half mile of woods in the dark, while it's pouring, carrying all my stuff, just to get back here around one in the morning and tell her all of this. Also to learn that she made me a CD as well... and she stayed in here while I listened to it. It... it... it made me feel worse about all of this, as did knowing that Nicole basically wanted to kill me, probably as much as Krystle, Missy, and Cyndi wanted to take out Ashley last week. But I deserved it, I really did. And something good did come out of this... Ashley is probably one of the best friends I've ever had this fast, and losing her would probably be like cutting off my hand, no matter what. And if thinking that those songs were true with how I felt about her made her react like that, then she wants to lose me about as much as I want to lose her.

Quick comment: Missy's funny drunk ^-^

I'm Going To Be Sick

2006-04-20T20:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt this bad in a really, really, REALLY long time... and that's saying a lot, for me. It's as though the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach absolutely exploded and is now throbbing throughout my entire body. This bad feeling is going to be one that sticks around for awhile, I can just tell, because nothing is going to be able to make it better. Anyway that it goes, something bad is going to happen.

I keep thinking of my mother and my father, of what they did when faced with the problem now commonly known as 'Katie'. And I'm sure that they were wonderful people, great friends, but neither was ready to be a parent, and neither was ready to be married. I think of my life when they were married and I cringe, I think of their divorce and I cringe even more.

Now don't get me wrong. I may think one way, but I will always be supportive of my friends, and the choices they make. I'll smile and be happy for them. I just pray to whatever gods happen to be listening right now that something happens to make this feeling leave before it gets any worse. And not because I can't take it, because I can. But because I can't stand knowing that something wrong is happening with someone I care about. That is the worst sort of knowledge that it is possible to ever have.

Forgive Me

2006-04-18T00:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I had to go and open my mouth

That my hand decided to write those words

That my tongue gave voice to them

Sorry a hundred times for that.

My apologies for the way I act around you

For the way my eyes just light up

For how I try to make you smile

My apologies over and over again.

Forgive me for what my heart decided to do

It decided to have me fall

Long, hard fall; hurt us both pretty bad

Forgive me for falling in love with you.

Pardon me please, for those mistakes that I made

For making you feel as though you had to lie

I never knew it was like that, you never told me!

Pardon me for the way that I felt.

Excuse my actions over these past few months

It was such a wonder to feel... I guess I felt too much

Never again will it happen, you can bet on that

Excuse me just once more.

Understand that I never, ever meant to cause you pain

That was my very last intent, you know that

I trusted you... you trusted me... that's what friendship's supposed to be

Understand that I'll never ask for more again.

Seek out that which you decided to hide

Hidden because of me, as I only just learned

If only you had told me sooner... why didn't you?

Seek out yourself as best as you can.

Remember all that was said

I know I will, I'll hold you to it

I'm not about to let such a friend slip away

Remember... don't forget to remember me.

Yeah... I started that one this afternoon because I just knew that I was going to need it later, and I did. Finished it now, and here's the end result. How sorry can a girl get? Pretty damn sorry, once she learns a few things she never suspected. And once she learns that she's basically losing a close friend for goddess knows how long... true friend gone, replaced by superficial. I can understand, and accept that, but I'm not going to like it. But... awhile like this will be worth it in the end, I hope. If it isn't then I don't think that I'm going to have any desire to trust anyone again, not if it ends like this. I'm going to go for a walk now. Then I'm going to start on my research paper. No, I'm not sleeping. Fuck sleep.

Better Days

2006-04-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

Now, last night and today are reasons why I totally love being up here. Yesterday was fun for the fact that I went and played softball for the first time in like, three years. Totally going to have to play at the family reunion this- oh wait, no I don't, because I'm not going there. Damnit, even the good aspects of that place don't outweigh remembering and missing Jessica. Anyhow, softball, right. Went to one of the diamonds nearby with Theresa, Mark, Mike, Bob, Chris, Tim, and Terry to play. Four to a team, and my team totally did better. We didn't keep score though, it was just for fun. Which is good, because I hit straight to the pitcher at least three times. Did catch that ball Theresa hit though... that was pretty good. Didn't even hurt myself in the process! Then what... oh yeah, came back, got my arm bandaged by Ashley again when she saw that my other bandage had been removed, watched 50 First Dates, read a bit of Sociology, and listened to lots of music.

Today involved more studying, then a picnic out in the courtyard with Ashley, Nicole, and Jon. PB&J sandwhiches are still as good as ever, and so is cream soda. We played Uno for a bit too, and I actually won once. This is a surprise because right after Jon left, Ashley and Nicole teamed up to kick my ass at it. That's okay though, because that one game never, ever ended. (At least half an hour long) Well... it sorta did, after Taylor showed up. It ended in a mini-wrestling between me and Ashley, then we just started another game. After one or two more (no, I can't remember how many more we played) Ashley decided to leave. But noooo, nothing can be that simple. She also decided she wanted to empty the remainder of her pop on me, and I decided that I didn't want that. So ensued an actual wrestling match that had to go for at least five minutes before we basically stopped. It was kinda... fun though, yeah, that's the term I want. Even if I do have a bite-mark on my back from that one to match the one on my shoulder from the first. It's fine though, I left two marks on her too. My rock-scrape decided to open back up too, but eh, it didn't really hurt until Ashley put that ointment on it again. Taylor left sometime while we were messing around, and Nicole had just sat there the entire time, typing away on her laptop. But still, that was quite fun. And the picnic was too, even though it was a little chill.

Okay, back to my Soc. studying again, and then Underworld 2 around nine with Nicole, Cat, and Amber. Damn Sociology... hope that Sally remembered to study a little this weekend >.>

Okay, have to add this in too. I was just talking with Theresa and she totally made me smile even more than I already was. We were talking about how we're both looking forward to next semester, got onto my roommate (and the former) and she did this imitation of Bob saying, "Katie is just the nicest person, it was not her that drove Jen out." Which made me grin. Sure, I'm not nice all the time (I'll own up to it), but that still made me smile. And now I'm really going to go study Soc.

I...

2006-04-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

I want to go back to the Property, and I want to go there right now. Or, at the very least, that place in Presque Isle where I felt so serene and at peace. It isn't going to happen, but I want it too. Well, I could go to Presque Isle, but my feet would probably commit suicide if I walked there, around, and then back. Not to mention that it might not be the best idea in the world for me to be near anything that high by myself for the day. I had a not-so-great night. A really not so great night. Which I still can't figure out, and believe me, I've been trying. Even after I got a touch on the drunk side, I was trying to figure it out. Even after I got put into bed by Ashley for the... umm... that must've been the third time. Can't do, there is no way to figure it out. Because it doesn't make sense, at all. I could understand a hell of a lot easier if things didn't seem like they were on a double-standard. Which, they totally are, and I know it. Everyone knows it. I want nothing more than to just cry about it, but I can't. Because right now I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything. I feel numb again.

So... what did I do with that wall...

I Hate Wednesdays

2006-04-13T01:15:00.000-05:00

Good things about today:
~Trip to Presque Isle
~Going into Marquette for a mini shopping spree with Jessica and Michelle
~Getting out of Hall Government with my skin still attached
~Pancake House discussion/movie planning

Bad things about today:
~Practically no sleep this morning
~Studying for Psych. exam
~Hall Government
~Allowing myself to get upset enough to cry a little because of a certain person not wanting to take care of herself (it's just not right, I'm sorry, but I don't think it's right that if I ever snap at her or start to argue she won't give; but if I don't give when I try to get her to do something intelligent dealing with herself, then she gets utterly pissed at me)
~Staying out until after two in the morning
~Not finishing the studying for Psych exam
~Forgetting that I was supposed to study with Sally around ten
~Doubts that I'll be sleeping
~Not being appreciated in the slightest for anything I did... a 'thank you', that's all I want. Forget I exist for the love of the goddess, but I'd love a simple acknowledgment that I did something to help a person out when I did not have to

Quick Rant

2006-04-12T14:31:00.000-05:00

I want there to be someone who sits on my shoulder and reminds me to not help people who never seem to appreciate it even in the slightest. Or people who snap at me when they're upset about something or having a bad day, just because I ask a simple question. Especially when these people are the ones who get all pissed if I snap at them even a little when I'm having an awful day. Anyone else see a double standard here? If you don't, well then you must just be blind.

...and now I just feel awful for that paragraph up there, but I'm not deleting it because every last word is true. If it pisses someone off, then I'll feel even worse, but maybe then they'll know how I feel. I'm sure they'll get over their irritation with me just like I always do. Or they won't, but they'll pretend to, and maybe (if they're in a really bitchy mood) just talk bad about me to everyone else. After all, that's the way of a girl, isn't it?

2006-04-11T00:45:00.000-05:00

Questions:
1.) Some people say I'm nice or sweet, does that mean I am?
2.) Some people say I'm the bitch from hell, does that mean I am?
3.) Some people say bad things behind my back, does that make them true?
4.) Some people say bad things to my face, does that make them better?
5.) Some people say I'm obsessed with attention, does that make it true?
6.) Some people say I'm too shy for my own good, does that make it the truth?
7.) Some people will tell me what's wrong with me right to my face, does that make them honest?
8.) Some people think that insulting others will make them feel better about themselves, does it really?
9.) Some people say one thing and then do the exact opposite, does that make them liars?
10.) Some people will never tell others what they really think about them, does that make them awful?

Answers:
1.) I guess that it really depends. At times I can be, this I will admit. And to certain people I'm always as nice as I can manage, because they deserve it more than others. Some people just need someone there to be nice or sweet to make them feel better. Others seem to want to haul off and hit me for it. So it can be true at certain times, around certain people. And if I'm not sweet or nice to the wrong people, then my apologies, let me know. So overall: Maybe

2.) To certain people, yes, I believe that I might very well seem to be the bitch from hell. Clash with my personality too much and disregard or insult me and I will be bitchy to you alot of the time. If you hurt my friends, even in the slightest, then I will be bitchy towards you no matter if I know you or not. Hurting my friends is not something I appreciate in the slightest, even if they might claim it doesn't bother them much at all. So overall: If you do the wrong thing at the right moment.

3.) Why would saying them behind my back make them any truer than saying them right in front of me? It might actually make them less than likely to be true, if you're too afraid to say them right to me. I mean, come on, all I ask is that you tell me. Don't like me? TELL ME AND I'LL FUCKING GO AWAY!!! Cold shoulder me for no reason, snap at me when I did nothing, say something untrue... that's not telling enough, I much prefer words. So overall on the whole behind-my-back: Hell no

4.) Actually, I think that it does make them better. Say something bad right to my face and at least I'll have no doubts about how you really feel. I like it much better that way, no matter how upsetting it might be. Rant about it to others to your heart's extent, but I beg that you tell me too. Right to my face, so you can see my reaction, if I have one. Otherwise I'll never know. My dreams only tell me so much, guys, I can't know everything. My head would explode if I did. So overall: Yes

5.) Saying it doesn't make it true. Saying something that untrue only makes you look like an absolute ass in my eyes, and the eyes of anyone who really knows me. If I really wanted attention, then guess what I would do? Cut myself again, make fresh scars, and wear a short sleeved t-shirt to show off the bright red marks. Or just up and start screaming for no reason at all. Maybe run through campus buck-naked. I sure as hell wouldn't keep so many things bottled up and tell only little bits and pieces when the mood strikes me if I wanted attention. I would tell the world. So... overall: Nope

6.) Could, even though the whole saying it still doesn't mean all that much. I do spend a decent amount of time each day alone, or just with people with whom I've already established some sort of relationship with. Meeting new people is fine and all, in small dosages, but I can get shy in front of large groups, or when I just get put right on the spot. So overall: True in some ways, but not because anyone says it's so.

7.) Sure does. I have extreme amounts of respect for people who can tell me (or anyone for that matter) what they think of them right to their face. It would make life a whole lot easier if everyone just did that, instead of trying to hide it or make everything seem nice. It might prevent some drama too... and keep people from playing off of other's pain to get attention for themselves; if they'll just say what they think straight out instead of waiting until they have the perfect words to make everyone listen to them, no matter if it brings the first person's pain back or not. So overall: Yes'm

8.) It might very well. But if it does then you need severe help with that particular dysfunction of yours. Although everyone does it in small doses, it helps keep us all sane, but there is a line that must be drawn. Cross that line a couple of times and you're going to become the local gossip who is always talking and never, ever shutting her mouth. Hurting other people, even those you claim to care about, might not even matter to you... so long as you feel better for some sick reason by tearing everyone around you down. Someday you might even hope that they hear everything, it'll make it better. So overall: Maybe, but who cares?

9.) Depends on the circumstances, really. Now, if you say that you hate a certain someone and then go act all cheerily happy and friendly towards them, then I'm going to say you're either a liar or a hypocrit. ESPECIALLY if you tell others to do the exact opposite of what you did. I mean... seriously, who does that? And why? In other cases it may be understandable to a certain extent, but only in some cases. The majority are not 'some cases', they are just what they appear to be. People saying one thing and doing its polar opposite because it's easier. Except... life isn't easy, trust me on that one, I've one through enough to know. Overall: Most likely.

10.) It very well can, unless, of course, you never know said person. Now if this person is supposedly your friend and you go months without telling them what you really think of them, then I'm going to slip in a vote in favor of you being on the awful side. If you don't like someone (such as a 'friend' not liking me for example) then just tell them why you don't. They shouldn't take too much offense at your opinion. After all, it's only your opinion, not everyone else's. And you might very well be doing them a great favor by pointing out something that might need to be changed. So overall: It can be awful, but it can always be good as well.

2006-04-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

So... I have this feeling right in the pit of my stomach that I'm doing something beyond extremely wrong. And right beside it is this other lump of... emotion, I guess, or maybe an idea, that hasn't been there like it is in quite a long time. Not sure if that's good or not. It could be good, potentially, but it could also not be. I guess it all stems from a single comment, damn those things. Oh no, wait, it stems more from several than a single one. Hmmm... no, no time to dwell on that now. I have other things I need to get done before movie-time with Sally and Jess, if we decide to do that tonight after all. If not, t hen I'm popping my sleeping pills and hoping that they work since I've gotten maybe an hour of sleep altogether in the past fifty hours or so... which kinda sucks. Bleh, oh well, maybe it'll mean that I can sleep without the nightmares of that girl... or of certain family members. At least the ones with my family aren't real dreams, I think I'd have never come back up here if they were. Then there's the one, really short dream that always cuts off before it finishes... and I just know it's going to happen before semester's end! At least it's not a nightmare though, it's one of the very few real dreams that don't make me wake up wanting to cry. Although, in a way it does, because it's not real at the time, still only a dream. Which kinda bites.

And I am drained beyond belief... silly me thought that I could manage to get a bit of energy when I got dragged to church this morning. Hell no, that was an absolutely awful idea. It put me to sleep five times! Maybe I can get some off of Ash sometime this week, preferably before my Psych. exam on Thursday. Being sleepy during that would be beyond bad... I have got to get an A on it, it's an absolute must.

Oh yeah, revise paper, start research for paper due next Monday, and get started on my Presentation for Freshman Seminar. That one'll be easy though, since it can be on any subject that I so choose.

Passed Out

2006-04-09T07:18:00.000-05:00

I just have to make a few remarks before I go get ready to get my happy little self dragged off to church... oh joy! No, not really oh joy, not at all in fact. Don't really want to go, but I kinda have to. But anyhow:

Being 'passed out' is fun!!! It's basically where you get all of your oxygen cut off really fast, so you pass out. Only you dream while you're passed out, even though you're not out for more than five or ten seconds most of the time. Apparently I wasn't even out for two before they were waking me up again (because John dropped me so I hit my head on the chair and they were worried that I was hurt or something like that). But I had one crazy dream... rainbows, talking mice, a well, falling... insanity, I'm telling you, but fun!

Oh yeah, me, John, Danny, Rachel, and Nick spent about two hours just walking around Breckenridge last night. This included a trip to the cemetary, which was kinda freaky, but adreline rushed at the same time. It kinda makes me sad to realize that I'll be leaving soon enough and this won't happen again for a really long time... but ah well, I'm going back to Northern. Love it there, really do, and I miss my friends.

Weekend w/ the Family

2006-04-08T18:25:00.000-05:00

So on Thursday I rode down from uni with Ashley and Mandy, so that I could spend the weekend at Aunt Cherrie's in order to see the important members of my family who I actually get along with. Which would equal Kendra, Rachel, Aunt Cherrie, Uncle Matt, Nick (brother), and Danny. Oh yeah, and John too. He came up to Michigan from California to visit with all of us, which is great. Haven't seen him in over ten years, though I've talked with him on AIM plenty of times since I actually got his screenname earlier this year. But yeah, it's been great to be around all of them. I've been having an absolute blast, I really have. We went to the mall earlier today (minus Danny, Aunt Cherrie, and Uncle Matt) and that was plenty of fun. Got this absolutely awesome rainbow pin that reads 'Recruiter' and I'm currently wearing it right on my shirt, letting the whole family (because they're all here!!!) see it as much as they want. IT's caused a few bits of trouble already, along with my inability to not keep my mouth shut, but I'm fine with that. Let them bitch at me, I'll get over it once I get to leave again.

Because grandma, oh such a lovely woman, got started on me half an hour after she got here. Wasn't that wonderful of her to do? It's because she asked what sort of groups I was in on campus, so I told her straight out. And she started arguing with me about it, arguing on it, doing all the things that I knew she would do. Made me mad, so I went outside and spent awhile jumping on the trampoline. Calmed me down a decent bit, as did knowing that the majority of people here will back me instead of her. Mom's not here; Keith's not here; the extremely religious ones are not here. Although Uncle Dan and Aunt Jen might have had at me if they had heard what I was arguing with her about. Let them... I need to get it off so that they all understand why I might not want to leave Marquette more than a few times a year.

This next part is hilarious. Uncle Dan demanded to know if I was hanging around with any guys, and then he specified by asking if I had a boyfriend or a guy I liked. I think that I, and whoever else heard, nearly fell over laughing. And now I'm going, because I'm tired of having certain people tell me about their problems when they're the same things and easy to take care of, if only they'd look at the easy solution. It BOTHERS me!!! Or people who lie about how they're doing in school, about what they can do with school, about their 'problems'... ANNOYING!!!!! Dude, I'm the one who needs a massage, I don't need to give my cousins anymore.

Ouch

2006-04-06T00:50:00.000-05:00

So I did something really stupid today (a.k.a. klutzy/dropped bed on foot) and am now sitting with my leg propped up while I write this, since there is no way I'm going to be able to sleep just now. Maybe soon though, although it doesn't really matter. I've gotten a consensus that I should probably not do the whole go-to-class thing tomorrow. It'll get boring, sitting here with my foot propped up, but in the long run it's probably better to do that then to make it even worse than it already is. That and I really don't want people to get mad at me for not taking proper care of myself. And while I extremely resent having been forced into this bandage, I totally understand why, and after my initial sulking I got over it. Now the whole Ashley trying to convince me to let her carry me, that part I would refuse to the ends of the earth. Mainly because she has back problems and only just recently hurt her knee. Not gonna let her hurt herself more just because I'm hurt. I did let Shannon (Pagan Moon's new V.P.) drive me back from the U.C. after the meeting though, and support me the whole way in. I was beyond just extremely grateful for that, any othe rway would have probably had me falling over and staying wherever I landed until someone came around and found me.

Did have a mini-cryfest going for around twenty minutes though. Yes, it hurt that bad, and I'm worried about going downstate for the weekend. Have no clue of how that one is going to end up going, what with the whole mother/step-father/grandmother element mixed all together on Sunday for a few hours... just a few hours though, then I'm gone to come back up here. There's also the other element that seems to be common even more nowadays then it has been. Maybe it's there more because I'm realizing just how much of a coward I am. Or because I'm starting to see just how silly I was all along. Not that that one is new or anything, when am I not silly or doing something absolutely foolish that ends in nothing but pain or stress? Not that this whole matter is over yet, it's just not very much fun most of the time right now. Confusion sucks big time, and definitely not in a good way.

Eh, back to talking with Dahlia. It's nice to get back in touch with her... a little strange, but not in a bad way, exactly. At least it's not Tiff, Tiff was an absolute nut. I wish it was Nicole... goddess do I ever miss that woman! I could so go for an intelligent discussion with her right now, about anything. But that's a story for another time, when my foot isn't throbbing like mad.

Room All To Myself

2006-04-04T19:43:00.000-05:00

Yay for having a room that has no one but me living in it, I absolutely love that. Beyond love it, it's one of the best things that has happened to me in the past two weeks. My room seems bigger now, and more empty, granted, but I happen to like it more that way than I did any other. A lot more, as I said before. No, I'm not going to get over just how much I like it. Well, okay, maybe I will, in about a week or two. Once I finish sticking things up, things that'll be coming right back down before too long. But ah well, I don't mind packing them up. So long as the walls aren't to bland I'll be perfectly fine. Bland walls are extremely hard for me to deal with for long periods of time.

One weight slightly lifted... I saw who the guy in my dreams was, and I told Ash. Didn't want to tell her; I hate having dreams like this! They never do anyone any good at all, so what's the real point? Well... okay, maybe once in awhile if I get listened to and some things get changed at least a little then they help, but otherwise they are useless. And most people don't like changing, or some may even be physically incapable of it, so it doesn't really do much. But... at least they'll know it can happen, maybe it helps them a little. Because I hate seeing people I care about in pain, any sort of pain, so I try to do my best to make sure it never happens. Even if it never seems like I do.

I'm liking this room more and more as time goes on! People seem a lot more relaxed when they come in, they'll just step in and plop right down on my bed or in a spare chair and chat away. I love it! It's so nice to just... talk with anyone who passes by and have them just come in and feel that at ease. I hope it's like this next year too. Though I'm almost positive it will be, Christel is friendly, so she won't have a problem with it. Yayness on that count.

No yayness on being forced to stay away from the orphanage. I'm being bloody well compelled to go there, but I can't! Dan said that I'm not to go there without him or Ashley, and I'm not allowed to go in without him there with me. It's just... going there will make at least those dreams start. True, other ones might start up in their place, but at least those ones will be gone. But no, no one has the time to come with me, and I understand that. It's just... I wish they'd at least say that they understand how hard it is for me to stay away. I felt like such a little child today with how Ashley was talking, as though I knew nothing. I do know, I know that I'll get hurt if I go back, maybe worse than what's on my arm and that one looks a touch nasty still. But I have to go there, and I will before the end of the semester. Somehow.

Off My Mind

2006-04-03T09:23:00.000-05:00

There are very few things going through my head right now, and I want none of them there. Oh no, wait, I like one of them, one of them is quite nice.

1.) I cannot stop thinking about the orphanage, I even dreamed of being there. Not a normal dream either. Only... part of it cannot possibly come true. It can't! Jess is dead... I can't see her again.
2.) I still need to finish my damned essay that I found reasons to put off writing all weekend... again. It's due at 2:00, I can manage by then, so long as I skip Soc.
3.) One of my friends is going to get hurt by a guy. I know which friend, I just don't know which guy it'll be, but it's going to happen. Now I just have to debate whether or not it'd be worth it to tell her that I had the dream, again, because I've had it a few times before.

4.) (good thing) Absolutely thrilled for one of my friends. *bounces* Yay for her, yayayayayayayay yay! ^_^

Steely Gray to Rose

2006-04-02T02:24:00.000-05:00

Describing how I feel by way of colors is a LOT easier than trying to put the actual name to the emotion. And I totally mean it. Like today, when I went to the lake, I was as steely gray as the waves. Then about an hour and a half ago I was totally rose. Like, pale pink, blushing red. Multiple reasons two. A) According to Dan's roommate, Zach, (which would be where I spent most of the night, with them and Ashley and Krystle) I was quite the cute one, and he was dissapointed to learn that I don't swing for guys. B) I was kinda buzzed, so I was happy. C) I finally gave Ashley her foot massage and that was actually quite enjoyable. Haven't given a proper one of those for awhile, but apparently I still have it, because Ash was practically mush by the time that I finished. Took over an hour too! But I don't really mind, it proves that my hands are still as strong and nimble as they've ever been. And people wonder why I take such good care of my hands? So that I can do things like that for hours on end!

Alright... totally been putting off my personal/wild card essay for Composition all weekend, which is bad since my tomorrow is beyond just a little busy. Have to help with making cheesecakes for the Pagan Moon bakesale next Wednesday and Thursday. All my fingers are crossed for making as much as we need for the camping trip. Or, at the very least, so that we can put back in the amount we took out and then some. Oh yeah, gotta pay Vanessa back too. She's a saint, I swear she has to be after lending us $100 so that we could actually buy the cream cheese that we need in order to make these things.

Paper time! Then maybe sleepy time... and dear goddess, I hate springing an hour forward in the spring! *wanders off grumbling*

Too Much

2006-03-30T03:36:00.000-05:00

It's too much to handle, I think. She has her own room hours, and I now want my own as well. And, damnit all, I am going to have them. She may be avoiding me, refusing to answer my email and IMs, but she is not going to be able to avoid giving me my room hours just as well as she gets her own. That, and she had Adam in here during the day when it was not her room hours!!! He is not to be in here at any time but those, that was made very, very clear during the meeting yesterday.

Oh yeah, I'm going to be the new committee-head for the Religious Tolerance Committee branch of Pagan moon. Jamie decided to step down and I offered to take it over. For several reasons, in fact. One of which is that I really think that I can do some things that will move the committee forward and get it more involved, get it doing what it was meant to do instead of just articles. Not that the articles are a bad thing, they do need to get done, but there's so much more that could be being done! And I'm going to see if I can somehow manage to get at least some things done before the end of the semester rolls around. Not much time to work with, but hey, at least I can give it my best shot. While I'm not busy trying to write this or that paper for Composition, that is.

Shakespeare's sonnet 17.... yeah, I'll be thinking about that poem for awhile now. Not unhappily though, not at all.

Can't Stop Shaking

2006-03-27T01:49:00.000-05:00

From my waist down finally stopped, but from there up I'm still trembling like a newborn kitten and I don't think it's going to stop anytime soon. I'm still scared out of my wits and I think that if I saw Adam right now I'd probably break down again. He had no right, no right!!!, to just start screaming at me like that. I'd been back for maybe two hours and I'm being accused of making Jen cry, of being a bitch, of making Jen put up with my crap all semester, of being friends with people who manipulate me, of not caring.... Maybe if it had all been in a level tone I could have handled it easier, figured out what the hell was going on. But no, he gets right up in my face and starts shouting at me. Just like Keith used to do whenever I failed at something. He wouldn't leave either, refused to until Jen was out of the shower. Because, of course, he couldn't yell with her there to hear it. I'm guessing that he only sees and hears what people 'apparently' do to Jen, not what she does right back, or even first. I haven't done anything to her! I've put up with her, listened to her, tried to help her out despite the fact that she doesn't usually return the favor (except for the rare few occasions). So Adam wouldn't leave, wouldn't stop screaming at me, so I left. And he yelled, "Yeah that's right, run right to Ashley, the bitch!" But that's not where I went. Dara was there, and I collapsed right next to her door, hardly able to breathe for how hard I was crying.

Then someone, I have no honest idea of who it was, was asking if I was alright and Dara told them to go back to their room. I think they said 'Oh my god' as they left, but then I was going into Dara's room, crying more and trying to tell what had happened. But I was so damn confused! I hardly said thirty words (if even) to Jen and I made her cry?? I'm the bitch, I'm the one who has to be put up with... no, I'm not getting it even now. Yes, there are times when I want to tell Jen to just shut up because the world doesn't revolve around her, she can't always have things go her way, people can be nice even if she doesn't like them anymore... but overall she's not a bad person, just annoying, and frustrating, at times. She never said she had problems with me, nor did Adam. I... Dara and Kelly might be right. It has to be all his built-up anger that just got taken out on me because I was the avaliable target. And Goddess preserve... Kelly thinks I should press charges! Because what he did is a form of assault, especially since I continued to feel extremely threatened over an hour later. I still feel beyond scared... I think that when Sally opens the door in the morning I'm just going to collapse against her and sob.

I severely need to be held right now. But of the four people who I want to be held by, only two are up here... Sally's dead to the world and Ashley's been having enough trouble sleeping. I'm not going to bother her again, a good friend wouldn't do that. Would they? Allee is over six hours away... and Jessica isn't even in reach anymore; she's gone forever. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep. I just texted dad to tell him that he has to call me in the morning before class, I have to tell him what happened and see what he thinks I should do. I need to print out my paper for Composition tomorrow. I need to finish the article on Circle Casting for R.T.C. I need to calm down... damnit, am I just a basketful of needs right now?!

I hope that no one was too disturbed by the shouting earlier (since it happened at about midnight), especially if they were sleeping. I didn't mean to yell, but I was afraid he was going to follow me. And he couldn't hear me if I didn't yell back, and I wanted him to stop... damnit, I'm crying again...

At least I will not cut myself. That is an extremely positive thing.

"Milwaukee Madness"

2006-03-26T23:00:00.000-05:00

That is SO going to become a book, I swear to everything that it can't not be. A double-book told from my perspective with the other half being told from Ashley's. It WAS absolute and utter madness, but a load of fun at the same time. Totally going to do it again next year, but hopefully without the elements that weren't so much fun. Like the ride back, that wasn't pleasant for the majority of the time. Stopping and staring up at the stars in the middle of nowhere was wonderful, they were sooooo gorgeous. The fact that two vehicles (one with two old people and the other with a lady) stopped to make sure that we were okay was perfectly fine by me. If it had involved them getting out of their vehicles it wouldn't have been so fine, but they didn't, so it was.

Rent was FABULOUS!!!! Beyond fabulous, I am soooooooooo glad that I went to see it. Even better that I went with Ashley, because she appreciated and enjoyed it just as much as I did. That, and no one else would have been able to get me to dress up as much as I did. Oh yes, I looked all nice and pretty, apparently. Bought a little black dress at the mall (Ash's idea), heels (that are cute, I must admit), and wore both to the theatre. My hair was done too, so all in all I must admit that I liked it. I felt more than a little naked because A) the dress was a strapless and B) I was in a DRESS of all things!!! And the world did not stop spinning... as amazing as that sounds, it is totally true. I wore a dress without being held at gunpoint and the world is still like it was yesterday.

Ah yes, got lost a total of three and a half times during our little trip to Milwaukee. First time was when we were attempting to find our way to the Sheraton. Never ever taking directions from anyone again, unless I know that they have been there recently and remember it clearer than good glass. Second time was... wait, was that when we were trying to find the mall or was getting lost looking for the hotel the actual second time? Eh, it's late and I don't remember for sure. I'll have to ask Ashley tomorrow. The third time was after Rent in the ghetto of Milwaukee, which was NOT fun.

And I might write more tomorrow. Now I'm done because I feel like it. That, and I'm trying to figure out whether or not I want to talk to Jen tonight or wait until she's over her cold. Depends on what she says when she comes back and if Adam's with her. I think I might say that I don't want him in here tonight, which I really don't for some reason.

When Will I Learn?

2006-03-23T01:16:00.000-05:00

I think the answer to that is never when it comes to almost everything. But probably mostly when it comes to the matters that I think it applies to tonight. And those would be my promises to various things promising to not let anyone else get involved with all the issues that are currently circling about in my life. It means that I basically have to evade the truth to an extreme measure that is even difficult for me (and I've usually been able to skirt the truth rather well in the past) to manage or tell lies. The evading the truth has been kinda working, especially when mixed with various small lies that no one will probably notice I'm telling since I'm already edgy or something like that. I hate it though, because I feel awful about it. Although, truth be told, I didn't exactly lie tonight, I just told the most I could without feeling like my promise was being broken. I hate breaking promises even more than I hate lying. Especially when one of the promises is probably what's going to keep me in college until this bloody behavior agreement is lifted in about a year.

If only my mind would stop whirling then it might be easier to deal with everything else. But it won't until I actually have the nerve to consider the two, maybe three on certain days, issues that are causing my head to go in absolute circles. The main two ones are people, one of whom is here while the other is nowhere near me, and the third is... well... I don't know exactly how to describe it. Whatever the hell it is that causes me to get so damn drained all the time! And I'm not going to replenish what's lost because I've got this thing against doing it to people I actually like in case they get too tired... and then with the people I don't like I know exactly what I'd do, and that is make them too tired so that they either sleep or get sick. Done it several times, in fact. I feel guilty about it too, so I generally avoid it unless I have no other choice. Best thing is people I don't really know all that well, except for the fact that I'm rarely close enough to them for long enough for it to work. Guess it's some weird thing about me, but there has to be some sort of contact. Like when you're standing in a really crowded area for a long time so you're brushing up against someone for five or ten minutes. Haven't really done that much here. Haven't been taking anything from anyone conciously, in fact. Unconciously... only a few times, like when I fell asleep with Ashley when I had the flu last month. Or when I fell asleep in Sociology that one time with my shoulder brushed against Sally's. Hmmm, I see the pattern here. If I fall asleep touching someone then I can't help myself. Oh goddess... what if I do that this weekend? Shit.

Okay, I need to read one more section in Psychology and then I'm climbing into bed. Meeting Sally at nine so that we can get more Psychology studying done before our exam at noon. I think that we're going to end up just skipping Sociology entirely; not like we'll miss anything extremely important. Missing one day's attendance will not be killer when it comes to the extra credit. But failing a Psychology exam would totally be a bad thing. Very, very, VERY bad.

Oh The Possibilities...

2006-03-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

Now if only I didn't have to turn this rough draft back in after I make all the proper corrections and adjustments then I would totally tear it up. It is the paper from hell, it manages to make me twitch that much just by being in existence. Apparently it's rather good with nice metaphors and such, but it just gets under my skin and I am the one who wrote the bloody thing!!!! I never want to write another compare/contrast paper again for so long as I live.

Ugh

2006-03-20T15:31:00.000-05:00

That is so the noise a cave person would make. But oh well, it fits just now. Because I, Katie, the good one who never does anything bad, offically did something beyond stupid that I'm almost positive I'm never going to do again.

I got beyond wasted Saturday night. Like, so bad that I had to be carried down the stairs and it didn't even take me an hour to get that way. Lesson One: Katie is a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Lesson Two: Katie is never drinking anything that fast again. Lesson Three: Katie is never drinking again, period, unless there is an EXTREMELY good reason. Although, in my defense, I was either going to get drunk for the first time Saturday or I was going to do something even dumber because that's the kind of mood Friday and Saturday combined had put me into. So I got completely wasted and then I got completely sick. As in I was throwing up from late Saturday night until late Sunday night. No headache whatsoever though, other than the bruise I had collected from hitting my head against the wall in the bathroom.

Best part of the whole thing... I've learned that I'm a happy drunk. At least my curiousity about that particular fact has been completely sated and I never have to speculate about it again for so long as I live. Worst part was most definitely a tie between the extreme sickness and having to go out to lunch with my grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, and three younger cousins on Sunday while I was still unable to keep anything (water included) down. It took a whole five minutes for my aunt and uncle to figure it out, so I got a mini-lecture on that. Hopefully grandma and grandpa remained clueless. Otherwise they will tell my mother and she will attempt to call and lecture me as well. I already dragged myself through hell, I don't want to listen to it in addition.

Oh yes, this one is quite interesting. Apparently there is a rumor circulating that Sally and I have something more going than just friendship. And it's not even something that came out of Playground, oh no, the person who said it is from Smokehouse. But he is in my block of classes, so that's probably why. Which means that it's circulating there, which explains some of the looks we've been getting. Bastards. Don't people have enough going on in their own lives to not have to talk about others? I know I sure as hell do. Even if I didn't naturally then my friends give me plenty just by existing. And then there's my creativity which gives me things to write so I don't need to talk...

After looking through my poetry book I see that I have fifty-nine poems written to date. Six of which are dedicated to actual people; five people to be exact. Yep, one person has more than one poem in there. Seven of the titles are in cursive, which means that they mean an exceptional deal more than any of the others to me, and four of the names are as well. Three of the poems have no title. Half or more were written just this year. And the majority of them are not very happy at all. But this little notebook is almost full, I have a feeling it might be finished with by the end of the semester if not before.

Now I need to go back to reading my psychology book, because I have an exam on Thursday. I have two more papers to get written, two to read/correct, and one to revise by Friday. Holy hell. But hey, Friday I leave to go to Milwaukee to see RENT with Ashley and I'm really excited about that one. We'll be borrowing Shannon's car so it's like a little roadtrip. And then there's the whole seeing RENT... yeah, that's what is going to get me through the rest of this week for sure.

Ah yes, I'm almost all better now. My stomach is only a little upset and I've only had to gag back bile three or so times. No throwing up at all, yay for me. And yay for Rachael giving me pretzels last night, first thing that stayed down.

Some People Are Just Born To Be One Thing

2006-03-18T00:17:00.000-05:00

I've wondered sometimes if maybe I've always known what I'm going to be, what's going to end up happening with my life. I was never like my friends or cousins when it came to the hazy 'I'm going to be this when I grow up!' Because they always wanted to be something else the moment it caught their attention. Sure as hell not like my brother, who changed his mind at least three times a month. Now he only changes it every two or so. Not that it's a bad thing by any measures, I'm not saying that at all. Some people have to do that, and it's for the best. Other people do it to a lesser degree. And then there are the people (like me) who have that central idea that never changes, although what they tell everyone may change a couple of times.

Writer. I don't know how many of my friends (and even my family who can't help but notice no matter how little attention they pay) have told me that I write too much for my own good. A rare few have encouraged it; like grandma Marlyn and Marce. Nicole too... wow. Thinking about her produces nothing more than a sting now, and a brief flash of her face. Anyhow, those are the three people who have encouraged me most. Oh, and Miss Nietling and Mrs. Terrian, they really liked some of my poetry. Those people encouraged me in my writing, or helped me to work out parts that were too rough.

They were the minority though, always. Dad and mom always said that I should take up a career that would support me. Well, after I told them when I was like, five, that I was going to take care of myself without anyone's help. I think that was the same day that they told me that they had always wanted a son, not a daughter.... yep, same day. And let's face it, writing isn't one of those things that gets you a steady job. Unless you're a journalist or something like that, and I don't like journalism all that much to tell the truth. I find it dry, dull, and uninteresting. I'm a good enough one, not that I'm bragging, it's just that it doesn't interest me near enough as writing poems and stories, maybe even plays, does. Journalism doesn't involve near as much creativity.

Anyhow, back to that main topic up there. I'm in college to become a politican or a lawyer. Not exactly the field where someone who writes poetry and fantasy stories would typically be found, eh? I think that, no matter if I become a successful lawyer or not, I will end up writing anyhow. It's like an addiction, only not the kind that needs therapy. Writing can be a sort of therapy for me. I'm a writer. Ever since I learned what writing was I couldn't learn how to do it fast enough and my first story was written when I was in kindergarten.

Before my babbling gets too bad I'm going to cut this entry off and finish up the poem that popped into my head after Ashley left. Not only does that girl appear in my real dreams within the first week of my meeting her, but she also triggers all these little poem and story ideas inside of me. Some are silly, this I admit freely, but some actually turn out pretty good. I rather like this poem right here, it could be used for so much. Written because of her and how she was talking, but other people could no doubt connect to it. Gotta love poems like that.

There Are Times...

2006-03-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

When I regret ever cutting myself off from my emotions. That's definitely not right now, but there are times. Those are times when I feel nothing at all, not these random, sporadic, utterly uncontrollable spurts where I feel so much that I just want to scream until it all goes away. Why does it have to be when something bad happens?! Why can't I feel nothing then? Tears with no feeling would be so much better right now than these ones are. They hurt, they hurt oh so bad. I'm not used to emotional pain like this, not anymore. Mentally I'm used to it, no matter how bad that got, and physical pain is something that I'd take any day... but I can't do that anymore. No more using physical pain to make the emotional go away. I have to deal with it, I have to handle it and get through, somehow. I don't know if I remember how to.

I just wish... I wish that she was in perfect health again. Or even that she would die; if that would stop her suffering. What hurts me the most is knowing that she's in so much pain and she doesn't even DESERVE it!!!!

Whoa...

2006-03-13T18:44:00.000-05:00

I like the snow, this is a very true statement. I like the cold, something else that's true. Now what I don't like is when the two get combined into this blizzard-like weather that has been going on since like, ten this morning. Especially when it's hard little pellets of snow or those huge wet flakes that make you look as though you just walked out of a rainstorm. My hair looked nice this morning... until I stepped outside. Now it's in a ponytail under a baseball cap because I got tired of brushing it out. Yes, I got tired of brushing it. It was bloody annoying.

Looks nice outside though, really cool. If classes get cancelled tomorrow then I'm sure it'll look even nicer to me. Because I have Psychology lab and, while I don't care one way or the other about the class itself, I kinda want it to happen because I only have it once a week. That, and it means dragging myself outside at eight in the morning. I don't really like having to do that, not even once a week. Now imagine if I had to do it every day... yuck.

Happy to be back up here at Northern!! ^_^ Jessica and Sally already want to go home and I never want to again. Total opposites. Though they have good reasons and I have good reasons so I guess it's just in how you look at it.

Oh yeah, my sleeping pills work if I take more than I'm supposed to. They also make me not really care about anything. And that includes changing my clothes with other people in the room (which I rarely do) and with the door wide open (which I NEVER do). So yeah... that was weird.

2006-03-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

All I really have to say is that I don't like it here and I don't want to be here anymore. Thank goddess I leave tomorrow, I couldn't take more than another day of my family without serious thoughts of never coming back even to visit. Multiple reasons, I'll be brief on them because Elise and them will be here soon and, with the exception of my immediate family, I haven't seen any of them since Christmas and I know they'll bombard me with questions about college. Please, PLEASE let there be no more 'So, Katherine, which guy are you interested in?' I don't think I even want to get into that discussion again, I've already had it eight or nine times.

1.) My grandma Jackie lied to me, again. I agreed to go to the mall with her on Tuesday and she said it'd just be the two of us. (Seriously, when have I ever passed up the chance to go to the mall? They have an excellent bookstore!) But my mother came along. I handled it pretty well, though they both cried and played the guilt trip on me. Grandma keeps calling me and Kendra too, trying to guilt me into seeing mom one more time or letting her talk to me. No. Can't and won't.

2.) I'm being treated as though I'm five-years-old. 'Oh, but you can't walk there by yourself!' Uhhh, yes I can, and I just did. It's not even cold or dangerous outside, people. Seriously, it's been in the upper fifties for the past five days. Warm! I'm not going to wear gloves and my winter coat in that.

3.) Don't force food on me or make me feel guilty for not eating it. This is last year's problem all over again. I'm NOT anorexic!!!!!!! Just because I don't eat huge meals or every single meal doesn't mean that I haven't eaten enough.

4.) Yes, I'm aware that insomnia is not a good thing, I don't enjoy it either. Shoving pills on me won't help, I'll get over it in due time.

5.) I'm NOT transferring to SVSU or Delta! For the sake of everything holy, no! I don't want to be closer to my family, I can't stand a single week around my family and I didn't spend a lot of time around them at all. I don't like this area of the state and there is no way I'll come back here to live. Deal with it.

...I want to go back to Northern. I can't wait. I just want to go sit on the lakeshore and think, there's nowhere that peaceful around here.

List Thingy - 'cause I can

2006-03-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

CURRENT
CLOTHES: Pair of dark blue jeans, blue socks and my Northern shirt because I don't feel like putting anything else on.
MOOD: Numb. Yes, damnit, that IS a mood.
MUSIC: The RENT Soundtrack... I'm so totally obsessed
TASTE: Pepsi, because that's what I just took a drink of.
MAKE-UP: *falls over laughing* hahahahahaha. I don't wear make-up unless I get forced into it.
HAIR: A little above my shoulders, and curling under in that damn annoying way I despise. It always does this when I'm at home. Oh yeah, it's dark brown still
ANNOYANCE: I don't have anywhere decent to sit so my lower back is killing me
SMELL: My Raindrops hand lotion.
FAVORITE ARTIST: Music artist or artist-artist? Either way I can't pick just one, though Sarah McLachlan might top my list right now.
DESKTOP PICTURE: The RENT poster...
FAVORITE GROUP: Hmm... probably still The Corrs
BOOK YOU'RE READING: One Degree of Seperation, Herscopes, and Connecting (I can never be reading just one)
DVD IN PLAYER: Downstairs it's Family Guy, in the living room it's Yours, Mine, and Ours and in Kristen's room it would be In Her Shoes.
COLOR OF TOENAILS: natural
REFRESHMENT: Pepsi, yummy
WORRY: Getting my portfolio finished, whatever the hell these things are following me, grandma Marlyn,, my sanity, ...Ashley

LAST PERSON
TOUCHED: I don't know, I'm not sure if I've even touched anyone since I came home. So it was probably Sally
YOU TALKED TO: Grandma Joan
HUGGED: Sally
YOU INSTANT MESSAGED: Kendra
YOU YELLED AT: My mother, big shock there... not
KISSED: Brandon; hey, who can resist a cute little five-year-old asking for a kiss on the cheek? Even if he IS the spawn of satan.

FAVORITES
FOOD: Salad! ^-^ Fettucini Alfredo is good too.
DRINK: Pepsi Twist or Lemon and Raspberry tea
COLOR: Really pale or really dark green
ALBUM: Rent Soundtrack
SHOES: My tennis shoes when I can't go barefoot
CANDY: Umm.... anything chocolate
ANIMAL: Oh goddess... ummm... wolf, tiger, lynx, and falcon or hawk
TV SHOW: Golden Girls, Out of Practice (Regina is totally the best characer EVER)
MOVIE: Rent, Alexander, Better Than Chocolate
DANCE: I don't really dance
SONG: It never stays the same for long... so for now I'm going to go with 'Take Me Or Leave Me' and 'Without You' from the RENT soundtrack. 'Building a Mystery' by Sarah McLachlan rocks too
VEGETABLE: Just one? Alright, alright... carrots
FRUIT: Bananas, pomegrantes, raspberries, peaches
CARTOON: ...Fairly Odd Parents. So sue me!

ARE YOU
UNDERSTANDING: Most of the time
OPEN-MINDED: Definitely
ARROGANT: Regretably, I can be quite arrogant in the right circumstance
INSECURE: When it comes to certain things I am very insecure
INTERESTING: I'm pretty sure that I am, otherwise people wouldn't want to be around me
RANDOM: Sometimes
HUNGRY: Nope
SMART: I do believe so, yes
MOODY: Heh... I wouldn't use 'moody' since I don't feel so much, but I can change in a flash
CHILDISH: When I'm sick or pissed because people are trying to tell me what to do
HARDWORKING: Yepyep
ORGANIZED: Eh... not really
HEALTHY: Most of the time
SHY: Quite a bit, though not so much around friends
DIFFICULT: Most of the time I am very difficult. My friends are learning how to get around that though... damn them knowing my weakness, damn them straight
BORED EASILY: Only if I have no interestin book or no ideas to write down
MESSY: Not overly so
THIRSTY: Always
RESPONSIBLE: When it comes to certain things
OBSESSED: You betcha
ANGRY: I was
SAD: Don't know
HAPPY: Nope
HYPER: Not at the moment, but I definitely can be
TRUSTING: Not a snowball's chance in hell that I trust a lot of people. I trust very, very, VERY few. And that happens to include myself.
TALKATIVE: Heh... yeah

WHO DO YOU WANT TO?
KILL: Since who I really want to off is protected really well... my mother and step-father
SLAP: Mom
GET REALLY WASTED WITH: I seriously want to see Ashley when she's drunk... though I'm not so sure I'd want to be drunk too.
GET HIGH WITH: I don't want to get high
TALK TO OFFLINE: More people than I talk to online, that's for sure
TALK TO ONLINE: Kirsten, Kendra and Marcela
MY NAME IS: ...Katherine
IN THE MORNING I AM: Checking my email before heading off to breakfast and class with Sally
ALL I NEED IS: My sanity? Nah, I need my friends, I admit it, no matter how much I want to push them all away at times.
LOVE IS: Something that can't be labeled
I'M AFRAID OF: Being forgotten
I DREAM ABOUT: Publishing my stories or poems one day.

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX (let's just say it's SAME SEX for me)
WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: Eyes, and then their hands. I can't help it, I like hands
LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: Probably Tyger
WHO MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: I don't know, probably Sally and Jessica
WHO MAKES YOU SMILE: My friends, most especially Ashley or Sally
GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: Ashley. Every single damn time
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: ...Ashley, still, even though I know it's pretty much hopeless
HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: Hopefully no one. Oh wait... Zach's friend Brian does, ugh
IS EASIEST TO TALK TO: Ashley and Sally

HAVE YOU EVER?
FALLEN FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?: Yes...
BEEN IN LOVE?: Once...
BEEN REJECTED?: Once. But since I don't usually like many people it's hard to be rejected, now isn't it?
REJECTED SOMEONE?: Heh... yeah. It's not all that easy either, especially not when they're your friend. Now when they're scum it's a piece of cake
USED SOMEONE?: Yes, I have, but no I am not proud to admit it
BEEN CHEATED ON?: Nope
DONE SOMETHING YOU REGRET?: Everyone does!
LIED?: Most definitely, although I seem to suck at it.
CURSED: hehehehe, yep

EXTRAS
SMOKE CIGARETTES?: Eeewwww, no
COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT THE COMPUTER?: Probably not for a long period of time
COLOR YOUR HAIR?: Not fully, no
EVER GET OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER?: lol, yes
HABLA ESPANOL?: Hablo poco
HOW MANY PEEPS ARE ON UR BUDDY LIST?: I have no clue, 40ish total?
DRINK ALCOHOL?: I haven't really
LIKE WATCHING SUNRISES OR SUNSETS?: Love to!
WHAT HURTS MORE, PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL PAIN?: Emotional without a doubt

I KNOW: That I need to figure out who I am
I WANT: To be able to feel without having to concentrate on it
I HAVE: Friends who want to help me even when I try to make them go away
I HATE: spiders and people who hurt their own children
I FEAR: People dying while I keep living
I HEAR: The birds singing
I SEARCH: For something unknown
I WONDER: If I'll find who haunts my dreams
I REGRET: Shutting off my emotions all those years ago
I LOVE: Rain, nature, winter, my kitties, my friends
I ACHE: When I realize that I always do things so wrong
I CARE: About the enviornment and LBGT rights
I ALWAYS: Know things that I should not possible BE able to know
I AM NOT: Someone who takes criticism lightly
I DANCE: When I'm alone
I SING: Once again, when I'm alone. Although sometimes I might just start if others do
I CRY: Only when I need to (too much lately) and usually alone, I don't like when people watch me cry
I DO NOT ALWAYS: Think before I speak or act
I FIGHT: With too many people
I WRITE: Because it's my outlet, the one that'll always be there
I WIN: On a strangely regular basis
I LOSE: Against certain people, or when my friends pull out the 'I'll tell ------' card
I CONFUSE: Others and myself
I LISTEN: Whenever someone wants to talk with me
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: Writing or reading, sometimes just out walking
I NEED: to get away and stay away from my family
I AM HAPPY: When I finish something
I SHOULD HAVE: Never cut myself

Question With No Answer

2006-03-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

"So who are you, Katie?"

Isn't that a question that should be answerable by practically anyone? Yep, I think it is. Because when I asked about five people today they all gave me good, solid answers that I knew to be true. Anytime I've ever asked anyone that question they've been able to answer me. Sure, they've sometimes needed time to think about it, but they never say that they don't know what the answer is. Here was my answer when someone asked me that question sometime last week:

"I... I don't know."

I like asking people questions. I like learning about them, specific people in particular. I remember hours of Nicole just rambling on at me, and I loved every moment of it. Ashley did it several times last week and I realize that I could've stayed up all night listening to her go on about this or that. Sometimes I'd say something, but never for very long because I just wanted to listen. Sure, there are times when I babble on about absolutely nothing or I'll say something just because I wanted to speak, but all in all I much prefer listening. But not to everyone, that's the key right there, I don't like listening to everyone. Part of the reason for that might be that I usually remember whatever I get told. I'll forget what I heard in a lecture a couple of days later, but I'll remember some insignificant little tidbit someone told me about themself years later.

I wonder if anyone else thinks like I do. It would be like complete and utter chaos if anyone could see into my mind, but to me it's reasonably organized and logical. Always thinking, it never stops. I fall asleep thinking and wake up thinking, sometimes I dream about thinking! Maybe it's because for all those years I thought instead of felt. Instead of feeling sad or happy I would think about why I should be sad or happy.

That's completely off track... maybe that's who I am. A constantly off-track person. My thoughts are all over right now. I want to go for a walk to the lake and just feel the cold wind, let it go right through me and make all my thoughts scatter until I'm thinking about nothing but what matters right at that moment. But I can't do that. There are no lakes around here. Even if there was, I don't feel right going outside in the dark, alone, right now. I don't feel safe period. But I'm not thinking about that right now; no no no no no. Trying to puzzle out who the hell I am.

Katherine 'Magnolia' Schultz. (I like Magnolia about a million times more than Marie) I can't get the sound 'Katie Schultz' out of my head. I keep seeing the same set of eyes, concerned and then angry with me, paired with that voice saying my name. It's like the key is there, like by thinking about that night over and over again I'll be able to figure out who I am.

I sound like a complete nut right now... and I am so totally talking to myself. Okay, brain break. I'm watching my Golden Girls DVD, all ten and a half hours of it. Fuck sleep, I didn't get any pills after all.

Oh yes, my rant for the weekend is as follows: a) If I decide to go for a walk and I don't come back for three or four hours then it's probably because I NEEDED to stay out for that long. Damnit all don't get all pissy with me just because I stay outside (in the fucking DAYLIGHT in a place I KNOW) for four hours when I told you that I had my cell on if you needed to get ahold of me. I'm used to doing this now, only I usually do it at night and (half the time) no one pitches a bloody fit at me for it. I'm not ten years old, I can take of myself.
b) I'm a lesbian, damnit, this means that I am GOING TO DATE GIRLS IN PLACE OF GUYS!!! DO NOT TRY TO SET ME UP WITH A GUY AFTER TELLING ME THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A GIRL! Next time this happens, I will never speak to you again. First-time offenders get the silent treatment for two days, second-time get the cold shoulder until said crime is made up for. Just a reference warning for anyone who might be as retarded as my father tried to be. Silly me, acceptance never happens in this family.
c) Yes, I am Pagan. Yes, if you move what I set on the windowsill away from there then I am going to get upset about it and put it back. It's not hurting you, but it's helping me. Deal with it. Oh, and when I get all jumpy and jittery because I found a broken stone in the cup on the sill, don't laugh at me. That just makes it worse.
d) I. Cannot. Sleep. At. Night. This means that if you see me napping on the couch or table (it has happened before) then please, please let me stay asleep for at least twenty minutes before turning the television on or shaking me awake. I've told you I'm not sleeping at night because it's all but physically (or psychologically if you want to be completely technical) impossible just now. So if you see me sleeping then god damnit let me sleep!
e) DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER WHERE I AM!!!!!! THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. IF YOU PICK UP THE PHONE AND I AM STANDING BESIDE YOU THEN TELL THE WOMAN I'M GETTING BLASTED OR LAID FOR ALL I CARE, JUST DON'T TELL HER THAT I'M RIGHT BESIDE YOU!!!!!!! What part of 'no communication with that woman' did you not understand? Huh? Moron...
Alright, I think I'm done for now. Except for one more thing: Why the hell did I come down here for break again? I totally forgot my reasoning.

whimpers

2006-03-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

It's something about this house, it has to be something about this house! I come home and my sleeping hours show a pretty damn sharp decrease. As in, I haven't slept for more than two hours straight since I got back. And these cats are totally tag-teaming me. If Annabelle isn't watching me then it's Zoie. When I was at Aunt Maureen's last night her cats kept on watching me. There was also that time when I was working on transferring a poem when I turned and swear to everything I saw Annabelle sitting on the couch, watching me. Only that was impossible, because Annabelle was at home. I'm... becoming increasingly jumpy everytime I turn around. Shadows, cats that can't be there, voices in the middle of the night, always feeling like something is there... am I actually going crazy?

Grandma Marlyn's still in the hospital. I am so scared that she's not going to come back out. Bad things always, always happen when my relatives go to the hospital. Except when it's me, it appears, because I'm still alive despite three trips to the ER. I am really worried about her though, I want her to be alright for a little longer. At least... at least until Nick and Kristen graduate, so that she can be there for them like she was for me. It's just her heart, again. It's so... erratic and weak and... and... okay, no more thinking about it or I am going to start crying.

Finally have the necklace I ordered for Christmas!!! So it's not the fanciest thing ever, but hey, I happen to like it. It's like a thick dogtag with six stripes going vertical. Pride colors, basically, and I've worn it for all the time but when I'm sleeping since I got it. Oh, and when I'm in the shower of course. Zoie is totally going to freak me out if she doesn't stop staring at me like that...

Cassie wants me to get together with her, Tyger, and Allee sometime this week. I don't know how much I want to... sure, they're my old friends from high school and I'm supposed to be Allee's bridesmaid, but I don't know how much I want to spend time with them. Not because I don't like them or anything retarded like that. It's more like I don't want to do it because they remember me as someone other than who I am, if that makes any sense. I'm just starting to shift through all the different 'Katie's' that I was at my different schools to find the one who is me, not just a mask I put on to be what I wanted at the time. I don't know how well they'll react to me being different. Eh, it's confusing. Chances are that I will do something with them, just because.

Oh, shifting gears a bit. Mother dearest knows that I'm home for break. No, I did not tell her, nor did any members of my family who I told that I was coming home. It was grandma Jackie (mother's mom) who told her. How did she find out? Jen. I'm not going to see her while I'm here... I won't do it. I'm not going to let her talk to me, I'm not going to let her hurt me again. Talking with her will do me no good whatsoever, not until I can actually handle her criticism without wanting to curl up in a tiny ball. That day is coming, and what'll happen when it gets here is that I'm going to tell her exactly what I think of everything. Then I'll tell her to leave me alone. It'll be like I have no mother, and that is just how I think I want it to be.

Keith is a bastard. Just wanted to throw that one in there. Keith is my step-father and he is one of the worst people I have met throughout my life. He deserves to die a painful, painful, painful death. He deserves to rot. He deserves... more than I could ever think of and I'm usually a creative person.

Might be getting a tattoo for my birthday present, still have to think it over.

Totally getting sleeping pills at the store.

Calling Sally to see when she wants to get together to go bowling or whatever. (After I find a way to charge my phone back up)

Thinking that my streak of dehydration might have seriously damaged something below my stomach because it won't stop hurting! And I know it's not cramps, because I know cramps. I know really, really bad cramps. These are not cramps. These are just plain pain.

I have a broken rock in a pile of salt in a cup with a mirror over it... I don't know why the rock broke. All I know is that it severely bothers me that it did.

I love Foamy.

I don't wanna go on the date... yet I kinda do.

asdfjkl;

2006-03-04T03:29:00.000-05:00

It is three-thirty in the morning and I have two things to say that are totally random:

1. I have been set up for a date o.O What the fuck.

2. I LOVE FOAMY THE SQUIRREL!!!!!!!

Just Give Up!

2006-03-03T12:02:00.000-05:00

It always seems like I give up so easily. Ask pretty much anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that (unless you're a member of my family with whom I'll argue to the absolute death) I tend not to give up on most matters real easy. Never on anything that I think really matters though. And then there are those things on which I can never make myself give up, even if it would probably be the best thing for me to do. I can't do it, I just can't. I thought I had once, but then I realized that it wasn't just something I could make stop. Just have one word going through my mind right now: Damnit.

Oh, and I learned this morning that grandma Marlyn is in the hospital... again. She went in on my birthday and they're not letting her come home. I'm... scared for her. No, guess that's not fully true. I'm more afraid for me because if she dies then I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. That and I cannot stay in this house for more than a couple of nights. Not. Going. To. Do. It.

Happy birthday to me alright. Come on karma, why don't you try working for once?!

Oh yes, little sidenote because I don't want to forget. Other than the fact that I only fell asleep at around five or six this morning because dad gave me sleeping pills I had another half-real dream. Only it was stronger this time, and about the same thing. Looks like maybe it'll become real after all. You know, I think life would be a lot easier if there was one person who suffered for everyone else so that they could do whatever the hell they wanted and not worry about the consequences. And I would so totally be willing to be that person. All I would ask for is a room to myself with endless pens and notebooks, so that I could write myself out.

Back in Saginaw now... and all I want to do is curl up and cry myself back to sleep. But everytime I even start to sniffle, Annabelle pops up to rub against my leg and meow at me.

So Another Year Has Gone By

2006-03-02T09:41:00.000-05:00

I remember exactly what I was doing last year at this time. I was talking with Nicole and feeling a mile high despite being sicker than a dog, all because she had written me this lovely poem as a birthday gift. That is... no, wait, I got cards and money from several of my relatives who remembered. But other than that (including my mother and father, although they never really got me anything) that was the only gift I got for my 18th birthday. I also remember that there was an actual birthday cake for me... and that everyone ate it without me. I had the flu, I couldn't very well eat cake when I was fighting with water. I do not believe that I was very happy with them for that one. Who would have been? Then there was the highlight of dad asking who the birthday cake was for. Total '...' moment there. He did it again this year though, thinking that my birthday was in April.

It's nice to see the little paper on the door with people in the house wishing me happy birthday though, that makes me smile. So does the fact that multiple people have wished me happy birthday on Facebook, even if it DOES have a reminder so that people don't forget their friends birthdays. Shannon gave me a little present, Jen made me a card. I guess mum got me something too... she texted me real late last night to say so. Go figure, the one person who I wish would forget more than anyone remembers. Guess I gave myself a bit of a gift too. I wrote a poem really, really early this morning before I got forced (and yes I mean forced, Jen cheated and threatened to actually tell Ashley if I didn't get into my bed) into bed. It's different than any one that I've ever written before, but I kind of like the way it came out. Oh, and if you look at it the right way then I think I believe that one of the best presents I got wasn't something that you can hold or touch. It's being... cared about. Geuinely cared about... heh, not fully used to that one so I have some trouble accepting that it's true. I have Dan who was going to listen to whatever I said last night after my botched attempt at meditation. Then there was Ashley to listen and hold me and just... be there for me to make me feel better. I feel more than slightly guilty about it, but I know better than to say anything about it. Asking why she cared already got me a glare and told that that was a really stupid question to ask. She deserves more than a thank you though, because of things that she's told me I'm actually willing to start trying to feel. It's just... I don't even know or fully understand the why of it, only that it is that way.

I'm now nineteen years old and, as always, I feel no different than I did when I was eighteen. It's just the number of years I've lived through on this earth. 'Numbering Hell' OH! Poem idea, poem idea, poem idea! Now I have to cut off writing this because I have to go write the poem that just popped into my head when I typed out 'Numbering Hell'. I might write again tomorrow, to tell about the rest of my day (if anything worthwhile decides to happen for once), or I might not. I won't have quite as much access to the internet when I'm at home as I do when I'm here. Ah well, I'll survive. Okay, poem time for Katie.

I do have one thing to say though... I miss Nicole. Only, weird thing is, I think there's someone that I'm going to miss more soon.

Confused... Again

2006-02-28T23:13:00.000-05:00

Only kind of about different things, but a little of the same thing. She still makes me nervous, and I know it's not because she has an intimidating prescence, I'm used to people like that. There's just something about her that makes me nervous, makes my fingers twitch, makes me wish that I could make her laugh, smile and be happy more than she is. Damnit all I wish I knew why I feel this way about her. I know that there's no way she'll ever feel the same way, I've kinda sorta gone ahead and accepted it any everything, but she still makes me nervous. And I still... ah, I still feel that I can tell her everything and trust her. I'm not the sort of person who trusts, not even my friends or people that know things about me. Trusting means letting people know who you are. Not things about your life, even the bad things or the really good ones, but what makes you who you are. I think there are currently two people that I know who I'm coming to trust. The one who makes me nervous and has since I first met her, Ashley, and the one who just gets me, Sally.

I had every full intention of going to the lake tonight, I really did. Despite Sally saying I shouldn't because I'm still really weak. Then I got back to the dorm and, for some weird reason, I decided that I was just going to stay in tonight. Went through the whole figuring out of my emotions with Ashley, got a full four that I'm pretty sure I felt all the way through. Then I went through and revised papers for Composition with Sally before we watched Finding Nemo. I was considering going to OUTlook tonight, but then I decided to not go outside and all. Until I talk with my mum, then I decided that screw the flipping in my stomach, screw the having issues walking very far without taking a break, I was walking myself to the lake because that is one of my new coping methods, walk it out. Just as the movie was getting near to the end (I had decided to leave after that, when Sally had gone back up to her room) Ashley and Shannon get back from the lake. Ashley asks me to come out of the TV Room and informs me that I am not to leave the house. The look on her face... I decided not to argue with her for very long.

Later, after the movie was over, she gave me a few things. And then we talked, for longer than either of us had intended I am sure. I learned a few things, and I said some things that I had never meant to tell anyone, but especially not someone who I know understands. Yet I just felt like I had to. And I found out why I'm not supposed to leave the house. There's something outside tonight, something that means Ashley no good. And, apparently, I'm a weakness for her. This thing could get to her by going through me. All she had to do was tell me that, and I decided to screw going outside because I do not want to be a part of hurting her ever.

Yet I felt the desire to leave. I truly, truly did. Even though I knew that I shouldn't, knew that I couldn't, I wanted to. Still kind of do. It's almost as though there's something calling to me, beckoning for me to go. There's also something, no, multiple somethings, repelling me from going out. It's... confusing, and a touch on the frightening side. Ack, I'm for bed now. Still not over being sick and I've kinda been just going off my not-so-strong energy as much as possible. But bed, before I really, really want to go out. No going outside, no taking off this necklace, and NO letting Jen move what I set on the windowsill away from said sill.

Unwanted

2006-02-28T13:31:00.000-05:00

That is such a... familiar word to me. It's one of the first words that I can remember learning the meaning of. Didn't even need a dictionary for it, I knew what it meant when I went to kindergarten. Because my parents had used it in reference to me, more than once. Here's the definition of it from the dictionary site:
Unwanted:
adj 1: not wanted; not needed; "tried to give away unwanted kittens" [ant: wanted] 2: without being invited; "an unwanted intrusion"; "uninvited guests" [syn: unasked, uninvited] 3: interfering; "unwanted shadows distort the picture"; "removed the unwanted vegetation"

I have an unwanted memory locked away, locked away for a reason. I don't know what this memory is, but I have a bad feeling about letting it out of the box I locked it in however long ago. It's unwanted to me, like I always was to them. Let's think about this... it's going to hurt like hell to let this memory out, and it's going to be hard to do. It's not just something that I can decide to do and then do it with a snap of my fingers. It won't be like remembering what my mother did, it won't wash over me like a bloody flood that leaves me a trembling mess. I'm going to have to unlock it myself, and I'm going to have to be alone, and away from everyone. Away from everything... maybe tonight I'll go to the lake. Alone, like I always do. If I can manage the walk, that is. I had enough trouble getting from my room to Gries this morning.

Oh yeah, apparently I'm not all the way better yet. Still have trouble walking for long without stopping or trembling, and my breakfast fought it's way right back up out of my stomach. Keeping my liquids down perfectly well though, thank everything. Now if only I can stop being so utterly... confused about something. The same something that I have been for around a month now. I am NOT enjoying this, mindgames are totally not my thing.

Water!!

2006-02-27T10:39:00.000-05:00

I kept water down!!!!! Not very much of it, that is true, but the point is that I kept some water down. So totally getting the hydration into my body which means no more worrying about getting an IV in my arm, yay. There is the slight problem that the area below my stomach feels like a knife is being dragged across it at random intervals, the room won't stop its bloody spinning and whenever I move more than a little I start to sweat as though I've been running a marathon... but other than that I think I'm good.

Not exactly sure of how or when I'm going home, but I am going home for Spring Break. Well, back to Saginaw that is. It isn't exactly a place that feels like a home should, but I guess I could call it the place where I'll end up when I have nowhere else to go during breaks. Was considering just staying up here, until I realized exactly how bored I would get if I did that. I mean, seriously, my friends are all going away so why should I stay here? True, I could walk around outside everyday so long as it was nice, but even that might get boring after awhile. Might as well go back to Saginaw and hang out with the members of my family who I can stand for a week. Grandma might decide to make her cookies for Easter then too, which means that I would actually be able to help her out since no one else ever does it. I'll get real food too!!! As in actual, homecooked food that didn't come out of a box or something like that...

Oh yeah, it'll be my birthday when I go back too. Go figure. Let's see if they remember it this year.

...

2006-02-26T13:26:00.000-05:00

I don't even know why I'm not in my bed right now, because I really should be. Currently I feel as though the world is spinning around, my head has a rock band playing inside, my stomach is roiling, and I just feel super weak. I don't think I'm going to make it to class tomorrow.

Damnit.

Gonna Die

2006-02-25T12:34:00.000-05:00

1. This is my hundreth post on this blog, go me.

2. I am offically going to die. My fever came back, I'm sweating even though I'm not covered at the moment, my lips are cracked and bleeding, my throat is parched yet I'm scared to death of drinking anything, and my body no longer likes me.

I despise being sick. I don't think I'm even going to take the extra effort to make this post colored like all the other ones... nope, not gonna do it.

Unreasonable?

2006-02-25T03:53:00.000-05:00

Okay... so I was a little beyond pissed off this morning when I made that last entry. And yes, let's go with the full-blown emotion because I would have said everything I said there to Jen if she had been in the room instead of at her only Friday class. Then I would have felt like an absolute bitch because other than a few things that really stick out to a tired, sick girl, Jen has been nothing but nice to me since I got sick. Trying to get me to drink and eat some crackers, keeping me covered, waking me up whenever I have one of those goddess-awful fever dreams that I get. She didn't deserve those things I wrote earlier, no matter how upset, bitchy or cranky that I was. And I feel absolutely awful for saying and thinking all of those things. It was completely unreasonable.

Another note, I cannot seem to stay awake for more than an hour at a go. I also have zero desire to drink any of the liquids offered to me or eat any of those nasty crackers that I know I should eat. I know that if I don't start drinking and keeping it down then I'm going to get even more dehydrated than I already am, and that'll mean a trip to the hospital for an IV. But it's just so hard! I know with every little fiber of my being that whatever goes down my throat is going to come right back up, and it'll taste and feel a hell of a lot different when it does. Just as a note, different is not good in this particular case. I do feel bad for not drinking as much as I'm told to though, because it's worrying everyone. I just can't do it. I am an awful, awful sick person, which means I'm an awful patient. As Ashley, Jen and Shannon have all found out the hard way. So sore too... my muscles all feel as though they've been worked for hours when they haven't. I haven't even left the room today! After all, I'm not about to go infect everyone else. If they come into my room then they know their risks. Otherwise I won't infect them.

Ashley now has the flu has well, which is very bad. I wish that I could help her like she helped me, except I know that I can't because I'm worse now than I was last night. Bets are that I won't even remember typing this post up. Still hope that Ashley only caught the twenty-four hour bug so that she's better soon. I hate other people being sick about a million times more than I hate being sick myself. Ah, another reason why I don't like sleeping when I'm sick; I sleepwalk. I went to sleep on the floor and Jen woke me up when I was sleeping on my bed, the top bunk. Then I fell asleep with my head on my pillows, covered, and I woke up sideways on the opposite side of my comforter, completely uncovered. A little afraid of where I might end up the next time I fall asleep.

Did I mention the dreams? Firstly there was last night when I had the memory-dream of mom again. Luckily, Ashley was there to wake me up and hold me... and I told her what the memory was. At least, I think I did. Since then I haven't even had a glimmer of it, first time since I had it that night when I was dehydrated that it hasn't come back. Then there's all the dreams of people turning their backs on me; leaving me, forgetting me, hating me... And the worst one, even worse than the one of mom, is of a faceless man hurting Ashley so much that she's just sobbing and hurting and I can feel that. It felt... it was half-real, the name I've given to those dreams that aren't fully real, yet not fully dreams either. It might happen, and it might not. I think I might give everything so long as it doesn't turn real. I despise having these dreams, I don't know why I have to. I'm... *sighs* I'm going to go lie down and hope for no more of those dreams. That's the one Jen woke me up from about two hours ago, when I was whimpering and begging for it to not happen, apparently.

Thank You Oh SO Much

2006-02-24T09:58:00.000-05:00

This is just a quick little entry that I have to make or else I think I might go outside and scream, and that's a bad idea because I had severe issues just getting myself into and out of the shower this morning. Ashley was right about that though, throwing up while taking a shower is easier than throwing up in the toilet or a bucket. Beyond grateful to her right now, and a little amazed that she actually slept with me last night. I'm sick, after all, and she's not. That, and she didn't have to stay with me...

Okay, now onto the sarcastic title. This thank you goes out to my roommate, who deserves a much ruder phrase that I don't feel like typing or saying. What kind of person goes about a room being loud and noisy, inviting people to come in and be loud and noisy with her, steps on the sick person's visible feet, makes loud clattering noises right by said sick person's head and all in all whines about the sick person because she can't get rid of the smell of vomit because she can't exactly just stop vomiting? That kind of person is my roommate, and all of the above is what she had done since she got tired of me being sick after I was lying down for about... let's be nice and say four whole hours. This is also what she did this morning, when I was sleeping. And now I'm going to attempt to sleep again before she comes home from her class and begins to make more noises and/or complaints because I'm sick and won't stop being so. Which, by the way, I totally would if I could.

Ill & Interesting

2006-02-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

I am sick. For the sake of everything sacred, why??? I was already sick once this winter, I don't want to be sick again. And yes, just in case it was a question, I am whining and I will continue to whine until I whine myself out or my stomach stops trying to expel itself from it's rightful place in my anatomy. Whichever comes first. Or I'll go into overly cheerful mode again. That is basically where I'm sick and have stopped giving a rip what anyone thinks or says. I just talk and laugh at this or that, even if it shouldn't be laughing at it. Lucky for me I don't believe that there is much left in my stomach after it's first expelling of the food I attempted to keep down today. There is still something there but, goddess have mercy, I want it to stay right there where it belongs. Not just stomach sick though... woozy sick, sweating in a cold place sick. No fever though, I so want it to stay that way. Fevers freak me out for some reason.

Pagan Moon was... interesting last night. Camping trip so totally coming up at the end of April!!! Yes, yes and yes once more just because I think it'll be great. I'm a total camping-freak (as most people who know me also know) so the opprotunity to go with someone other than my family makes me one happy little person. Or not happy exactly; but I think that I should manage to truly enjoy myself there. Maybe by then I'll be able to feel emotions more than I do... to actually feel them on a tenth of a regular basis instead of just my typical mimicking.

I'm so... not jealous, exactly, because there's something I can't remember feeling before, but maybe it is jealous... gah! I don't know, let's call it jealously for lack of a better word. (Give me a break, I'm sick. I actually swore on my family's answering machine when I called to talk with the Kid. >.> Stupid, stupid Katie.) I am so jealous of people in general right now, of everyone in this classroom or on this campus, but of Ashley in particular. She can feel so much! Not just from herself, but from everyone else too. Sure, it's got to be a pain at times, but she knows how to shut it off too, yet she can turn it right back on. And she's not afraid of her emotions, even though they can hurt. I don't understand how someone cannot fear them at least a little, because I fear them so very much. And fear is an emotion, isn't it? Only I'm not feeling it, I'm thinking it like I do everything else. Except last night I felt things, I was aware of them and I am NOT used to that by any means.

I walked back from the meeting with Ashley, because I wanted to talk with her. I knew she was an empath, so I just wanted to ask her some things. And we tunneled it from Jamrich, because it is cold outside. Right as we were going into the walkway leading from Jamrich to West Science I saw something. It was... at first I didn't know what it was, I just knew that I saw it and that there was something in the corner of my mind nagging at me about it. Took me around a total of three hours to figure a few basic, probably really simple, things out. (Freaked Jen out in the process, heh) Then there was the wolf in New Science... a dead wolf, yet... yet there was something there. Thinking of it now makes me want to go back there, but only at night for some reason. Not when it's light outside. I've walked past that spot multiple times during the day and I've never felt a single thing, yet walking past it at night I did. I don't have the slightest clue of what it was, I just know that it was there. Maybe I'll go back tonight, if I'm feeling better.

And now I'm going to go... because I have a Psychology test coming up. And I'm so totally prepared for this one, I'm ready for it, I understand the questions on the study guide and all that stuff. Yay for the sick Katie... if my sickness interferes I will so kill whoever gave this to me.

Little note... I want to go home for Spring Break, damnit. I want to see Annabelle and grandma Marlyn... and my brother and cousins, and John because he's coming up from California for the first time in forever. But if I have to stay then I guess I'll survive, somehow, I just won't really enjoy myself. Most people go home or somewhere else, what fun will it be to stay here by myself? Damnit, I can totally tell I'm sick now. My mind is doing that freaky thing it does when I feel awful; taking words apart and analyzing them. Analyzing how other people are acting too, or just sitting. Damn, damn, damn.

One more quick thing... maybe Ashley's right. Maybe the good emotions are worth the bad. Maybe, I'll have to think on it for quite a bit longer.

The Five F's of Test-taking

2006-02-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

Following are the Five F's of Test-taking that every person in existence will experience at one point or another in their life, usually when they are taking some sort of test or exam. This most typically occurs when it's a major test (such as a final) but there are always those individuals who show it whenever you turn around; basically whenever a testing situation presents itself. Now if any individual exhibits the Five F's during one of those personality tests... well, then said individual needs some severe psychological help.

1. Fits: More or less calmly protesting the taking of the test.
2. Freak: Loudly and angrily protesting - swearing or cursing the teacher's family is not uncommon.
3. Freeze: The momentary halt of all brain activity; can be physically identified as a blank stare and/or the pooling of saliva around the mouth
4. Fuck Up: 'Write down a word, any word at all, and you get an A.' You write: 6
5. Fail: Your exam will probably catch on fire, but don't worry - each test comes with a complimentory extinguisher.

The Five F's as they were meant to be seen, in their comic form. Drawn by the lovely Sally: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v621/Moonblade2007/TheFiveFs.jpg

Dehydration Bites

2006-02-21T11:04:00.000-05:00

No one seems to notice that I actually know what I'm talking about when I say that I shouldn't play certain sports on certain days. Like floor hockey yesterday. Said I didn't want to play, said I really didn't want to play; yet I played because not enough girls would. At the very least I learned several things, or relearned them if that fits better. Such as I don't have very good brakes when I get focused on a little ball and trying to hit it. So I made very good friends with the wall, and with the floor. That last time so wasn't my fault though, that dude totally tripped me. Now... the dehydration and all was totally my fault, I will own up to it. I will also never, ever, ever go through it again. Oh wait, I said that last time too. Last time was when I got lost hiking at Pictured Rocks, only it wasn't quite as bad. I didn't throw up, and I was willing to drink whatever it was that got shoved at me by whoever it was. Last night I threw up; twice. Bile is... not a very pleasant thing to throw up whatsoever. Nothing ever is pleasant, but bile makes it that much worse because it burns so damn much coming up.

At least the world decided to stop spinning on me this morning after I walked around for a bit. My legs still feel like they're carved from jelly and I'm cramping something awful, but nothing that I can't handle perfectly well. What I can't handle is this little journal that keeps jabbing me whenever I sling my backpack on. I know that I need to fill it up... I know that I need to focus and make myself feel something. Something that isn't anger, fear or depression or being overly happy. Those are four strong emotions, four things that I've never been able to keep away all the time. Some of the time, yes, but when they get strong they're just there. It's like being hit over the head with it. Maybe I'll be able to feel like others do without getting hurt. It's an unreasonable fear, perhaps, but I can't just make it go away. Whenever I felt when I was little I got hurt, I still get hurt now when I feel something. Negative association.

Didn't sleep well last night; I had the same nightmare over and over again. Or I don't know if it should be termed as a 'nightmare', because it was a memory. Two memories blended together to be more precise. Jen woke me up several times, for which I am extremely grateful. It never finished, thank goddess for that. Bad enough that it started, bad enough that it went through so far, far enough to make it obvious to anyone around that I wasn't having pleasant dreams.

What's So Wrong With Not Feeling?

2006-02-20T17:04:00.000-05:00

People feel, this is a part of everyday life if what everyone tells me is correct. They don't think their emotions out, they don't have to think about how they're going to act or react to this or that situation. And they feel, and they accept these feelings as a part of how things are. Daily life has emotions, not just strong ones, but mild or weak ones that are just... there. How? How can people just be like this for their entire life? Oh, well I guess that shouldn't be the question. The question should probably be how can someone not. I know how someone cannot, because that's me.

Ask people, and some of them will most likely tell you that I'm as emotional as anyone else. Not true. Get inside my head and you'd see this. I mimic others, how they act when they're in a certain situation. I don't feel it, I think it. I analyze it out, figure out how I should be acting, and then I act like that. Except for strong emotions like anger, overly happy or excited, grief, and then those damned bouts of depression that I can't control. Nor can I control whether I do or don't feel... even when I want to, when I want to stop thinking everything out. Feeling confuses me. I can sit there, smiling and laughing, by all appearances having the time of my life. And I feel absolutely nothing. Sometimes even when I get called or texted by my mother I feel nothing, I block it out. But then someone looks at me and looks sad or angry, and then I start to feel that way. There are the times (most of them) when I get really upset by those calls, but there are the rare occurances when they affect me not at all.

Now I have to keep a journal of my emotions. I have to feel, I have to accept that I can feel, I have to stop living in my head. Where it's safe. Goddess I don't want to think about feeling! It's not safe, it isn't. If I actually feel, if I let myself feel about people again then there's that chance that they can hurt me. Sure, I can get crushes, but... but they're not so much emotional as thought-out. Except for the very rare few, and I try to forget them, I tried. I usually fail, but I try. And now I'm going to be trying to let myself actually feel all these things? Feeling instead of thinking... no more living inside my head... I'm supposed to allow myself to start feeling like everyone else. Or at least more than I do now. Like when I was talking to my counselor she would stop and ask how I was feeling about talking with her. So I would think about it for a bit, and then tell her that I felt nothing. And I had been smiling or laughing or on the verge of tears the moment beforehand. But it was true, I felt nothing. I had just told her that my mother and father had told me straight to my face that they had wanted a son, had wanted Nick, but not me, my eyes had teared, and I did not feel. Then when I said it was weird, thinking about feeling instead of thinking things out, she asked me what 'weird' felt like. It took me five minutes to figure it out, and that was when I only had four possible categories to put it under. 'Happy' 'Sad' 'Angry' or 'Nervous' (I think). Weird is sad. It's sad. I figured out what weird felt like, I felt weird. Must seem strange that I'm thinking on that one, but for someone who doesn't normally feel it makes sense.

I'm going to go to dinner with Sally and Jessica now... then later I have RTC, and after that is Floor Hockey. Let's see how those go over.

I found a list of emotions... and then I asked Jen if she's felt them, and she said yes. I so have to see if, eventually, I can feel them all... or at least more than ten of them. Apparently it calls emotionless and shielded an emotion, both of which I've felt, or felt the lack thereof.

N/A

2006-02-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

Wow was I ever in a mood this morning... I could be a total girl and blame it on my period, but I don't usually go for doing that because it always bugs me when other girls do. That, and I was relieved that my period finally decided to show up. About a week late, but at least it's not doing what it used to. I think that I would die if I ever had to go through a single week of what I used to, I'm curious as to how I didn't die last time. But blegh, enough on that definitely unpleasant subject.

This is one of my favorite songs, like ever, and lately I've started to like it even more. No, it's not just because the title happens to be my name. I like the way it sounds, and I like the lyrics. They're sad, yes, but... I just like them. The song's called 'Katie' and it's by Missy Higgins.

Katie was a little girl who said "I'll find a way".
Katie was a little girl who said "it'll be ok".
Till one day she found a little bit of something she used to drown.
She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me."

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know?
And she said, "go".

Katie was a little girl who never found the way.
Katie was a little girl who never was ok.
Cause one day she found a little bit of something she used to drown.
She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me."

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know?
And she said, "go".

She said "I'm alive and I am free, but you see I have control over me"...

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know?
And she said, "go".

And she said... "go"

I have a feeling that I'm going to be staying up here for Spring Break. I don't think a whole lot of people will be, so it should be reasonably quiet and free of any sort of complicated things that I don't want to deal with, I guess. I just... part of me really wants to go home and see some of them again, but another part of me doesn't want to. I don't know why either. Home should be a place to go when you need to get away from wherever you are, when you need to relax. Home should be where you feel comfortable, wanted, loved, like you just fit. There's always that one saying 'Home is where the heart is.' But then I'd like to know where my home is because I'd kind of like my heart back. Maybe... or maybe not, it's all scarred and ugly anyhow, probably afraid to come back and get cut up again. I wouldn't mind running away from me, except it's kind of not possible. I am me, so I just have to deal.

Hmm... my birthday is like, ten or so days away. I remember being excited about my birthday last year for some reason... oh yeah; Nicole's gift. It was a really sweet one (something she had written for me), too bad I was sicker than a dog when my birthday did roll around. I'm not expecting anything this year. Shannon's twenty-first birthday is the day after mine, so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to be overshadowed or forgotten. It's what always happened at home unless Kristen or Nick said something. Those were the years we would go to Shooters, when one of them reminded dad or grandma that my birthday was coming up. My birthday just isn't one of those things to be remembered, and I'm used to this. I'm not going to ask for attention or rememberance either, that's too self-centered. After all, twenty-one is way more important than nineteen and who won't want to celebrate with the girl who can drink legally the moment that she's able?

Ack, that sounded all depressing. It wasn't supposed to! I was just stating simple facts and observations, things that I believe everyone should get or understand. I'm just hoping that my mother forgets my birthday again, I don't want her to call me at all. Not even just to say happy birthday. Bleh, enough already. I'm going to go study a little more, and hopefully stay awake the whole time. I only got about four or five hours of sleep last night/this morning. Jen tried to get me to take a nap but I didn't want to, I don't like wasting time by sleeping when I could be awake. Guess that's not a normal thing.

I'll Never Understand

2006-02-19T05:09:00.000-05:00

So I had a good day, everything was going just fine for me. Did some studying, writing, went to Target and Taco Bell with Jen. Went and saw RENT with Ashley and Sarah, fell right back in love with it. I go to bed at three-thirtyish. And I was suddenly just hit over the head with the harsh fact that within the next year or two I am supposed to lose three important people in my life. Forever, lose them forever. Two because of cancer, one because she's just getting so old and worn out... Then there's Grandpa Gene, he's like great-grandma Marlyn, he should be dead by now. I already lost one great-grandmother and a great-grandfather (grandma Marlyn's husband) who I was close to and that was close to eight or more years ago now. And it still hurts to remember. I don't handle death well, but not many people know that. Because I always cry the most when I'm alone, I'm supposed to be the strong one for everyone else to lean on. In everything with my family.

My aunt June (well, technically she's my cousin, but she's always been more like an aunt to me) has a severe case of cancer, leukimea I believe. Last I heard she had six months at the most to live, and she's not even forty yet. She's one of the very few people in my family who I've always felt comfortable around, the one who I could talk to when I saw her without worrying about anything, without feeling too nervous. She did not have a good childhood, her mother didn't even try to raise her, her aunt (my aunt too) had to do it. Aunt June has such a good heart, she's raised three wonderful people... and she is dying in a painful way. It's... I didn't even get to see her when she was up from New York because I'm here in Marquette. She doesn't come back to Michigan a lot anymore, doesn't like traveling quite so much because it isn't comfortable. I hope I get to see her again, even if it's just for a few hours it'd be enough for me.

My other aunt (technically she's my great-aunt (my grandma Jackie's sister) but she acts just like an aunt), Joyce, has malgnant (can't spell at this hour) breast cancer. She has less than three months left now, and she's getting steadily worse. One of the last texts my mother sent me dealt with how she's doing, and that's not good. It's bad enough that I lost Aunt Mary (another great-aunt, this time my grandma Joan's sister) to breast cancer two years ago, do I have to lose another one to it? At least no one else in my own family (other than Nick who doesn't spend time with these aunts) has to deal with these deaths on both sides. Me and my cousins (mostly me, Kendra, Rachel and Nick) spent so much time with Aunt Joyce when we were little, and even when we weren't so little. She never got married, had no kids of her own, so I guess that is why she always wanted us around, to spoil. She's the youngest of the Brown siblings... and she's going to die before any of the others unless there's a miracle for her or severe accident with one of the others. I think her death is going to hurt more than grandma Jackie or grandpa Gene's will (my mother's parents), if only because she never did to me what they did. Why her? Out of just her siblings I can think of multiple reasons why one of them should be dying instead of her... may sound awful, but damnit all it's true!!

I can't ever think of my grandma Marlyn without remembering all the things that have gone wrong with her heart in the past half year. How she gets tired so easily now, when she used to be able to go for a whole day without breaking. Now she can't go a whole hour... sometimes not even twenty minutes. She sounds so tired on the phone, her handwriting has gotten wobbly and illegible. She looks drawn and, for the first time that I can remember in my entire life, old. She shakes, she trembles, she needs a breathing machine at time, she needs a cane, she needs help vaccuming and dusting. She has gone to the ER multiple times in the past half year because of her heart acting up. Doctors keep saying that she's lucky to still be alive, that she doesn't have much time left at all. And I know she's in pain, you can see it just when she walks from her chair to the sink. Why does she have to suffer like this? She doesn't deserve it, if anything she deserves to die painlessly in her sleep. Not slowly like this, not in pain all the time. From all I've ever heard or seen she has never done anything malicious to a person in her life, why should someone like her have to suffer? I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. She's always been there, she's been more encouraging of my dreams than any other member of my family. She thinks I'll make a great politician or lawyer, even though she knows writing is my true passion. She thinks that someday I might be able to manage all three, she believes in me. My own mother, my own father do not believe in me half that much.

So there are these three people, all of whom are dying painfully and slowly. Just like aunt Mary. Like Jessica, because she didn't die right away in the car accident. Oh no, that'd be too kind. She died of internal bleeding while her aunt, the one who was RESPONSIBLE for the accident, got a scratch on her arm and that was it. Like great-grandpa Clayt, who died of an aneurysm (blod clot in the brain caused an artery to explode, basically). It was quicker than the others, but all the doctors said that it would have been extremely painful. Great-great grandpa Dale... who I saw die when I was maybe four yeas old. Watched him clutch his chest and fall on the hood of the car, flailing wildly and then he was so, so still for a few minutes, then thrashing again, and yelling... crying. Aunt Mary dying of her breast cancer, that one took years. Uncle Jim... he died, of lung cancer. He brought it upon himself, but it was still a slow and painful process. He smoked even when he had to use an oxygen tank to breathe right. That's how my father is going to die if he doesn't stop smoking. Great-grandpa Leo (grandma Joan's dad) who died a month after I was born, lived long enough to see his first great-grandchild. Died of a stroke, but it took a couple of days for some reason. Pictures of him holding me the day it happened. My mom's miscarriage when I was three... oh goddess I remember that so well. I was playing with building blocks, she tripped over one I had left in the middle of the room, landed on her stomach, said it hurt, and she went to the bathroom. Then she started screaming, so I went in. Blood all over, little clot of something paler on the floor. Mom screaming, so loud, yelling at me. My fault, they were my blocks, my fault... is that why she hurts me so much? Why death everywhere, and why for those who don't deserve it in that way?

I'll never understand.

What won't I understand? Why I remember these things, why they always hit me in waves, why they make me physically ill, why I can never talk about them although I want to. It's just not fair, it's not right that so many people have to die like this. People I know, people I don't. Why can't people who deserve painful deaths get them instead of the ones who should die in their sleep? I'll never, ever understand.

Well That Won't Work...

2006-02-17T18:07:00.000-05:00

I guess that my alienating won't work so well after all... and maybe it wasn't one of my better ideas either. Here's me thinking that it would keep those people who have befriended me from being hurt. And then here's me being sat down and told that if I try to do it again I'm going to get punched, basically. Also that it will actually hurt them more if I keep on pushing them away, which I knew already. It's just... I really don't want them to worry about me. It does them no good at all, they should know this. I'm not upset over it, I'm actually relieved that I was told to stop pushing them away. And I feel guilty for feeling relieved at the same time. I guess I can't fully forget what Kelly said, even though a pretty decent sized part of me knows that I should forget it.

I'm just going to go listen to some music and write a bit before I go to the Odetta concert with Sally and Jessica. That promises to be interesting, and hopefully good as well. Then I think I'm going to go to the one-act plays in the Black Box Theatre tomorrow night before seeing RENT. Instead of going to the hockey game. Then Sunday is ice skating with Jen and them and then... what was it? Oh yeah, the Dierks Bentley concert. And studying tomorrow day, and Sunday day and evening if I manage to squeeze it in. For my Soc. test on Monday morning. So going to pull off an A on that thing, I'm determined. And then an A on the quiz for College Comp, and I'm so desperately hoping for the same thing for my Psychology test on Thursday. I'm going to start studying for that one right after I'm able to forget all that I learned for the two aforementioned subjects. Ah yes, bowling on Monday night with Sally and Jessica. Maybe another person if I remember to invite someone who might want to come along. I dunno...

Cried Out

2006-02-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

I don't do that often. Like... very, very little. And when I do it usually puts me into a really deep sleep that leaves me feeling a hell of a lot better when I wake up. Not this time though, oh no that'd be a hundred times too easy. That, and it'd get rid of the guilt that Kelly succeeded in heaping on me so why on earth would it do something like that? Worst part of it is that I don't think Kelly honestly meant to make me feel so damn guilty and anxious, she was just trying to... wait, I don't know what it was that she was trying to do. I just know what she succeeded in doing. One of those things was to make me wish that I could talk with my mother or father about these things. Just the look she gave me... she asked if I felt like I could talk with any family members about what had happened and actually feel as though something good would come of it. And when I said no, that was when she gave me that pitying look that made me feel as though I was about an inch tall. I hate when people feel pity for me, hate it hate it HATE it!

I've also come to one of the oddest, but also likely one of the best, decisions of my life. With the exception of maybe three people (or maybe only two, I'm still not sure) I'm simply going to avoid everyone because I don't want to bother them. I can't avoid Sally, we have all of our classes together and I really don't want to hurt the best friend I have up here by ignoring her, that would just be beyond stupid of me. Then there's Christel and Theresa. It's a wonder that I even met Christel again, there is no way in hell that I'm going to be enough of a moron to go and ignore her! And Theresa was the first person I ever met up here, how could I dare to obviously ignore her? I'll be as calm as I can manage around them; I'll be my optimistic, sickeningly cheerful, talkative, good girl self. Oh wait, that's just if I'm allowed to stay here. I don't think that I could handle being sent home though... no, I just couldn't do it. My family... not just mum's side, but all of them, would be so utterly dissapointed in me. Oh yes... the other people here who I've made friends with, the ones who've helped me. Does it seem wrong to alienate them from me? It truly does to me, it screams against everything that I've ever done before. And yet... after what Kelly said; they don't need me. They don't need to see my problems as I work my own way through them. I'm going to let them stop worrying about me, I'm going to try to tell them to do that for me. Maybe they'll see it as selfish or stupid, but that just means they can't see it the way I do. I don't want to hurt them, or make any of them feel as though they need to listen to or help me. I'm a distraction from studies, from better things. So sure, I'll still do things with people and hang out with them, but during those times I'm going to shove everything that matters away so that it doesn't interfere. And I might do my best to make sure that I spend as little time with them as possible.

I'm going to go back to working on my little play now... I have the basic ideas for the first few scenes worked out into an extremely rough draft that'll have to be a hell of a lot better when I actually write it out for real.

Sally thinks that I should say screw politics and law and just go for a major in Creative Writing. Maybe I'll double-major that instead of Psych or whatever, because I have no intention whatsoever of dropping political science and pre-law. Writing can be done without a degree, I've been doing it for years, but plenty of other things can't be done without that piece of paper that so many people crave so badly. And I'm one of those people. Damnit... I'm going to try going to sleep now. I have that appointment at three tomorrow and I'd better be composed for it. No lying, that'd just be wrong, but no need to be in a million pieces for it either.

At least mother hasn't called or texted me since Monday.

She Might Shatter

2006-02-15T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've never done it before. No wait, I have done it before, just not because I wanted to. I only did it because I was forced to. I'm not sure if I even know how to manage it but I guess that I'm going to have a try because the idea is there. And even if it doesn't work, well, then at least I'll be able to say that I've tried it once in my life other than when I was forced to do it in drama class. Oh, what am I talking about? I'm setting aside 'Heartseer' for awhile (all aspects of it, including the world-building I've been doing for quite awhile) to let it settle, because that usually works for me, to start on something else. That something else is writing a play. About what? Well let's think about it... I think that some bits of my life put together with a bit of embellishment on a few aspects with several things changed around so that it's not too obvious that it's about me might make a pretty decent play, if it's written right. The title for this entry is what I'm considering making the title for that if it works out. I think I'm going to go get started on a basic outline for it now, before I drag myself off to the Pagan Moon meeting. Probably for a walk afterwords unless I get a spring of inspiration that distracts me from it. I'm starting to enjoy these evening walks, they keep me away from everyone and ensure that I'll be able to get to sleep for a decent amount of time, hopefully.

Oh, but I don't want to sleep tonight. At all. Because I'm starting to have those dreams again and I do not want to deal with those. They bother me beyond all belief and manage to make me all wound up the next day, and I usually wake up really sore, like I was tossing and turning all night. Also like I never even slept. They don't give restful sleep at all.

Not Creative Enough To Think One Up

2006-02-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to become one of those people who spends all of her time in the LRC. It's quiet there, and that's just where I think I might be best off. Or at the lake, which is where I went last night despite aching all over from the bruises I collected by playing broomball. I keep smiling when I look at my bulletin board though, because there is this adorable little red and purple elephant head made out of hearts that Krystle gave to me. And then my great-grandma sent me a card and some spending money, along with a letter telling me how everyone is back at home.

I miss home now, I really do. Not enough to go back, but enough to think about it. And I'm going to go get dressed now because I need to meet Sally for breakfast soon. I'm hoping she'll be willing to stop by Hedgecock with me after lunch... I really don't want to go to that office by myself and there's no one else I want to ask to go with me. I don't want to bother them, and Sally always insists it isn't a bother.

Beautifully Frozen

2006-02-13T01:35:00.000-05:00

That is how Lake Superior looked tonight. It was just so beautiful, partially because it's a giant lake and partially because of all the frozen rocks around the shore that just shimmered in the moonlight. I wish that I had brought my camera along after all, even though it might not have shown up near as well on the camera as it did when I saw it. Only stayed at the actual lake for about twenty minutes though, then I started back to the dorms. It took over an hour for me to find my way there.
1) I forgot where Presque Isle Rd. was
2) It took me forever to decide whether Fair Ave. would be left or right until I realized the logic of the situation was all but screaming to go right, so I did
3) Seeing all of the police cars roaming the roads made me very jumpy for some reason

Only reason I even managed to find my way to the lake was because Ashley was kind enough to give me directions, even though she did make me promise to call her when I got back. I can't say that I blame her for making me do that, I know I would have done the same if the situation had been flipped. See... I got really upset and depressed Saturday night, so I went outside for a walk in just my boots, jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. I was gone for about two hours, just sitting outside of West Science. When I came back I could not feel my hands, or any part of my body for that matter, and I found Ashley and Shannon waiting outside of my door. I don't... really remember much, except that someone (Ashley told me later that it had been her) took my key and unlocked the door for me. Then I was sitting in the room with Dara, Angela and Kelly, talking about what had happened. And I agreed to go to the ER. Luckily, Ashley agreed to go with me so that I didn't have to be alone. She didn't have to either... especially not with all she's dealing with. I don't think that I'll ever be able to do anything to pay her back for that, she kept me from freaking out like I would have if I had needed to go alone. I guess that this is my switch-off for having my family and past; I get these great friends who will watch out for and take care of me no matter what. For some reason, I trust Ashley the most out of them all. She cares about me, yet she doesn't treat me like I'm this fragile little thing who is going to break, or a child who needs guidance.

I felt frozen when I came back, inside and outside. And that was exactly what I wanted to feel. Numbness caused by something that won't show after awhile. But even in those twenty minutes that I spent by the lake helped me clear my mind quite a bit, and make a few decisions that needed to be made. I'm tired of one person telling me over and over that I'm in a completely hopeless situation. You know, honestly, I think she might not want things to work because things aren't working right for her. Or because she's afraid things might change. Okay, that may have sounded downright mean, but I'm tired and still irritable so I'm just saying what I think. It might just be hopeless (yes, I can accept that fact without wincing too much), but that doesn't mean I have to give up hope or quit trying... although I don't think I've really been trying. And if it all falls apart then yes, I'll probably be upset about it, but I'll deal with it in a healthy way. Writing, walking, crying, screaming, throwing things at the wall... all healthy, normal ways of dealing. Still be friends with her too, I don't think I could handle losing her (or anyone for that matter) as a friend. Although... I don't know if there even is anything to fall apart! Or if there will be. Well, okay, I know there is on my side, but that's just me.

Earlier today my mother called me. (That's what set off last night in the first place so I was understandably afraid) And... I told her that I can't talk with her anymore, that I can't handle it. She did not take it well, there was a lot of dissapointment and anger in her voice, but I didn't relent. She did text me tonight though. I had Shannon read it first, and then I read it. 'Always remember and show no blame.' There's the main part of her message to me... Show no blame??!! No, no more thinking about that. I'm calm, cool and collected right now. Smooth as the surface of Lake Superior...

Going to bed now, hopefully I'll have relaxing dreams for a change. And tomorrow I'll thank Ashley for giving me directions to the lake. I have a feeling that I might end up spending a lot of time there this semester.

Small side note. It was like, 15 degrees outside!!

Can't Deal

2006-02-07T02:02:00.000-05:00

I think I called and talked to my cousin for a total of twenty minutes tonight... and that was not something I enjoyed doing. But goddess I love Kendra for letting me rant at her, for actually listening and caring. I wish she was here so much right now... I wish that it wasn't almost two in the morning because everyone's dead to the world and I need to talk or I'm going to do something bad that I haven't done in over a month now. Trying to avoid it so hard though. I have the window thrown open in hopes that the cold will just make me numb. Maybe it's good that no one's up though... maybe I need to go through this whole process again, just to see if it works the same way. Who doesn't love experiments?

I don't like this feeling that won't go away, I don't like not knowing who said what first, I really don't like knowing that someone somewhere is lying about me, and I don't like the fact that I have this downright awful habit of liking people who are already head over heels for someone else. Can't it all just go away and leave me alone? It might be nice to just not care, if I could manage to pull that one off. I'm not used to gossipers or drama or people telling me things that cannot possibily be true... I don't know who to believe on any of it. Someone (I don't know who it really was) called me manipulative. So not true. More like 'manipulated' by who knows how many people and for what twisted reasons. There are a whole four people that I know right now who are not involved with any of this in any way. How do I know? The one who lives in this house isn't here enough to pay attention and she wouldn't lie to me about it. The other three don't even live in Playground so why the hell would they be involved? Then you've got the three here in Playground who I want to believe, but I can't. Why not? Because two of them told me one thing and one told me the exact opposite. I know who I want to believe... but I don't know right now. I really, really don't.

I should be sleeping. You would think that after my concussions I would grab every single chance to sleep that I got and just stay sleeping until I absolutely needed to get up. But nope, not me. There has to be all this drama and confusion to mess with my thoughts so that I can't sleep. If I get sick at least I'll know why. My immune system is weak from severe lack of sleep and proper nutrition because, although I do eat every day, it seems that every day my stomach decides to pitch a hissy fit and make it come back up at one point or another. And I hate throwing up with a bloody passion, so it does nothing for my overall mood at all.

That's it. Bed for Katie now... sleep for Katie too. Why? Because Katie has to be up at eight in the morning (six hours) because she's going to breakfast with Sally and Jessica (hopefully) and then lab. Then she's meeting a friend from elementary for lunch at the Den... then more classes. And Katie is so going to be needing sleep pills if all of this decides to keep up...

Memory Loss

2006-02-06T21:50:00.000-05:00

So... I like, have almost completely and totally forgotten everything that I said or did over this weekend. And what I do remember is this jumbled mess that I have to sort through with a mental stick to make even a little sense out of. That and I'm getting completely frustrated with multiple things, enough so that even people I don't talk with on an even semi-regular basis notice. But I really, really want to know if I said anything that I shouldn't have this weekend... seriously.

On a good note, while I was sitting at my desk (bored out of my skull since I was unable to attend classes) I decided to look up some old friends. And, for some reason, I typed in the name 'Christel'. That's the name of the girl who was like, my best friend during elementary school. And guess who popped up on Facebook... yep, the same exact Christel! I was soooo beyond excited.

and I'd love to babble on more, except for the small fact that I need to get to bed so that I can actually be awake for Lab in the morning.

Just wow... hell of a weekend

2006-02-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

Either campus hates me, karma just caught up with me, or I'm getting a load of shit right now so that I'll have a perfect college career for the rest of however long I attend... I like the last option best, it was one given to me by Theresa. Ashley disagrees with the whole campus hating me bit, so I guess I won't go with that one. Karma could be a possibility, but I still like the Theresa-idea way better. Oh, saying what happened to make me think this might be a little less on the confusing side, yes?

I have two concussions (yes I mean two), a sprained neck, and a bruised spine. So what did I do to get all these lovely abrasions that have served in various ways to keep me awake for a little over fifty-eight hours? Firstly, I was in a minor car accident that resulted with the bruising of the spine (which doesn't bother me much at all in comparison, which is why most people don't know I have it since it might have made them want me to stay reasonably still) and a minor concussion that was the cause of me staying up for eighteen hours, starting at eleven pm. Oh yeah, I was taken to the Marquette Emergency Room for the first time to get above diagnoses. It also resulted in several people agreeing to take 'shifts' to ensure that I stayed awake, and the whole house being, in general, concerned for my well-being. But I, being the girl who doesn't like making others do things for her that she thinks she can do herself, managed to eventually get all of them to go to their beds at relatively the same time. Which left me alone for around... five hours. During that five hours I either fell asleep or blacked out, because one moment I was in the chair and the next thing I knew I was on the floor, clutching my head because that was what had hit the ground. Later the same day (which was Saturday) I slipped on a patch of ice and hit the back of my head really hard on the ground.

Said fall eventually caused my second trip into the ER in less than twenty-four hours. I didn't want to go... but I ended up going because... well, because Ashley convinced me to. And then, while I was in the waiting room (freaking out because my arms felt all funny and I'd have odd flashes of light in my vision) Ashley walks in and says that she'll be sticking with me the entire time. Which I think was really sweet of her, especially since a) she did not have to and b) she was supposed to stay in her bed because of the back problems caused by the same accident that gave me my first concussion. But so she stayed with me, which did a considerable amount to help calm me waaaay down. In the end it turned out that I had a new concussion, a mild one this time that meant I needed to stay awake for an additional twenty-four fucking hours. And a sprained neck that the best cure for was lying down. Except lying down for me wouldn't work since it would also put me right to sleep. So I got shifted again. Best one, and easiest to stay awake during, was Ashley's. Probably because we watched an interesting movie and she had me cuddle up to her so I was a very comfortable little preson.

And now I am going to go read or something... an hour and I can sleep!!!!! Blissful, wonderful, lovely sleep... ahhhhh.

Nothing That Special

2006-01-28T11:15:00.000-05:00

Ever had the feeling that some people think there is something about you that's special in some way? Or that they know something you don't about yourself, I especially hate that one. Happens to me a lot though, so you'd think thatI would be used to it by now. But no, I don't get used to things like that. I get used to things like my mother and step-father, in some ways, and to having people trust me for some reason.

That was a sort of random little tangent, but it popped into my mind because of yesterday. I don't think that there is anything that special about me, like at all. It's hard to believe that of yourself after you go through certain things. Sure it's the past, but not all memories just fade away like mist in the sun. Not even when you wish that they would. Maybe that's why I'm good at just sort of... blending in when I get uncomfortable. Some of the time, doesn't always work like I wish it would. That would be when I just keep my mouth shut and listen to what other people say. I don't know if I've done that more or talked more since I got up here. Might be even.

I just have this feeling that this is not going to be a very good weekend... so I'm not looking forward to it at all. Sure, I'm going to a movie with Jen tonight, but that doesn't make this sick/nervous/upset feeling go away. Something I'm not going to like at all is going to happen... and in no way, shape, or form am I looking forward to it.

Bad Day

2006-01-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

It really was. For multiple bloody reasons too, only a handful of which I can actually justify. And, if that does anything, it pisses me off that I can't justify them all! Because I want to be able to, I just can't... because that would mean admitting that it bothers me. I do not want to admit that... damnit all I don't.

So the day started off with me oversleeping. What a way, eh? I was ready and out the door in three minutes flat, quite the accomplishment in my view. Especially since I somehow managed to brush my teeth, my hair, get dressed, and fill my water bottle up before dashing off for class. Missed breakfast with Sally and Jessica though, and that is what resulted in my extreme caffeine high. Having just a Pepsi with nothing else in my stomach is baaaaaaad. I think it's the main reason why I got so ticked off at those girls in Sociology. Now I know that it sounds (and is) childish, but I honestly wanted to just stick gum in one of their hair just to see if they would flip out. And get it cut or something so that it looked really bad... so yeah, I was in a downright nasty mood.

Then it started snowing really bad on the way back from College Comp. That was when I decided that there was no way in hell I was walking over to the PEIF just for the OORP meeting, no way at all. So I just stuck around here, chatting with Shannon until I went to dinner with Jen, Ashley, Adam, Eric and JD. Then we went swimming. And I... did not really enjoy myself very much at all. It's hard to say why I didn't either. Because normally people flirting doesn't bother me at all, I've kind of had to get used to it, but it just gave me a really sick feeling tonight. Not a grossed out sick feeling, but one of those where your stomach twists into all sorts of knots. I do not like that feeling and I wish nothing more than that it would go away and leave me alone. I mean, seriously, when did I ever give myself permission to even start liking someone?! Because I do not remember ever doing so. And if I did, then I so need to rethink everything.

Did go to the OUTlook meeting though, and that was interesting. And now I am going to attempt going to bed. I do not want to oversleep and have Sally go to breakfast by herself again. Not that it matters, Jen would wake me up when she left anyhow.

WTF?

2006-01-23T02:04:00.000-05:00

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with some people??!! Okay, I really should be in bed sleeping, but I tried that and failed. So I got back up and just started clicking around because I was bored. And, while I was trying to look up one of my favorite quotes from 'Annie on my Mind' (I didn't feel like digging the book itself out) I came across a site that seriously made my stomach heave. And it ticked me off too.

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/narth/annie.html

Just... it's... there aren't even words to describe it!! Oh no wait, I know of two: Fucked. Up. Or you could throw in 'severely' and still be right. I know multiple people who would like the site though, support it, and completely agree with probably everything it says. In my opinion, it's people who believe things like that who are screwed up in the head...

And now I won't get to sleep for another hour or so because of that retarded site. Damnit, I was getting tired too.

Randomness

2006-01-23T00:10:00.000-05:00

So I have to go to class tomorrow. It'll actually be a reprieve from all the studying I've been doing this weekend though. Which has been a lot. I studied Thursday night, then for most of Friday, then Saturday afternoon, and even a little bit this morning. I did do plenty of fun, enjoyable stuff though. Like going to see the hypnotist show with Celine and Theresa, then going out to the movies with Shannon and Mandy (along with Step Arobics the same day with Celine and Theresa), then on Saturday I... oh yeah, played pool and watched a movie with Celine, Shannon, and Mandy. Today was shopping and swimming and talking, mostly with Jen and Ashley. I don't know about today though, whether I enjoyed it more or it made me more... nervous and fluttery-feeling. I don't like that feeling either, I really, really don't. Because it reminds of Nicole and damnit all I don't want to be reminded of her! Not as anything but a friend, she's just a friend now. It's all she ever should have been... I've had to tell myself that one time and time again before it started to stick... but it's finally stuck in there as firm as it ever will be and I don't want it to be shaken loose, or whatever other term might fit best there. And, surprise of surprises, I still feel so guilty about her breaking up with Dave because of me. Oh sure, I'm glad she's happy about having discovered a new aspect of herself and all, and I'm glad that I was able to help with it, I just wish that the whole Dave part could have been avoided. Gah, no more thinking about that!

You know, I really should be sleeping more than I am, again. But I just can't help but stay awake so late and get up when I do. I just... have issues when it comes to sleeping in :P Always have and probably always will. Could be worse though. I could sleep way too much. That would definitely suck.

And as a totally random little end-note: my hair is actually braided. Allee, Kit, Kristen, Nick, Kirsten, Tyger, go on and faint now because I actually let someone other than Aunt Cherrie or Carrie touch my hair! Feels kinda strange though, I keep reaching for my brush and then remembering that there is no way I can brush my hair, not even like I do when it's up in a ponytail. It's just so... strange. Apparently it looks alright though, according to Jen and Shannon. Ashley's the one who did it.

Not Quite Resolved

2006-01-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

You know how you can think something is done and over with, that it'll never bother you again, and then it goes and does just that? Well that is just exactly how I feel right now. Helpless, as though everything is going to start up again and I won't be able to just glide over it like I always have. Won't be able to shut it off in that corner of my mind and let it rot until all the walls liquidate again. And that means I'll have to face it again, until I can make it stay right where I want it to. Gone. Out of my mind, out of my life. But the problem is my bloody triggers, so many of them are just being hit and pushed. Insecurity, self-doubt, self-loathing... all those things are just piling up at this phenomonally fast pace that I can't seem to keep up with or keep ahold of. And I know that they shouldn't!

First Day of Classes

2006-01-16T16:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, today was my first day of classes. And it was alright, not too overwhelming or anything like that. Okay, I have got to take that one back because it is a lie. College Composition seems a little intimidating with all that I have to get written for it during this semester. And then Professor Leith (I forgot his first name, alright?) said that our tests are going to be difficult, not normal multiple choice at all. So that made me worry a bit. I mean, if the teacher goes and tells you that something is going to be hard then damnit it'd better be hard or else I got a little worked up over nothing at all. Ah well, at least I know of two other people for sure who I'll study with. Theresa ended up in my Psych. class (yay) and then Sally is in all my classes so we can study everything together anytime we need to. Should make everything much, much easier. Although remembering which name goes with which face and which face goes in which room might make it a little more difficult. It's like... in addition to my regular classes I have this giant social one that's going on all of the time when I'm not in class, and even when I'm in it some of the time.

Went sledding last night! It was really fun, even though I got really wet and cold. But still, lots of fun. And I found this little thing last night, it's actually pretty interesting and even a little true:

Your Birthdate: March 2

You're so intuitive, it's like you have a sixth, seventh, and eighth sense.You connect with others freely and easily - and you tend to have many best friends.Warm and caring, it's hard for you to close your heart to anyone.Affection is like air for you - you need to give and receive it to survive.
Your strength: Your universal compassion
Your weakness: Your unpredictable mood swings
Your power color: Mauve
Your power symbol: Butterfly
Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I have no title this morning

2006-01-15T10:05:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's from a mix of being so damn cold and having still-wet hair (I hate my hair dryer already) but I can think of nothing that would make a good title. Really can't. So I'll just stick that up there and call it good. Okay, maybe not exactly good, but good enough. Bleh, my mind hasn't decided to start fuctioning properly yet. That and it's dark in here, kinda afraid to turn any lights on because I don't want to wake Jen up.

Went to the hockey game yesterday, my first one ever! And it was really neat, especially since the Wildcats (NMU) won against Ferris State. Ferris State is one of the places that my mum wanted me to go to so that I'd be really close to home. But yeah, Wildcats won and I think that I caught the meaning/words behind about half of the chants that went on for the majority of the game. That, and I learned that there are 3 periods in hockey. I always thought that there were only two or maybe four. Learn something new everyday after all.

Classes start up tomorrow... so I'm a mix of nervous and excited about that one. Can't wait to see what they're all like though!

Slip and Slide

2006-01-14T15:36:00.000-05:00

Well, that's what it's like when I walk anywhere here, unless I happen to be inside one building or another. Which doesn't seem to be where I am most of the time. Most of the time I'm outside walking from one place to another, like to or from the Wildcat Den, or just wandering around to get myself more used to campus and where everything is. Never by myself though! The only time I had to go anywhere by myself was when I went to orientation for the first time on Wednesday. But after I met Theresa on my way to get my Student ID not even an hour later, I've always had someone to go everywhere with me. Either her or Celine, or Allison as was the case once. It's really, really nice to have people to talk with and wander with, makes everything seem that much easier. Oh wait, I did have to go by myself to the Cohodas building on Thursday, even though it turned out that I hadn't needed to go after all. I walked all the way across campus for absolutely no reason. Which was not fun at all.

Okay, now, as for the slipping and sliding. I fell on a patch of black ice yesterday morning on the way to breakfast >.> In no way did it feel good at all *rubs neck and back* Both of which are still hurting, I think I might've bruised the muscles themselves. Way to go for me, I've been here a whole five days and I've already injured myself. Ah well, with the good must come the bad, right?

Northern!!!

2006-01-12T14:27:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I finally got up here! Yay for me. It's great so far too, already met some really nice people that I'm getting along well with. None of whom are my roommate or suitemate (neither of whom are here yet). Celine and Theresa live in the same house as me (Playground), but a couple live up on the third floor and another is over in Hunt Hall. But still, even with all the walking that orientation entails I'm still enjoying myself. I might write more later, if I'm not busy with something else. Once more: YAAAAAAY!!! So glad to be here!

So Close...

2006-01-06T09:33:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, would you believe how many statements can be started with those two words? 'So close to perfect' (hehe, thread), 'So close to gone', 'So close to leaving', 'So close to failing', 'So close to succeeding'... yeah, the list goes on and on. End that random line of thought, my so close up there is refering to how close I am to leaving this area of the state and never coming back for anything except maybe summer vacation and visits on the holidays. I will never live in central Michigan again, I do not like it here. I don't think I've ever really liked it here and I probably never will. It's just... too boring and dull for me. Not that I'm really expecting Marquette (minus the university bit) to be more exciting, but at least I won't be surronded by my family there.

I'm going to miss them, don't get me wrong on that. But then again, I won't. It's like I'm two different people when it comes to alot of things, this definitely being one of them. I'll miss them, but at the same time I know that I won't. *shrugs* Ah well, I don't need to figure it out. I can just accept that I'll mis and not miss them at the same time. Hopefully the missing part will go away after I'm gone for a few days. I'm sure it will though. I'm also sure that Kristen is going to be pelting me with IM's and e-mails all the time. She's just too used to being able to come down here and bug me about everything to suddenly stop asking my opinion or blabbing to me. And I know that Nick won't be able to replace that (he is a guy after all, and despite his abnormally good taste in clothing he isn't that great of a listener a lot of the time). That bit about him having good taste in fashion is true too... he honestly does. It's a tad on the freaky side, but it's true. I'm just wondering where he got it from. He doesn't spend a lot of time with me, he spent a lot of time with mum though and she does not have good taste no matter what she thinks on the matter... *shudders* You should see some of the outfits she put together for me when I was little. Scary.

Oh my good. I am turning into a girl >.> Well, I always was one, but now I'm actually fussing over what to wear!!! *breaks down and cries* I think it's the new clothes... buying the new wardrobe did bad things to my psyche so that now I actually give a rip of whether or not I'm wearing the best outfit. You would not believe how many tops I have gone through in the past hour and now I am considering changing my jeans just so that they match better... *twitches* At least I haven't fallen to the makeup stage yet. Though I know it's only a matter of time before it happens. *eyes the makeup she bought earlier in the week* Yes, I bought makeup, henceforth Hell shall freeze over (if the Christians are right), pigs shall fly, and I get to watch my mother divorce Keith, woot!

Oh yes. I've fallen in love with the new Papa Roach CD. Well, okay, maybe it's not all that new, but it's new to me and it's their newest one. 'Blood' (Empty Promises) is my favorite one of their songs off of it too...

So...hello 2006

2006-01-01T19:13:00.000-05:00

I did this for last new year, so I'll do it for this one too:

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
~I graduated from high school. I'm pretty sure I'll never do that again either :P

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
~Umm... I honestly don't remember what my resolutions were, but I'm sure I probably kept them. And yes, I have made a few for this next year. Will I keep them? I'll do my absolutle best, but nothing can be guarnteed.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
~Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
~Thankfully no, not this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
~None, except for this one right here that I live in.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
~How about a hell of a lot less confusion in everything? Especially any sort of relationship beyond friendship. Sure I liked it, but I don't like the idea of going through it ending again. Not at all.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
~My birthday, March 2. For a weird reason too, because I was really sick. First time that I've ever been sick on my birthday and hopefully it was the last too.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
~A tie between graduating from high school and finally being able to go to Northern like I want to. Which means that I will be out of the central Michigan area, finally!

9. What was your biggest failure?
~Giving in to something I never should have, despite having signs of it forever. Cutting, that was my biggest failure. Being unable to find something else that was much... safer.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
~The silver and ruby necklace/earring set that I gave to Nicole for her birthday... she'd better still have those or I'll never speak to her again.

11. Where did most of your money go?
~Books, as always. Oh, no wait. Most of it actually went towards things like clothes this year! o.o

12. What did you get that you were really, really, really excited about?
~My acceptance letter to Northern. And the cell phone mum gave me for Christmas. Definitely a tie between the two.

13. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder: Sadder
ii. thinner or fatter?: Same, I think
iii. richer or poorer? : Richer

14. What do you wish you'd done less of?
~Cutting, duh. Less of that would have made a much happier me, family and friends.

15. Did you fall in love in 2005?
~Yes... and I partially wish I hasn't, even though I still am. Damnit -_-

16. What was your favorite TV program?
~Either the Golden Girls (again) or South Park.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
~Nope! Still hate my step-father, Keith, but that's totally normal. I haven't liked him since he married my mother.

18. What was the best book you read?
~Awwwww, I hate having to pick just one, I've read far too many! But I think that I'm going to have to say that it's a three-way tie between 'Affinity' by Sarah Waters, 'Tipping the Velvet' by Sarah Waters, or the Farseer trilogy by Robin Hobb.

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
~The Corrs. And, just like last year, it's all thanks to Nicole.

20. What did you want and get this year?
~A new best friend, renewed friendships with old best friends, a religious view that I wanted, my high school diploma, and a ticket to college, away from here.

21. What did you want and not get this year?
~ A trip to Australia or England. But then, with all that happened in the middle of this year, I'm surprised I'm still in one piece. Oh yeah, I didn't get her either, but that's not something I did.

22. What was your favorite film of this year?
~'King Kong' was really good, and so was 'Star Wars Episode III'

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
~I was sicker than a dog, so I spent most of it lying down and wishing I would just sleep. My eighteenth birthday too! Oh yeah, I read the poem that Nicole had written for me and talked with her a bit.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
~Keith getting flattened by a Greyhound bus... or my brother maturing.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
~That's an easy one: I didn't give a rip.

26. What kept you sane?
~Nicole kept me sane for awhile, but then everything caught up to me and there was nothing that did manage to keep me sane. Except for myself and time.

27. What political issue stirred you the most?
~The same thing that did last year: gay/lesbian rights. It'll probably be that until it finally changes...

28. Who did you miss?
~Allee, Nicole and... Jessica. But I'll always miss Jess, because she's gone.

29. Who was the best new person you met?
~Hmmm...Jenna.

Well there, I'm not overly interesting. And here's a quiz that I got off of one of my friend's livejournals:

You are RE-OPENING WOUNDS.Synopsis: Most people have performed this at some
point in their lives, but it's the people who
constantly don't allow their wounds to heal who
are considered to "self-mutilate".
These people are often very detail-oriented and
notice the slightest changes in their
environment. They likely also are an excellent
judge of character.Positive trait: ObservantNegative trait: JudgementalColor: BlackEmotion: Anti-socialAnimal: WolfQuote: "Stars, hide your fires; let not light
see my black and deep desires."

What form of self-mutilation are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh wow on that... that little picture looks downright painful! I've never done that. Well, I have not allowed wounds to heal, but that is not what I have done.

Rain. Must. Die.

2005-12-29T10:47:00.000-05:00

Okay... it's December 28th. Not the middle/end of March or April. It should NOT feel like spring outside!!! That means that all of the bloody rain needs to go away or turn into snow. This weather is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! It rained on Christmas for god's sake and it's drizzled (at the least) every single day since! Why must we all be punished in this way... why can't the rain just all go south where they need/want it? Snow should be here, it should be white outside instead of soggily green and brown. Those are so spring colors... and yes, normally I do love rain, just not when it should be snowing instead.

Saw Narnia yesterday, and it was pretty good after all. Some of the previews looked promising too, especially Ice Age 2, PotC 2, and 'Lady in the Water'. Although I'm betting that the last one might be a thriller or something like that, since the guy who directed 'Signs' and 'The Village' is also the director of this one. Which means that I'll just have to see it...

Christmas...

2005-12-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

I think I gained about... eight or nine new bruises on Christmas day alone... just at the party with my mum's side of the family. And yes, I admit that I totally deserve every one of them. Except for the one from where Kendra hit me because she got paid to do it. I have to remember to never sit by her when we play cards again... especially not if I plan on mouthing off to mum again. Not the kind of mouthing off that is bad or overly insulting, but the fun kind where people laugh even as they smack you. See, you'd have to understand my family. My mess around, a LOT. If we didn't then it wouldn't be right. If I managed to go a whole day around all of them without getting slapped/hit/pinched at least once then I'd have to be sick or just not talking. And they're all like it too. Except I'm second most sarcastic, still can't beat Aunt Jen.

But at least all of them didn't dote on me and the fact that I'm going to Northern... which is exactly what everyone on the Schultz side (dad's side) did on Christmas Eve. I would walk into a room and here 'Katherine this' or 'Katie that' and then they'd all congratulate or question me even more. I think my face was a healthy shade of pink by the time they finally found something else to focus on an hour or so before midnight... I think I'm so unused to it because I'm used to Kendra being the one who gets all the attention and prise, even though she's my cousin on mum's side. I'm still used to that in place of people believing in or being happy for me. Weird, eh?

I am beyond extremely bored right now... yesterday at this time I was at the movie theatre in Mt. Pleasant with mum, Rachel, and Nick watching 'King Kong'. That was a very good movie, even if I did argue with Nick for ten minutes before I finally convinced him that no, the actress playing Ann is not Nicole Kidman. Looks like her, sure, but so is not. Might be going to see 'Chronicles of Narnia' tonight with dad and Kristen, which I've heard is a really good movie that might actually live up to the book like the Lord of the Rings did. I sure hope so, the book was one of my favorites when I was in elementary.

Roommate?

2005-12-24T16:36:00.000-05:00

So I've been a little antsy about not getting my room assignment yet, but I'm not anymore because it's figured out. No, I haven't gotten anything yet, but I know who my roommate is now. Her name is Jennifer and she seems like a nice person, not the sort who I wouldn't get along with. And our room is in Payne Hall! Yay, that was my first choice ^^ Bathroom is orange and yellow... which sounds like a very interesting bathroom. Way better than the plain white one that I'm used to. Room will be better too, has got to be an improvement on mine. I mean seriously, I live in a box! I'm soooo ready to get out of here. I don't even think that I'll miss anyone. Except for Annabelle, Zoie and sometimes-Kristen. (Note: Of those three, only Kristen is not a cat :P ) Maybe grandpa too, he's nice to talk to when he's not griping about my father or brother's lack of ability to clean. God this place is going to be a mess when I'm gone... *shudders at the thought* Without me to do my occasional clean-up there will be piles of garbage big enough to hide in. Totally nasty.

It is Christmas Eve, my favorite part of the whole Christmas-season. Why? Because it means going to great-grandma Marlyn's house for the evening with all of dad's side of the family. We've done this every year since I was just a little girl, and I have the pictures to prove it. Every year the grandkids and great-grandkids get their photo taken in the living room. If you go through all the pictures over the years then it kind of looks like you can watch us all grow up. I've gone from a Shirley Temple curls girl (naturally too, my hair was way curlier then) to boy-cut short to my favorite look, just above the shoulders wavy with a bit of curl at the end. Not really dressing up for it either... just my new jeans, shirt that reads 'The Prettiest Eyes are Green' and my gray jacket to hide my arms and try to take away from the fact that the shirt is (once again -_- ) too tight at the chest. Come on! Unless I want to look like I have absolutely no shape whatsoever, I have got to wear shirts that make me look as though they're about to burst >.> And no, there's no 'in-between', trust me, I have tried to find it. At least the shirt is a nice shade of green, does wonders to enhance my eyes. See, I may like dark eyes on other people, but I love my eyes on me. The dark brown hair sets off the pale green perfectly ^^

Oh god... total girly moment there *pinches self* Okay, much better. Oh, I'd better get going. Nick and dad are trying to get me to play Battlefront II (what is it with guys and that game?) and then we've got to go over to grandma's! Merry Christmas to all ^-^

And just for the record and a bit of a whine... IT IS RAINING!!! Nononononononononononononononono! NO NO! It is CHRISTMAS! For the sake of everything can it not just be completely white ONCE?! I hate rain this time of year, it does not even belong here... go away to the southern area of the world, rain, we only want snow here this time of year! *cries*

Purest Forms of Stupidity

2005-12-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

Stupid people bother me. Morons bother me more. Idiots bother me to the brink of insanity. A combination of all three makes me wish that there was a buzzer you could hit to give them all a strong jolt every time they did something stupid/moronic/idiotic so that they would eventually learn not to. You know, like a buzz collar that you put on a dog to teach it not to bark, or whatever you use them for. They need ones that get put on every idiot in the world, put on when they become idiots and not taken off until they actually gain braincells that are able to comprehend how utterly moronic they are.

Yes, I'm a little irked this afternoon, however did you guess? Why? One of my favorite RP sites, Silklantern, is rapidly turning into a pit filled with the above-mentioned annoyances. And they seem to think that there is nothing wrong with themselves at all... well, some of them see a bit of why they're problems, but the majority do not. The majority of them think that they're being wronged all of the time and have every right to act as idiotically as they do. *twitches* In my view, one of the worst is Amateru. (Oooh, and if he or the others somehow come to read this and get offended then they can go screw themselves because this is my blog and I can rant however much I want to. Offending them might actually make me feel better though) That guy posts multiple times on a thread about how everyone is being irksome, and I swear his only point there is to be irksome. Or be like Jean and build up his bloody postcount with retarded little bits that don't even matter. I wouldn't mind at all if both of them just vanished and never came back. I could probably think of multiple more who should go, but I don't feel like it.

I only wish that it could be controlled somehow. That the people who drag threads off topic and do no good for anything would stop. I know that they won't, but hey, a girl can hope...

On a much more positive note, I now know what my classes will be and when they are. Earliest is at 9:00 and the longest is an hour and fifty minutes long. No classes on Friday either, aaaaaaall semester long. Which means I'll always have three-day weekends off of school, yayness for me. ^^

Loch Ness

2005-12-19T13:16:00.000-05:00

After struggling with ideas for what I should or shouldn't do with my next chapter (yes, it's still nine. Nine is difficult to work out perfectly) I turned on the TV to see if there might actually be something interesting on. I watch the National Geographic channel most often of anything (yes, yes, go on and laugh if you feel like it, I don't care) and so I checked that first. It was a show called Naked Science and this episode is focusing on the issue of the Loch Ness Monster. I'm sure that the majority of people everywhere have heard of Nessie... I remember hearing stories about it since I was a little girl. But then, my mother told me stories about her encounter with Bigfoot since I was little as well so it's not a real surprise. I used to watch shows about all those supernatural things (Bigfoot, Nessie, Jersey Devil, Yeti, lepruchans, dragons, faeries, etc. etc. (NEVER mention a dropbear to me, that is so not funny -_-). Sure some of them gave me nightmares, but I still watched them. Hence why I still have such a keen interest in them.

But anyhow, from all the things that I've read, watched and heard, it seems very unlikely that the Loch Ness monster actually does exist. There aren't enough fish in the lake to keep a large creature alive for that long. That, and practically every bit of 'evidence' (pictures, movies) has been proven to be false. That, and there are other creatures that it could truly be, instead of a dinosaur or close relative to one. It's always possible that the Loch Ness monster could be a dinosaur from way back when (and I know someone who would probably totally die if it was proven that Nessie is a plesiasour (no I CAN'T spell it)), it's just not propable. I don't know what I think on the matter, except for the fact that I've always wanted to go to Loch Ness just so that I can see the lake for myself. But then, there are alot of places that I want to go to and quite a few of them are in Europe. Or South America and Australia. Maybe Africa or Asia... but not near as much as the first three. I don't really want to visit Mexico either. Not sure why, I just don't.

Dull Day

2005-12-14T19:14:00.000-05:00

Today was, yesterday wasn't. Yesterday was just tiring. I never really realized exactly how tiring a day of shopping could be, especially if you have to carry around five full giant shopping bags for roughly four and a half to five hours with only two breaks to rest the fingers. Which are, by the way, slowly losing all circulation and thus feeling. I never want to go Christmas shopping at the mall with my great-grandma again, not if it means feeling like all of my fingers are going to fall off o.O

I also took this personality quiz I found on Marce's blog. It called me a priss!!! And I clicked away from the screen so went I hit the back button all it did was display the information without the code >.> I hate it when that happens, and I'm not about to go through that thing again just to see it call me a priss. So I'll copy and paste, lovely little invention.

The PrissDeliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf) Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss. Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

Well hmph. Ah well, off to write and fiddle around with a few ideas for the story on the boards that Kirs put together. An RPG based off of my story... how very cool is that?

I Think My Aunt's A Saint o.O

2005-12-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

Seriously, she has got to be. Okay, or she just thinks of me as the daughter she never had and never can have. Which I will not even think of complaining about, because she's just that great. My Aunt Maureen isn't even my aunt by blood (not that that matters to me, I think she's a better aunt than my dad's sister) and a lot of the time she acts more like a mother than an aunt. Things dealing with college is one of those ways. She called me earlier and made me give her a list of what I prefer in everything (from shampoo to towel colors) and I have a feeling that she fully plans on getting it all for me o.O She'd probably try to get everything else too, if I hadn't told that it was already getting taken care of. I'm so lucky to have an aunt like her, and an uncle like Uncle Mark (since he definitely deserves some credit for it too). It's like, I see all these bad things in my life and then I get reminded of the good ones, which totally makes my day. Dad's side of the family makes up for mum's... they really do. I think I'd most definitely be even more screwed up without them.

Oh yeah, and the Steelers whipped the Bears ;) Mwhahahaha, Bears suck, Steelers rock! :P

Bored

2005-12-10T10:54:00.000-05:00

I am bored... so I will post this thing up, though I do not truly expect to get any comments. I mean really, how many people actually read this? Two, maybe? :P But if they do comment then I'll be good with that ^^

1. One secret
2. One compliment
3. One non-compliment, criticism, or insult.
4. One love note, but it does not have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to your favorite song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends
8. And a hint to who you are
9. After you do it for me, put it in your blog and see who does it for you

Don't forget to answer anonymously so it doesn't ruin the game!

Now to go clean out my rifle... bleh, I hate doing that, it's no fun at all -_- Then I have to call the loan company, joy. This Saturday bites.

College & Confusion

2005-12-07T19:27:00.000-05:00

So my welcome packet arrived, and with it camed a whole world of confusion. Headed by what? By the fact that to get the student loans I need, I need someone to co-sign who has a job and steady income. And that would not be my father. Definitely not my mother either, her credit beyond sucks. I have no credit record (seeing as I have no checking account or credit card). It's just... confusing me, especially since dad said he has it all figured out but can't manage to explain it to me. So, I'm choosing to believe him for some odd reason, and focusing on the other things that I need to figure out.

For example, which hall I want to be in. On the application I have to put my top three choices, and whether I want to be in an all-female house or a co-ed one. Everyone who knows me would know which one I choose, all-female. I'd really like to be in Payne Hall, but Halverson or Van Antwerp wouldn't be all that bad.

And yes, I'm still lacking on sleep and sugar... which should explain why this post makes very little sense. O.o

...Help...Me....

2005-12-06T17:58:00.000-05:00

How come I always end up getting stuck doing something I don't really want to do? I don't want to ride up to college with my mother and grandmother... I don't care if mum did promise to not lecture me, I won't believe that she'll keep her word until she leaves my dormroom. Now, I don't mind riding up with Aunt Joy and Aunt Joyce quite as much... but mum and grandma is practically asking for insanity. I cannot remember a single time that I have been near to both without being asked why I'm not attending church, or if I plan on joining a Christian student organization when I get to NMU. The simple answer of 'no' never works either, it's like they don't even hear that one.

I've figured out how to get them to stop asking about it though... when they ask (and yes, I know they will, because they simply cannot resist doing it) if I'm going to join a religious/spiritual organization I'll just tell them yes. Catch is, I'll also tell them what it is that I plan on joining. Possible conversation:

Mum: "So, Katie, are you going to join any sort of student organizations up there?"
Me: (*flipping through CD case for loud CD to drown out upcoming shouting/lecture*) "Yep"
Mum: "Oh well that's nice. What ones?"
Me: "Well, there's this writing one that I want to get in on. And another called OUTlook, and then there's Pagan Moon..." (*putting CD into CD player and inserting earphones*)
Mum: "Outlook? Pagan Moon? Katherine, those had better not be what I think they are." (*glances at Katie through rearview mirror*) (*murmurings of other relations in the vehicle start up*)
Me: "They probably are. OUTlook is a LBGT club and Pagan Moon is for, well, pagans." (*cranks volume up and hits play*)
*screeching tires as the vehicle comes to a halt*

Or maybe I'm just exagerating a tad... or underexagerating. Give me a break though, I'm beyond mad that dad agreed to let my mother and grandmother take me up there instead of him. And I know that they'll ask me, and I'm almost positive on how they will react. It's going to be a hell of a ride, with me no doubt using up hours worth of batteries to keep myself from hearing them. Is it so hard to understand that I don't want to talk with them about me? It always goes back to what they view as my 'faults'. Not to mention the fact that it's my mother, whom I've said time and time again I cannot stand being with for more than three consecutive hours without some sort of reprieve...

I'm going to go write now, before I go off even more. Maybe go hit a pillow or something... or call Aunt Jackie and take her up on her offer to drive me to college, screw what mom and dad think I should do.

Pirates of the Carribean 2!!!

2005-12-05T15:41:00.000-05:00

So yeah... I loved the first one and I just saw a preview for the second one on Yahoo (http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/mf/frame?theme=minfo&lid=qtv-56-p.1395010-160158,qtv-100-p.1395011-160158,qtv-300-p.1395012-160158,qtv-700-p.1395013-160158,wmv-56-p.1395014-160158,wmv-100-p.1395015-160158,wmv-300-p.1395016-160158,wmv-700-p.1395017-160158,qtv-28-p.1395010-160158,wmv-28-p.1395014-160158&id=1808556813&f=1808556813&mspid=1809234964&type=t <-- long link for any interested) and I want to see it now! Waiting is evil, plain and simple. Nothing can ever shake my belief in that one, simple fact. Unless it's waiting for something bad to happen, then it's not quite as bad as waiting for something you want. But still bad, because it creates apprehension which just makes the whole thing seem that much worse...

Ever had a dream that you hate and love at the same time? I did last night... it was a long one too, and waking up to realize that it was just a dream made me want to scream. Nicole was here, and we got together. (Anyone who has a mind in the gutter get it out because it wasn't like *that*) It was... great. The whole dream felt soft to me, and yes, by that I mean that it felt soft... like if I had been able to touch it it would have been all soft and warm. Not exactly real, but kinda drifting in-between real and normal dream, as though it could go either way with a breath. *sighs* Yeah... probably just a dream. The other real dreams I had concerning her don't seem like they'll ever come true, or maybe they didn't involved her after all, but someone who looked like her. Thing is, my real dreams always come true, so those all have to in some way. Not right now, or even in a year, but one day they have to.

Muse --> Ideas --> Writing --> No Sleep

2005-12-04T07:20:00.000-05:00

My muse... is a wonderful little creature who helps me out a whole lot and loves chocky and will seem to work for Marce as well. She also has a sadistic streak a mile wide that commonly results in me starting to twitch or lose more sleep than normal. Or make people think I'm crazier than they already do, because I'll talk ideas out. The arguing with myself is what really gets them... especially when I manage to lose... :P

So yeah, I got more ideas for my story today so I wrote more than usual. Which is a good thing for those of you who don't know. That means that on the days when I have no or very little ideas/inspiration then I don't have to worry near as much since I will have those extra words to make up for whatever I miss on said possible day.

I also did not sleep all night and it's almost 7:30 a.m. right now. (I hate this time thing, I so need to change it so that it actually puts the right time instead of two or three hours earlier than it really is) Instead, I wrote and watched National Geographic (a show on gigantic snakes, then caves with creatures in them then on a super volcano in Yellowstone) and lastly I popped in DVDs to watch. Which ones? Umm... let me see. The second half of Troy, The Day After Tomorrow (the super volcano thing put me in the mood for that one) and then Kingdom of Heaven, which isn't too bad at all. Got three pages front and back written too... now I just have to type them out and see how many words that equals out to. Hopefully around 2,000+ so that I don't have too much to get written today.

Hmm... think I'm getting a fever, damnit. Maybe I'm getting too little sleep and too little food again, at least, that's what everyone seems to enjoy telling me. 'Katie you need to eat more.' 'Katie you need to sleep more!' Yak yak yak... it's hard to sleep for more than three or four hours a night for me, if even that. And when I do it's only because it was on the rare occasion that I popped a sleeping pill. Then I might get a full seven or eight. Do you think I'll need that much sleep when I go off to uni? I hope not, otherwise I'll be needing to get some Lunesta or something so that it'll be guaranteed every night. Or at least every night before a class or test.

Oh wow, it's starting to get light outside! And I hear someone moving around upstairs (it's gotta be grandpa, he's the only one besides me who might actually awaken before eight without the help of an alarm clock). It's snowing too, oh so pretty! We got something like two inches overnight, looks nice. But I can't wait to go to the UP where they get loads more snow than we do here... ahhhh, it'll be wonderful. Away from central Michigan at long last. And know what? Only time I'll come back is for visits, I am never going to live in this area of the state again. And if I do, then I want someone to promise to come shoot me. Or at least beat some sense into me until I move away. Anyone up for it? :P

But yeah, I'm going to go get started on copying out what I already wrote. Which I would have started earlier if I hadn't decided to be good and post for Vaj before she has fits or something like that... only post I had to make too. Go figure, the thread I enjoy least out of my current ones is the one I have to post for. Not that I don't like 'Darkest Shadows, Brightest Lights' or anything, I just don't like it best. Best would probably be 'So Close to Perfect'.

'Aura Color'

2005-12-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

So I was browsing around, bored, and I found this Aura Color test, so I took it and these are my results. I'll even post the link so that anyone who wants to can take it as well.

Lavender- Fantasy, enchantment, dreams, myths, spiritual beings, angels, fairies are all concepts which fill the Lavenders’ mind. Lavenders tend to live in a fantasy world. They prefer to spend their time out of their bodies, where life is pretty and enchanting. It is challenging for these airy beings to live in three-dimensional reality.

Lavenders prefer imaginary pictures of the world, seeing butterflies, flowers and wood nymphs rather than dirt, concrete and large cities. Physical reality seems cold and harsh to them. These sensitive creatures are fragile and frail, and their physical appearance is often weak and pale.

Lavenders’ skin is often alabaster white because they don’t like being outdoors, unless it is to be gently surrounded by beautiful flowers and gardens. These child-like personalities are sensitive and simple. Lavenders would rather spend time watching clouds float by or daydreaming. They prefer to escape this reality with all of its demands and responsibilities.

The Lavenders behavior tends to frustrate others who may expect them to be dependable and responsible. Lavenders have no understanding of what it means to hold a responsible job or to earn money. They are more familiar with other dimensions and imagined realities.

Lavenders even have a difficult time relating to or connecting with the concepts of time, space and physical matter. They tend to experience events in their imaginations, but they are not usually grounded enough in physical reality to actually accomplish anything tangible.

Now there is one aspect of me... it conflicts in a few areas with the other area I got an 8 on (yes, I tied) but the other one fits in some places that Lavender does not:

Green - Greens are some of the most powerful and intelligent people in the aura spectrum. Greens are extremely bright. They process information and ideas quickly; jumping from steps one to ten. They do not like dealing with all the steps and details in between.

A project that is too detailed is tedious and boring for Greens . They prefer to develop an idea, organize a plan, and then delegate someone else to take care of the details.

Greens are very drawn to money, power, and business. These quick-thinkers are very organized and efficient. They write lists and efficiently check off the items on the list as they are completed. Greens recognize patterns and discover solutions very quickly.

When Greens are in their power, they can accomplish anything. They love to set goals and are determined to achieve them. Greens are “movers and shakers” when it comes to taking action. They are also typically the workaholics on the planet.

Greens are highly competitive and enjoy challenges. They thrive on taking risks. Gambling is common for Greens , especially if there is a potential for large winnings.

Being strong-willed, these powerful personalities are determined to have their own way, which they usually feel is the right way. A person is rarely able to win an argument with Greens.

And I hate to say this one... but it seems that I also have what is known as a Red Overlay. No, this isn't a good thing at all, and unfortunately it fits me as well. I wish that it didn't, it might be nice if it didn't, but it does. All too well.

People are not born with a Red Overlay. A Red Overlay is usually added to the outer bands of the aura early on in life because the person felt a need for protection. While a Red Overlay can offer protection, it also can become a terrible burden to bear.

The two most common indications that a person is carrying a Red Overlay are either feelings of intense anger and rage, or continuous struggle and self-sabotage. If these people don’t eventually remove the Red Overlay from their aura, their protective shield will eventually become their prison.

People usually add a Red Overlay to their aura for one or more of the following reasons:

They have had a life-threatening situation at birth or at a young age, which caused them to perceive that they may die, or that the world was not a safe place. Examples of life-threatening situations can include birth complications, severe illness, choking, drowning or suffocating. Many people do not remember these incidents, and so the source of their anger or struggle remains a mystery to them. They frequently have feelings of dread or of impending disaster for reasons unknown to them.

People may also add a Red Overlay if they have been physically, emotionally or mentally abandoned or rejected. Red Overlays frequently appear in people who were unwanted children, adopted or separated from a parent at a young age. This can also apply to children who felt emotionally abandoned by a parent, even when the parent appeared to be physically present in the home.

The most obvious and traceable causes for Red in the aura are those cases in which people have been physically, emotionally or mentally abused. Children who have been sexually abused, physically beaten, or raised by alcoholic or verbally abusive parents usually feel that the world is an unsafe and undependable place and that protection is necessary for survival.

Red Overlays can even appear around children who felt emotionally or physically smothered or suppressed. They feel betrayed by the adults, who were supposed to love, nurture and protect them as children. Not everyone who felt abandoned by a parent has a Red Overlay, however. The experience had to be intense enough or serious enough to have threatened the emotional or physical survival instincts of the child.

It is important for people to remove their Red Overlay. However, most people will not release the Red Overlay as long as they continue to believe that life is not safe.

Link: http://www.auracolors.com/test.htm

A Quick Result

2005-12-01T09:08:00.000-05:00

Firstly... *point at Marce* I got this off her blog so blame her :P Nah, it actually wasn't that bad. The fact that it made me lawful though... well, maybe that means I decided to go into the right thing at uni after all! heh.

I Am A: Lawful Neutral Elf Ranger Druid

Alignment:
Lawful Neutral characters believe in the triumph of law and order above all else. It does not matter whether the leader is for good or evil; the leader will be followed, because the order they provide is the most important thing.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.

Deity:
Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

See? Lawful, Neutral, and an Elf. The Elf part isn't surprising, really... I always get Elf on things like this. Unless vampire is an option, then I can get that one too. Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here besides me?

And yes... I must add something in here, something I have done that is totally mental and I think that my writing muse (Marce you were supposed to hold onto her, didn't I tell you? :P ) took possession of me for a few brief moments. Not very long at all, yes? Well it was long enough to enter me for NaNoFiMo; National Novel Finishing Month. The goal is less than the one I just finished, but still. I was kinda looking forward to not having to meet a deadline every single day. At least it gives me a good reason to keep on writing all the time, and more time to finish my story before uni. But seriously... after November, the muse should be locked up and let out only at specific, pre-determind times.

Blegh

2005-11-28T20:30:00.000-05:00

Irritating little… alright, just to clarify: people who say they hate their parents just because they make them do chores, homework, come home at a reasonable hour, tell them not to smoke/do drugs, have sex, etc. etc. BOTHER me beyond ALL belief. Why? Because those are what are commonly known as good parents. Parents who do that care about their kid and how they turn out, you can’t have a truly good reason to hate them. Unless you’re a shallow little brat who wants to rebel just because it’s ‘the cool thing to do’. Morons the lot of you -_-

Yes, I think I have a right to say this. Why? Because I bloody well know what it’s like to have a good, legitimate reason to hate my parents. Or step-parents. Ultimate is when one of your parents says that she hates you and actually means it. Or when they always lecture you because of you being something that you cannot help, or not agreeing with them on matters of religion after you turn like, fifteen and can actually think about it for yourself reasonably. But… just hating them, or claiming to, because your mother chooses to make you be home by eleven on a school night? Come on… that’s reasonable. If that was all my mother did I’d be thrilled. I just… can’t believe people with parents like that think that they have it worse than anyone else… it’s stupidity.

Today was also the day I helped grandma Joan and great-grandma Marlyn with the grave blankets. Three of them; and I never enjoy it. Mostly because I have to carry all of them by myself, not easy. And then there’s the fact that I am utterly paranoid about stepping on a grave. I mean really, I cannot even bear the thought of standing on someone’s grave… why I’m not totally sure. Not only does it seem kinda disrespectful, but it gives me the shivers. And I always do the weirdest thing when leaving the graves of my relatives… I kiss my hand, has to be the left one, and hold it down towards the headstone. Not sure why I do it, but I always do *shrugs* Weird, yes, but totally me.

And as a sidenote... the Silklantern CR has been annoying me more than usual lately. Enough that I don't even feel much like taking the effort to sign in there anymore. Why? Because it's been flooded with people who seem to have one goal, and that is annoy others. Such as Amateru, Arctice, etc. So yeah, if you don't see me in there for awhile then they are why. And the others who just... yeah.

I WIN!!

2005-11-27T12:21:00.000-05:00

As of this morning, I have won NaNoWriMo. *grins happily* Yay me and all that good stuff, because I actually won this year! Last year I didn't, because of a certain someone who distracted me, but this year I had a writing partner who didn't distract me and helped out a lot, probably more than she realizes. Thanks a lot, Marce, really. So yeah, this isn't going to be very long, because I'm mostly just happy that I'm done with the National Novel Writing Month 2005 and have another year until the next one rolls around. I'll still be writing on Heartseer though... I kinda have to. Can't just let my ideas lie around collecting dust until I feel like it again. Maybe I'll make December my own writing month... yes, again straight off. My goal: complete Heartseer, or at least another 50K on it, if it ends up being that long. Could be, I'm only just starting Chapter Eight and I have a feeling the count will end up being something like eighteen or twenty, all depends on what the characters do.

And yes, the characters have lives of their own! You'd have to be a writer to understand how they develop personalities and attitudes just like regular people.

Child Protective Services

2005-11-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

Today is an evil day. And yes, I mean that. Why? Various reasons. Main one would be the call that came in just about an hour or so ago about my brother. Yes, my brother. The Child Protective Services called my dad to inform him that the living conditions where my mother and excuse-of-a-stepfather live are beyond unsuitable for anyone, much less a teenager. They live in a fifth-wheel in some guys backyard (might I note that this guy is jobless, an alcoholic and he grows his own weed, which is against my mother’s so-called moral code) that has a) no running water, b) no electricity, and c) NO BLOODY HEAT!!!! It’s the end of November for goddess’s sake! There has been snow and they have no heat in the place. I mean come on, how much sense do you need to see how utterly wrong that is? Especially for your own child!

So, the C.P.S. is going to call Friend of Court and put up a case for my mother losing custody of my brother. About damn time too, she doesn't deserve custody of him, especially not when she's married to that piece of garbage she calls 'husband'. I don't like my step-dad, can you tell? I am glad that my brother is being taken away from them though... I always felt bad for leaving him there alone. After all, I couldn't defend or shelter him from them when I wasn't there, and I know that they always badgered him about me. Now that he won't be living with them anymore I feel a whole lot better. No longer guilty over leaving him alone. After doing so very much to ensure that his mental sanity is kept intact, I definitely didn't want it going to tatters just because I tried to preserve a shard of my own. I didn't really succeed all that well, but I tried. And he's getting out younger... less time for them to fuck his mind up -_-

So yeah, I'm not happy with my mother and step-father right now. I only just kept myself from calling my mother and chewing her out for forcing my brother to live in those conditions. It's just not bloody right and she knows it. And now I'm going to do something else; write more or something to calm myself down so that I don't end up calling my mother. Only bad things will come of that.

Why Does It Still Hurt?

2005-11-21T17:08:00.000-05:00

I hate whining about my problems... until I remember why I do. And that's because it is a hell of a lot better than the alternatives. The main one which involves something sharp and I... I don't want to do that again. I never wanted to do it, I just had to. But I haven't done it for like, a month, and that's a good thing. I don't want to go to college and have fresh marks on my arms, the scars are bad enough. But I guess that's my punishment for not keeping everything inside. SI (self-injuring) hurts three times; when you actually do it, when you remember that you did it, and when you see the scars that you gave yourself.

And it always comes in groups, it can't ever just be one single thing at a time. Not even in pairs of three, like everyone says things do, sometimes in twos and sometimes in groups of up to six or seven. My brother insisting upon talking about religion and mother, even though he knows how much that gets to me. I just can't handle it! It just makes me think of all the things she's said, things she hasn't, and what I was taught for me whole life. Then a double-edged sword; great on one side and god-awful on the other. And I don't know which side is worse!!! That's the worst part... I don't know which side I want to avoid more. Or is it that I don't want to avoid either? I can't handle this, I just can't. If I think about it too much without writing it out then I'll never finish my Nano, and I'm so bloody close this year. I will succeed, I have to.

When I came back on Saturday I had a surprise waiting for me in my inbox, and that was an email from Nicole. Just a friendly email, no different than something I'd expect to get from Allee or Tyger, or Marcela maybe. Just a normal email, shouldn't have matter anymore than one from another friend would have, it shouldn't've. But it did, no matter that I didn't want it to. And it made me think about her again. I've been able to not think about her for a month... okay, that's a lie. I've been able to not think much about her for about a month. Because she hasn't been on a lot. I was half starting to be able to believe that all I bloody thought of her as was a friend, just a friend, nothing more. It's amazing how well I can lie to myself. Because that's not how I think of her, it isn't.

Have you ever wanted to believe in an ideal, said that you wanted to, and can't? I think it would make things much easier for me if I could just believe that love, kindred spirits, affinities, etc. etc. were a load of rubbish, not real at all. A good portion of me wants to believe that, but then there's like, the 1/3 that refuses to. Because of one person, a person who hurt me, and not just one time. Two times in specifics, and another one that wasn't so bad and stretched out for a month or two. Not physically hurt, but emotionally. That's where I get hurt most anyhow, emotionally. And I still bloody love her! Damnit all, it hurts so much when I realize that I can't be angry with her. I want to be... I want to be angry, but I can't. I still can't be angry with her. It's been like, four months, and I'm still not mad at anyone but myself. Well, on this matter.

Then there's realizing that I am not the same person that I was half a year ago. One event opened a floodgate and changed me forbloodyever. And yes, I meant that to be one word. *lays claim to it* It wasn't even the most terrible thing in my life, yet it was what triggered everything. A flood that wiped out all my barriers, made me see some things that I had forced myself to forget. You know how people can do that, make a wall in their memory that is unsurpassable until something triggers the wall to break. I honestly believed that I had told Nicole everything bad that had ever happened to me, I truly did. Until she decided that she wanted to be alone, a.k.a. without me. Then the flood broke those walls and left me changed. I can't just be happy anymore, I can't be completely happy at all. Oh I can have fun and enjoy myself, smile, laugh and all those good things, but there is always that part of me that isn't happy. And now it's more prominent. I'm scared of things I was never afraid of before, I'm a little afraid to be myself. All the good it's done me is make me happy for awhile and then slam me right back down to reality.

I think I've figured out why I really want to be a lawyer or politician. It's because I want to help other people. I want to do good things for them, help make their lives better. One of the best feelings I have is when I remember the two people I've helped most in my life. My brother, Nick, and Nicole. Notice the similarities in names, it's weird. I sheltered my brother, not from the world, but from our parents. I basically lit a candle for Nicole and helped her see herself, or so I think. And knowing that I helped them makes me feel good. I guess I can live with all that life seems to enjoy throwing at me so long as I can make it easier for other people. Not myself... how strange is that? I want to help others instead of me.

Ultimate irony with that is that Nick is one of the people who thinks my heart is three-quarters ice. So do my cousins; and the rest of the family is starting to think so do. I wouldn't doubt if my friends were next. Well, maybe my heart has turned to mostly ice, but the part that isn't frozen seems to be doing pretty well. It manages to bleed, after all...

New Books

2005-11-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I don't have much to make into an entry, but I'm bored and just a little tired of copying out word after word after word from my notebook. My hand cramped so bad last night... and I have two posts to write up *sigh* One for Vaj and Makien, and another for Marcela. Which one should I do first? Eh, probably the Vaj-one since she can get more impatient. Which one will I do first? The one for Marce; just because I like that thread more already and I like her more too :P Yes, I use levels of like for when I post for you >.> Sometimes. Maybe. Eh, I don't know what I'm talking about, I seriously need to sleep when I'm in my bedroom.

Anyhow, went up to Barnes & Noble (best bookstore in the world) yesterday and got myself two new books. The first is the newest installment in one of my favorite fantasy series. The series itself doesn't really have a name (I just call it the Firekeeper Saga, and have heard others do so as well), but it doesn't need one either. The newest book is Wolf Captured and it's by Jane Lindskold. It's a wonderful series, really. Just don't make my mistake and buy Wolf's Head, Wolf's Heart first (it's the second book) instead of Through Wolf's Eyes. Both of which are excellent, by the way, and so is the third, Dragon of Despair. Jane Lindskold is just a great author, in my opinion.

And the other book I got is Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb. I've already finished off the Farseer Trilogy (very good) so I decided to move onto the next one, even though I've been told it doesn't go along with the Farseer. But that's fine with me, Nic (she recommended Robin Hobb to me in the first place) told me that the Liveship Traders is the best trilogy out of the three. Or did she say Tawny Man? Hmm... now I'm not sure what she said, but oh well, I have two new books so I am happy. Dad bought Feast of Crows by George R.R. Martin as well, been waiting for that book to come out for quite awhile now. It's the newest one in the Song of Ice and Fire series.

Now I'm going to go do some more typing... though I am giving serious thoughts to taking some sleeping pills and getting some shut eye... might be a good idea, hope I have some left.

Home At Last!

2005-11-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

I AM CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dances around, sings, chants, and is clean, damnit!* Clean clean clean clean, clean, clean, and CLEEAAN!!!

*clears throat* Ahem, well, now that I’ve gotten that one out of my system… can’t tell that I’m happy to be clean again, can you? Well I’d like to see you go a week without bathing *twitches* Not just a normal week though, a week in deer camp with five guys who do not seem to have a sense of smell that detects anything but the rankest odors and my lotions or chapstick. Anyone else see something wrong with that little picture? Yeah, thought so. It gets much worse after Opening Day too. Why? Because you put on about six layers of clothing, carry a gun that weighs like, ten or fifteen pounds, and walk for a mile out and a mile back. So you sweat. And, while I change every layer daily, they reuse theirs. That is SO beyond wrong, yet no matter how many times I tell them that they just seem to ignore me… Alrighty then, now I’m going to do a little day-by-day blurb. Read it if you want, or don’t, I personally do not care :P

11/12 - Early to rise, early to arrive at the campsite. And it was cold there… very cold. So I got to spend the majority of the time for set-up sitting in the truck, drifting in and out of sleep. I was able to be the first to set my sleeping area up though. Unfortunately, it was not a very comfortable space. It was (as it always has been) the top bunk that was a whole six inches from the canvas top of the tent. Oh wait, that’s just near to the outside edge, the inside edge is about two inches above my head, maybe. Makes me extremely nervous when it rains or snows. It was a very boring day… so I spent most of it writing. I will note that I’m afraid of sleeping in that bunk; my first year here I ended up having to go outside in the middle of the night because someone stoked the fire too high and I felt like I was suffocating. Sleeping up there is just… not an enjoyable experience at all. There’s also the added fact that every single other person there snores… all night long.

11/13 - DUUUUUUUULLLLLL!!!! Oh wait, that’s right. No… still dull. Spent the whole day sitting around a campfire, writing. I think that my fingers froze though, because right now they feel like they are about to fall off.

11/14 - The day to sight in. For those who don’t know, that means that I had to shoot my rifle (it’s a .30/.30, and yes, I had to write that down so that I could remember it, I am not good with gun names/brands/calibers/whatever) so that if I see a buck then I won’t miss because my scope is extremely off. Which it was -_- Took me like, nine shells until it was finally on. This is what happens when you don’t shoot a gun for about two years. I probably won’t get to shoot at anything else anyhow… I think I made a deal with whatever powers that be… If I get accepted at Northern then I don’t give a rip whether or not I shoot a deer. I still have issues thinking about actually shooting the thing, I mean, the deer never hurt me, so why do I want to go sit outside and shoot one? It’s a conflict. And tomorrow is Opening Day, so I need sleep. Or I need to try to sleep, despite the symphony of snores that will once again be taking place -_-

11/15 - OPENING DAY! To a hunter, it can be like Christmas. Well, for the seriously dedicated ones. For me, it’s just an interesting occurrence that gives me an excuse to sit outside all day. Unfortunately, it also means getting woken up by the most ANNOYING alarm clock in the world (every year I want to throw it into the wood stove) and trudging for a mile until I reach my blind. It was all overcast too, so I was extremely paranoid that it was going to rain on me. It started to, too. So I went in at about two in the afternoon instead of staying out until after five. Saw one thing, and that was a doe. Which is not something to be shot at, oh no, that would be a very bad idea. But yeah… no one shot anything.

11/16 - It was RAINING when we got up -_- I do *not* go outside in the rain. In my eyes, shooting a deer is not worth sitting in the rain and getting completely soaked and cold. Not by a long, long shot. Everyone else did though, and that is so their loss, because they came back soaked to the skin and none of them even saw anything. Spent most of the day playing Euchre with Nick (me bro), dad, and then Justin at night. We are officially Euchre obsessed. Well, it gives me something to do in place of writing all the time. I haven’t even finished the post I was supposed to write for Marcela yet!! *cries* Nah, I just can’t get into it, I’m too set on this story right now. But yeah, bed again, I plan on going out tomorrow. Paranoid about the roof leaking again though. Why? Because there are hundreds of little droplets just waiting to fall from the roof… fall right on my head. Bleh!

11/17 - Another boooring day. Best part of it would be that it snowed all day long, so it was absolutely gorgeous. I lost all the feeling in every part of my body expect for my head and chest, but it was still worth it just to see how pretty everything was.

11/18 - I didn’t go out until the afternoon, and then I went out *after* dad shot his five-point buck. I saw nothing, again. I think it’s a typical thing and that the ‘deal’ I made in my mind was taken seriously by whatever was listening. Ah well, I don’t really mind. Minus the fact that my fingers are still not fully recovered… and the fourth Harry Potter movie came out today!!! I want to seeeeeee it!! Oh yeah… since dad shot a buck, they broke out the Wilderberry Schnapps bottle. And I had to try it… just let me say here and now; gross! It tasted exactly like cough medicine *shudders* Had to brush my teeth just to get the taste to go away.

11/19 - Day to leave! I was anxious the whole way home too. Why? Because I was that desperate for a shower. And now I’m here, and done writing because I have so much to type up that it isn’t even funny… aaahhh, but it’s good to be home.

I'm Taking My Week-Long Leave Now... Help Me

2005-11-12T08:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah… I got up at like, four-thirty just to be sure that I would be ready in time and here I sit, an hour before we have to leave with nothing to do. So I decided to hop on the computer and type up one more blog entry before I hit the road for deer camp.

Ahhhh, deer camp. The place I didn’t go last year so that I did not have to take my midterm exams (which I ended up getting out of, mwuhaha) but where I went in 2001, 2002 and 2003. It’s in a beautiful location and I’m sure that I would enjoy a hundred times more if I was not stuck in a tent with my father, grandfather and Duane. Oh yes, and since 2003, the addition of my brother, Nick. And this year, Justin is going up. Now I don’t really have anything against any of them… minus the fact that they smell bad after two days without a shower. After a week without a shower? I’m ready to die and they act as though they’re just peachy… *twitches* Yes, I said a week without a shower. Am I prepared for that? No way in Hell, I’m never prepared for that! Best I could do was scrub extremely hard in the shower, until it felt like my skin was about to come off. That, and wash my face every night while I’m there. Now if only the other five didn’t smell… Yes, I know that I smell after that amount of time to. But know what else? The earth scent I have to rub over my clothes so that the deer can’t smell me covers up any adverse odors that might come from my body. Does it do that with them? Nooooooo. That, and the day we leave I always spray myself with body spray just so that I can smell something nice on the ride home. It’s a pleasant change.

I will get a deer this year too… really! >.> I have to, so that everyone will stop saying that I can’t shoot one. Thing is, I have great aim (and yes, I can prove it, all you have to do is come target shooting with me :P ) and all, I just never get a shot. I’ve seen two bucks while sitting out there and like, five doe. Only can’t shoot the doe because I don’t have an anterless permit. So, I have to wait for a buck to come to me so that I can shoot him. Not looking forward to the tracking of the deer (if he doesn’t drop where shot) or the gutting. Definitely not the gutting. I had issues with dissecting a worm in biology class. Can you imagine me degutting a deer? *feels sick at the mere mention of it* But if, no when, when when when! I shoot a deer I will be sure to get a picture of me with it. Hopefully not in my hunting clothes either. All those bloody layers and that jacket (belonged to my great-grandfather and is just a bit too big for me) make me look like a puffy orange marshmallow and yes, I am serious. Compare a pic of me in my hunting gear and me out of my hunting gear and there is a significant difference in size. Looks like I rapidly gain and loose something like forty pounds >.> Not a pretty picture, believe me. I’m so glad that there are no mirrors up there. *shivers* And that my hair is finally long enough for a ponytail! I look so much better after a few days without washing my hair if I am able to stick it up in a ponytail so that the greasiness is not evident.

Did I mention the cold? No? There's supposed to be snow accumilation by Wednesday... so yeah, if I don't come back, it's because I froze into a popsicle while sitting in the same spot for a whole day waiting for the deer to show up so I can shoot it and get my blood flowing again. Average temperature is supposed to be something like, 20-45 degrees Farenheit. And, for those of you who have never been in temperatures like that, it is damn COOOLLLD!!!!!

Now I’m going to be writing something like 10,000 + words by hand by the light of the sun (today, Sunday and Monday) and then by light of lantern (everyday afterwards). Hunting starts on November 15, so those first three days are for preparing and such. I just hope that I can manage to write as much as I have been… wish me luck for that! Oh yeah, and I have a post to get written up for Marcela. That should be fun, it’s an enjoyable thread and if I like writing a post then it always turns out waaaaay better.

Anyhow, adios! Better get going before I get dragged out of here by my ponytail, men can be so impatient *insert eye-rolling* To anyone who reads this: have a good week!! *leaves a snug for Marce and Ciry*

Day Ten of the Madness

2005-11-10T19:09:00.000-05:00

Madness!!!! *twitches* Soooo many issues with writing this chapter. The first part (which only ended being about two pages long) was about Willow and not very hard at all. See, by now I've got a very good idea of who Willow is and how she reacts to things. So writing her isn't hard. Nita and Honey are not difficult to write either, they just... flow. But now I'm introducing another character's point-of-view and it is hard! Marcela helped me with figuring out a few things and it's easier now, but still harder than it should be. A character should not be hard to write, you should just know how to write them. Like they are a part of you. Guess I'm going to have to crack down and find my inner-Twilight. Ooooh but my family's going to love me whenever I write her... >.>

Rest In Peace, Jessica

2005-11-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today my cousin, Jessica, was killed in a car accident. There was no drunk driver involved, just an idiotic one whom she called 'aunt'. I still tear up, or full out cry (yes I'm admitting it, go fuck yourself if you have a problem), when I think of it or when I drive past the place where it happened. Only been to her grace once, and it's a beautiful one. I want to go again, but I don't know if I can manage it. I can hardly manage going to The Pond for the family reunion anymore. Last time I went was for father's day... and I spent the last half of the day sitting alone on the swing dedicated to her, just staring at the water. Her mum ended up coming over and we hugged, but said not a word. Except for when she told her husband (not Jess's dad) that I had been Jessica's buddy since before she could walk. Heh, funny how those things happen.

What I'm going to write here is the poem that was in Jessica's eulogy (or whatever you call it). I still have it, keep in it one of my desk drawers. I like this poem quite a bit, mostly because it makes me think of happy times with her, in the summer:

Roses are red as red as the summer sun

with every breath we take we know our

time could be done. I hope you will

remember me when I'm gone for when I

am there will be no more.

Sitting there in class you will feel eyes

burning in the back of your neck turn

around and see no one there but just close

your eyes and remember me.

Remember the good times and the bad I

hope you will remember me for in your

darkest hour I will be there with you

watching you.

Waiting for you to remember!

Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to forget, to let go. And now, I'm going to write down what I remember for the night two years ago. Why? Because it will help me and because I can. No one is forcing anyone to read this, so deal if you don't like it and go read something else.

I had been at a bonfire party with a bunch of friends. We'd played games (most of which included getting through this huge hilly, field without getting spotted), ate candy, joked around... and in the middle of it all I had the strong urge to call Jessica. I even told my brother, Nick, to remind me to call dad tomorrow and get her number. I'm awful with remembering numbers, ask anyone, I know three off the top of my head :P When we got home (we'd left early because I had started to get a headache) there was a message on the machine telling me to call dad. So I did. The moment he started talking I knew that something was wrong. He told me Jessica had died from injuries she received in a car crash. I was beyond shocked, I didn't believe him. I told him he was lying, but he said he wasn't. So I screamed it, threw the phone across the room (luckily it landed on the couch), and ran into my room. I didn't even lie on the bed, I collapsed on the floor and just started crying. I don't know how long I was there until mom came in and moved me to my bed. I cried myself to sleep and didn't eat a thing for over a week. It was worse than losing my great-grandfather. The only thing that could be worse would be if Kendra, Kristen, Rachel, Danny, Zack or my brother died. I've known them all my entire life... life wouldn't be the same without them. Just like it isn't quite the same without Jess.

Rest in peace, Jessica, even though you've been gone for two years I still say it. I still say it to grandpa and he's been gone seven...

Day Seven of the Madness

2005-11-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

And it has truly turned into madness because I am soooo stuck on this one part. It's dealing with the time while Willow is sick (I'm not about to write in her perspective on being ill... that wouldn't be very fun) and it's just not flowing/clicking the way that I want it to. So I'm struggling, which is not good because I need to write a lot more this week than last. Have to leave for deer camp on Saturday and, while I can write in my notebook while I'm up there, I want to have as much done before I leave as possible. Because I won't have very much time to write while I'm up there. Unless it chooses to rain a couple of days, because I refuse to go sit out in the woods when it means I'm going to be getting wet. Bad enough that I'm in a tent with four guys, I'm not going to go and get wet and worsen my temper. Last time I went (2003) was the worst because it was *that* time of the month so I was one prickly person to deal with.

Yesterday was a family get-together, mainly because Uncle Dave is up in Michigan for awhile. He moved to Florida a couple of years ago so we don't see very much of him anymore. He's a lot nicer now than he used to be though, I like his visits. It was also nice because I got to see Elise, one of my favorite cousins, whom I dont see often because she's down in Chicago. Bad because the Lions got beat in football, again. This is why my favorite team is the Steelers, at least they know how to win! Lions win occasionally, but it's a surprise when they do, and I don't think they're likely to make it to the Super Bowl anytime in my lifetime.

Currently ticked off beyond all belief at Swan Valley and Northern Michigan. Why? Because someone is lying to me!!! And I hate being lied to, hate it hate it hate it. Either the secretary at my old high school forgot to send the transcripts and lied to me to keep from being embarrassed, or Northern got my transcripts and haven't looked at them yet. Yet they did take the time to send me a letter saying that they had not yet received my transcripts so my vote is that the high school secretary is lying. But I can't just accuse her of that because then she might not send them >.> I'm calling again on Wednesday to ensure that she has sent them, I am not going to get screwed over because of someone else's mistake. My own, fine. Someone else's? No way in hell.

And here's a little thing I found about my birth month. Bits of it actually fit me:
MARCH: Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody. (And if anyone wants their's then let me know and I'll look it up :p I hate posting links here)

Day At Cabella's and My Hate/Love List

2005-11-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

Today I went to Cabella's (it's over two hours away in Dundee, under twenty miles from the Michigan/Ohio border) with my cousin Kristen, my cousin Brandon (a.k.a. Spawn of Satan), my grandma, grandpa, and father. The ride was not fun by any measures. Mostly because Brandon stayed awake the whole way and seemed to be content only when he was bothering someone else. By rolling his water back then slipping out of his seatbelt to get it, licking the window, kicking the window, turning around in his seat, screaming, hitting... yeah, typical five-year-old things. Personally, I don't see why we had to bring him along, but I'm not one to argue with my family for overly long. At least, not when it's four against one. And not when they get patronizing when I start to get the tiniest bit upset. Was much more fun when they'd actually argue back full-tilt. But nooo, now every bloody person in the world who is even close to mattering won't do that.

When we finally got to Cabella's it was enjoyable. Place is huge!! And full of all these awesome displays of stuffed animals. Whitetail deer, elk, moose, rams, goat, foxes, wolves, pronghorn, lynx, bobcat, grizzly bear, black bear, coyote, polar bear... and that was just the mountain display! They also had several from other countries, including Africa. They had this freaky deer from China too... maybe a foot and a half high and it had fangs! I am serious, it was this mini-deer with fangs. Quite scary and not the sort of thing I'd ever want to run into in the wild. I mean... deer and fangs is just not a good mix.

They also had this giant aquarium filled with all sorts of fish that live in Michigan waters. It was cool to stand in there and look around, felt like I was underwater. I absolutely loved it. Would've spent the whole time there if I could've, but I had to stick with Kristen to make sure nothing happened to her >.> And because she had the watch and wouldn't let me have her second one (I lost my watch over a year ago). But yeah, it was fun. The ride back wasn't so bad either. But that's mostly because Brandon slept almost the entire way and it was peacefully quiet. Dad and Kristen slept too, but I couldn't seem to. I did manage to eat though, yay -_- I don't get what this preoccupation with food is. If I'm not hungry for a few days then I'm not hungry and don't need to eat. Trying to force me too is just not a good idea. Weird how my dad has no problem not arguing with me for long when it comes to most things, but is willing to get into shouting matches when it comes to my eating habits.

And this is a list thing that I came across in my livejournal. I'm editing it though. First part is ten things that I love: (happy things, basically)
Ten Things I Love:
1. Thunderstorms: The really huge ones with lots of rain, lightning, thunder, and wind. The ones that are considered dangerous to be out in. I love standing out in them and just letting the feeling of nature unleashed raging around me. It soothes me, calms me in a way that gentle rain cannot. If I can’t be outside (because my family and friends seem to think it’s so dangerous to my health) then I’ll stand at a big glass window and watch. I would love to someday see a tornado and hurricane, not on tv, but for real.

2. Storms: Whether it be a snowstorm, a gentle snow shower, or just snow piled up on the ground, I love it. It’s so clear, clean, pure, and white. And cold, very very cold. I love winter mostly because of the snow. I can spend hours outside in the snow, going numb from the cold doesn’t really bother me. It’s just so beautiful. Especially when snow laces the dark branches of trees in a forest… *sighs*

3. Writing: I’ve loved writing since I first learned how. Whether it’s some new idea for a story that just popped into my head or a poem that I just suddenly got the idea to write I love it. I don’t even mind having to write papers for classes. Sometimes I would just write because I itched to put words onto a page, there doesn’t always have to be a purpose to what I write.

4. Camping: Give me a tent (waterproofed) and a nice campsite along with firewood, or an axe, and I could be content for a veeeeeery long time. I love to go camping, but only if it’s at a rustic site. Otherwise it isn’t really camping. I mean come on, electricity on a camping trip? That’s one major no-no. I love the smell and feel of being in the woods, away from everything else.

5. Stones: I have always had this odd obsession for collecting stones and rocks. They don’t have to be pretty, they just have to catch my eye. I love walking along a beach just collecting stones. Or if I’m walking in the woods and notice a neatly-shaped stone or rock then I’ll stop to pick it up, just because it seems like I should.

6. Water/Waves: Even though deep water and strong waves can frighten me, I still love them. Especially just sitting on a lakeshore, listening to the waves lap at the shore. It’s so very soothing and the light (sun, stars, moon, it doesn’t matter) glinting off the surface is just so beautiful. Rivers or streams are nice to listen to as well. Mostly the ones that seem almost to sing because of small or large rapids.

7. Understanding: Not sympathy or pity, I especially hate pity directed towards me. But understanding. When someone will listen to me and try to understand what I’m saying. Certain people that is. Not when they’re acting understanding, I can tell then, but when they’re really trying. It isn’t something that happens very often, maybe that’s why I love it so much when I find it.

8. Stars/Moon: Both are lovely to watch at night, I can’t chose between them. The stars are always most beautiful on the night of the new moon too. Crescent moons always seem to be so perfect… like they were cut by some master jewel smith or something. I’d love to have a necklace that looks just like a crescent moon, carved out of diamond or pearl or moonstone…

9. True Friends: An area I seem to be lacking more than four or five people in, according to my definition of it.
Friends who will stick with you through anything, friends who won’t turn their backs on you if something goes wrong, friends who won’t stab you in the back or forget about you. Mostly friends who will support and help you through everything.

10. Honesty: How hard is this one? How hard is it to be honest and true? I'm not sure which is worse, being dishonest for the fun of it or to be hurtful. But when people are honest it is one of the best things in the world, in my eyes. Be honest with me, even if it's not something I really want to hear, and I'll respect you at the very least. Lie to me and chances are that I'll never like you until you redeem yourself. If it can happen.

Top Ten Things I Hate:
1. Spiders: Enough said just by saying the name of the creatures! Spiders are evil and I have never liked them, nor will I. They just give me the creeps, whether they are itty bitty tiny or huuuge. A spider is a spider, plain and simple.

2. Liars: Not just people who tell the occasional lie and have an actual reason for it, but the ones who tell lies all the time and live as though the lies are true. IRL or on the net, because in my opinion, one is as bad as the other. Worst is the people who lie to you time and time again and seem sincere about it! And get surprised when you don't believe them, or angry.

3. Being Forced To Do Anything: From being forced to doing homework (when I was in high school) to being forced to eat or go to the psychologist I hate all equally. Trying to force me to do something only makes me want to do it less. People who know me should know this. You can ask me to do something and I probably will, so long as it isn't awful or anything. But tell me to do something or try to force me and chances are that I will balk no matter who you are or what it is. I think that might be why I hated going to the psychologist so much, I was forced.

4. Hypocrites: You know, those people who tell you not to do something then turn around and do themselves. I can’t count the number of times I have just wanted to scream at someone like that, it is so irritating. Or people who say one thing and do something completely different, for no reason whatsoever.

5. Religious people who try to convert you: It’s fine to be religious, and to talk about it sometimes. But actively trying to convert someone who obviously has different beliefs is just annoying and wrong. A perfect example is my grandmother and mother. They constantly try to force me to agree with their Christian views, which I do not. It isn’t like I try to make them believe what I believe in. Nor do I openly scorn their beliefs, even though they quite frequently scorn and ridicule mine.

6. Bending or tearing the cover or pages of a book: Drives me crazy. Off the wall nuts. I’m very picky about who I lend my books out to because of this. Like my brother, I rarely let him borrow books because he always bends the cover back! Then it flips up when you set it down… grrrrrrrrr, takes forever to flatten back out.

7. Homophobics: Maybe I shouldn’t hate them, but I can’t help myself. They are so bloody ignorant! Especially the ones who compare a woman marrying a woman or a man marrying a man to a human being marrying and animal!!! That is basically saying that homosexuals are just like animals, it’s a disgusting comparison. That and they treat us like we’re sick in the head or no better than dirt. Bothers me. A LOT

8. Pure Stupidity: I hate this in people. You can tell them something extremely simple and easy to understand and they still screw it up. It’s really bad when you KNOW that they understand, yet still manage to mess it up. I suspect that some of the time they purposefully do it to annoy me.

9. Feeling helpless, hopeless, depressed: Which, unforunately, I seem to be feeling a lot lately. It's just so... awful, and I can't really talk about it because then I feel like I'm whining. Which I guess I am.

10. Michigan State Fans: You. Suck. Point and blank.

I Hate Being Reminded...

2005-11-04T21:22:00.000-05:00

Of anything that deals with cutting. Even more, I hate thinking of people who I care for cutting themselves, or hurting themselves in anyway. Some people may see it as hypocritical, and okay, you look at it that way if it makes you happy. But you'd have to see it through my eyes to understand what I mean. I know what it's like to be the person who hurts themself and I never want to know that one of my friends feels like they have to do it too. It seriously makes me want to cry. I'd rather everyone I know hated me than know that someone I cared for, even just a little, cut themself. I know that it helps some people with the pain, I know what that's like. I just never want anyone to have to go through it. If I had three wishes right now, then the first one would be that whenever one of my friends felt that bad, then it'd transfer to me so they didn't have to deal with it. And I am dead serious. Beyond serious.

And I hate this time of year. Four days from now and it'll have been two years since my cousin, Jessica, was killed in a car accident. I miss her. She was only fourteen years old, it's not fair that she died, it's not bloody fair and no matter what anyone says it will never be fair. I didn't go to the Family Reunion this July, I couldn't. Last time I went, in 2004, it was an absolute nightmare for me. Every Family Reunion for as long as I can remember I spent the whole day with Jess; swimming, eating, running, playing softball, playing volleyball... and in 2003 I spent the night there with her for the first time. I can still remember it as clear as day. Just like I can remember dad telling me over the phone, remember not eating for a week, remember seeing her in her coffin, watching the coffin go into the ground, seeing her mother scream...Amazing Grace. I can't hear that song without crying, even know. What am I talking about, I am crying, I can't help it. I've only been able to visit her grave once too, I don't know if I can go back. It's like my great-grandpa Clayt and my great-grandma Goldee. I can't visit their graves, I can't think about them without... feeling like it's happening all over again. My memory falters when it comes to remembering the names of childhood friends, but it's perfectly clear when it comes to remembering the deaths of people I love. Like my memory made a recording of everything and goes into automatic replay whenever it's triggered by the smallest thing.

Maybe this is why I'm so screwed up, I can't just forget about their deaths, and it's not any easier to deal with the more I think of it. And this is great... my five-year-old cousin, Brandon, just came down and saw me sitting here, crying. I can't explain why I'm crying to a little kid! I can't explain it to an adult! But I'm done now... I just have to stop thinking about it. Good thing I reached my wordgoal for the day before this, otherwise I'd fail miserably at writing the rest out.

The worst part is times like now... times when I think that nobody really cares, I guess that's the right word. I'm ranting to empty space. Oooh, I might get one of those anon replies telling me I have a nice blog and that I should buy their product or check this out. I hate those, they are so retarded. What's worse, is that I don't know if anybody should care. I never ask them to. I care about their problems (family so included) and yet part of me knows that it won't be returned. Despite all that has happened in these past few months I am still regarded as 'the happy one'. How can I be the happy one?! How can I still be the one everyone expects to smile and laugh as if everything is okay? I wish I knew what went on in their heads, and in mine, to make them believe that.

How utterly fitting this quiz is for me just now:

Sadness and depression is what lies behind your
eyes... Or even so, you can't even tell what
lies behind your eyes because they're
constantly covered up with tears! You've been
hurt, abused, and damned far too much for you
to handle it all anymore! No one understands
you because theyre too scared to get to
know you! You want to finally give up; just
escape and rid of all your pain. You want
people to understand, you want comfort... You
tend to bottle up all of your emotions and
problems, hoping that theyll all go away But
you long to reach out and tell that one special
person all of your feelings and troubles! But
you never seem to have that person to talk to,
or they just dont want to hear you! You want a
normal and happy life. Though
that picture is porcelain in your mind; it's
not as great as it seems, and most importantly,
it's not real! You always feel this
sense of loneliness clouding over your head;
isolated though surrounded by several people.
None of them know you; none of them see what's
wrong with you. You want understanding, you
want that friend, and you want that perfect
life! You often find isolated places as being
your salvation; any place away from 'them' is
ideal to you. You also love to express yourself
in many ways; whether it be through your
emotions, words, art, or even physically. You
think no one can relate to you, but you don't
know how wrong you are! You're just too scared;
too scared to admit that maybe you're wrong
about society... You want company, but at the
same time, you're scared of it. Your sanctuary
is your room where you can just be alone and
try to throw away all of your aching pains.
You're dark and mysterious and people like you
for that reason. Even if you think you're all
by yourself in the dark, someone is always
there with you. Your special someone wants to
admit and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Maybe it
isn't as bad as you portray it to be! Life
brings smiles, tears, laughter and memories...
The smiles fade, the tears dry, and the
laughter eventually dies down... But the
memories... Those last forever! So try to make
them memories you can cherish... You only live
once, so make it the best as possible :) Don't
start frowning! You never know who's falling in
love with your smile :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (Surprise!)
brought to you by

Quick Quiz

2005-11-04T18:04:00.000-05:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

*twitches* I'm not narcissistic -_- Antisocial perhaps, obsessive-compulsive probably. But narcissistic? I don't even like myself half the bloody time!

A Song and Day #4

2005-11-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

This song is fitting for my current mood. I'm not even sure of why... oh wait, yeah I am sure of how I got into this mood. Discussing last night with Marcela, for the most part. It's helpful for this part of my story though, because Willow has to be upset with her mother. And this song fits what I'm feeling, and it fits the end of Chapter Two of my story pretty damn well. Both deals Oooh, yes, I said damn. Sue me? Despite popular belief, I do know how to swear.

Perfect - Alanis Morissette:

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
Make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Fits Willow because her mother, and probably all of Miiherai, expects her to be perfect because of her name. Fits for me because it's my mum and father when it comes to practically everything. Luckily I'm used to it, so it doesn't bug me as much anymore. *goes back to writing*

Day Three of the Madness

2005-11-03T12:17:00.000-05:00

I took these three quizzes to distract my mind off of my NaNo after I completed chapter one (I figured I deserved a small break and all):

Laid Back---Your handwriting seems to be more
flowing and graceful. This means that you are
pretty laid back and carefree most of the time.
The fact that your handwriting can be so
quickly written and sometimes messy is not a
bad thing, because it means that you want to
hurry and do what you are doing to get one with
the better things in life. You are liked by
most, and any enemies you may have are caused
by jelousy towards you of people who envy your
happy-go-lucky outlook on life.
Oh yeah and that picture doesnt have anything to do
with you, I just couldnt find a good one.
Sorry.

WHAT DOES YOUR HANDWRITING SAY ABOUT YOU??? <-----------
brought to you by Quizilla
Lol, funny. I’m not quite that laid back but the quickly written and sometimes messy is definitely true.

You are a Fire Queen. You are a Brave warroir and
you know how to fight for yourselve and your
kingdom. Your kingdom is very strong and
wealthy. You might get in some wars but mostly
you win and you fear nothing!

What kind of Queen are you? ( With BEAUTIFULL pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
I do so fear things… they’re little with eight legs and furry bodies :P Utterly nasty little critters.

Now for this next one I had to go with two answers. Why? Because my eyes are more gray-green than just one or the other, so I had to pick both. And when they get blended together, it fits.

You chose green eyes.
You are a very fun person to be around. You
appreciate all the little things in life, even
if it's something like a soft pillow, or a
certain tree. You can also see the good in
people too, and like them for it. You have many
dreams, and you want to fullfill them all
before you die. You are also mysterious, and
secretive, and guys/girls are attracted to you
for it.

The Eye color personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

You chose grey eyes.
You are one of those people who like to joke around
a lot, and try to stay positive. Most of the
time though, you feel misunderstood or
underestimated, even sometimes lonely. Most
people who know you though, would not think you
were lonely at all. You tend to be a bit
snobby, and if someone puts you down, youre
ready to act back.

The Eye color personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
Those fit, when they’re blended. Minus the whole people being attracted to me thing, that one I have my doubts about. And the color combination isn’t too shabby either ;)

And now back to the writing madness. Once again I’m not very far in at the present moment, only 265 words. But ah well, I’ll get the rest done like I always do! I should reward myself every time I finish a chapter… somehow.

Day Two of the Madness

2005-11-02T03:05:00.000-05:00

And what is the madness? NaNoWriMo, of course. And it truly is madness, at least for me because I am absolutely determined to write at least 3,000 words a day. That way I'll more than complete the required 50,000 words, and if there does happen to be a day where I falter and am unable to write then I will be covered because I'll have written more than I needed to previously. I think it's a foolproof plan, even though it means I'm having to drain my creativity to write all that everyday in addition to the occasional post for SL. That's not much of a drain though, I tend to be in slow-moving threads for some reason. Maybe it's because I don't pester people to post :P

Last night I managed to write out the outline for my story, Heartseer, up to Chapter Ten. It's not a detailed outline by any means (I'll probably add more detail to some of it tonight or something like that), but at least it gives me an idea for what each Chapter will be about. And that makes it much easier to write. Decided to have it told from a few character's POV's (in third-person though) as well. Just seems more fitting to me than having it all told from the MC's view. And now I'm back off to writing. Only have a little over 200 words done for today so far. Quite a ways to go yet.

Nothing Much

2005-11-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

So NaNoWriMo started today and it took me almost three hours to get the first chapter started. The prologue was a breeze, and apparently quite good, but the first chapter was waaaay different. I'm only a couple of sentences in right now. -_- So, to distract myself, I took this quiz that Jen put up in #towerrunaways

The Countess
You are the one who masquerades to stalk her prey.
You are not exactly what you appear to be;
there is more to you than meets the eye. On the
surface you are elegant, cultured, and the very
picture of charm. But beneath your refined
exterior lurks a mind full of bone-chillingly
dark thoughts.
What's so scary about you: You catch everyone
off-guard, you are the sneak attack that no one
ever expects.
Your gemstone: Amethyst
Your moon: Dark Moon (November)

Which Beautiful Vampiress are You? (For Girls! - Gothic Anime Pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Sooooo fitting, really it is. In a lot of ways, and I like the result too :P

Anyhow, I'm dragging myself back off to write some more. Might as well get as much written while I have the ideas in my head. Have to reach wordcount!

Always Second Choice, Second String, Second Third Fourth!

2005-10-30T22:43:00.000-05:00

I hate second, hate it hate it hate it hate it! I'd rather be third or fourth instead of just second so often. Although, come to think of it, those three positions seem to be where I most typically find myself when dealing with other people. I hate to admit that it bothers me, but it does. It really, really does. Nobody notices it either, they just do it without thinking. And if I end up upset or hurt then they act all surprised. Guess I'm just not supposed to get upset or hurt over something like that. Thing is, I do think that I shouldn't let it bother me. But I can't help it. I mean, before I never really realized or thought about it for more than a minute or two. Like when it came to picking partners for labs or projects, nobody ever wanted to be with me straightaway. It's not because I'm bad at projects, I'm actually quite good at them, but because I'm me. I'm just never the first choice, I don't think I ever have been and you'd think I'd be used to that by now. Sad thing is that I'm not, because it's happening again at an alarming rate.

First, let's go with how people prefer to do things for others in place of doing them for me, even if I've been waiting longer. A perfect example would be one of my friends, Nancy. She promised to do something for/with me about a week ago (I could be off in my time sense, but only by a day or two either way) and hasn't. Yet the other day she put it off to do something with someone else. See, I could totally understand if the other person had been promised first or if they couldn't do it later, but they hadn't and they could. How do I know? Simple, she had no problem telling me and didn't seem to realize that it bothered me. Even if I say it does bother me everyone has this idea that I'm just kidding, no matter how much I insist that I'm not. I... I guess it's just not supposed to matter to me. Friends and family alike, they have no problem putting me down the line to deal with others.

Today just was not my day, as though that's not obvious already by those two little paragraphs up there. Actually, this whole weekend was an utter mix of bad and good. Good was being at the Property and actually getting along with my brother. Having a nice big fire, seeing a cute little newt (yes I thought it was cute), seeing a doe, riding about on the Ranger, finding a couple of cool rocks at Clay Ridge (as I have now named it), and sitting in the little glen at Clay Ridge that is just... perfect. Playing cards and chess with Nick, dad and grandpa. Winning almost everything, my luck was actually on, and not falling once. My hands did get a little beat up and an ember did land directly in my mouth (which bloody well hurt, my tongue is still singed), but those were my only injuries. Physically.

Mentally, or psychologically if you prefer it put that way, is another story entirely. I went into the Cabin Saturday afternoon to get a pop and for some reason dad was in a rotten mood. He said something, I think he told me not to flip the Ranger and I retorted with 'I'm not stupid, dad, don't worry.' "Oh really?" And he wasn't joking, he was serious. That would be when my temper flared up. How could it not have? I haven't been to the psych's in almost a month, I haven't been able to talk about all these complicated thoughts and feelings rushing about for even longer. I'm under strain, strain that I don't want, and he knows that. Yet he bloody goads me at every turn. I think he wants me to explode, maybe it's his idea of entertainment. I don't know what I said next, but whatever it was must've gotten under dad's skin because he told me not to talk to him like that. And I said it again, along with a few other things that I probably shouldn't have. Just like he shouldn't have goaded me. All that I can really remember him saying, there's a chance everytime I get angry that I'll dissociative myself and forget almost everything, is that he told me to stop talking as though I were an adult else he'd kick me out of the house. Nick then tried to calm us both down, but I didn't want to be calmed down. I wanted to scream at my dad. But I remember saying, calmly because it always bothers him when I'm calm and he isn't, that if he did that then he'd better be ready to never see me again. That's where I left the Cabin. Heard him say 'whatever' though, as if he didn't care. As if my father didn't care. Damnit, it was enough when it was just my mother and grandparents.

I locked myself in my room when I got home, very glad to be able to be alone. And I started crying. I hate crying, absolutely hate it. Well, when I'm the one who is crying. I have no trouble soothing or comforting others who cry, but I hate crying myself. Even worse is when other people see or hear me cry. That's why I had my music blasting and my door locked. Well, the locked door was for another reason too. My emotions are currently this snarl that doesn't want to be untangled. I have a feeling that I can't untangle them alone, either, and I don't want to ask anyone to help because I'd be burdening them. I hate feeling like a burden, it makes me so ashamed. The one person I felt like I could tell hasn't talked to me in almost two months, not that I'd want to bother her again. Not after I broke one promise to her... not after she broke promises to me. Although, to be truthful, the promise that I broke wasn't a fair promise at all and it hurt me a lot more than it helped. Point is that I made it and managed to keep it for over a week, no matter that that was one reason why I cried all night. No... I am not going off on that track. That's locked up in a little box and I'm going to keep it that way as long as possible. Bad enough that all the other ones decided to pop open against my will.

It's just... I can't handle all this. And I want my mother, I want her to tell me everything's okay, that she approves of me and things that I've done and want to do. You know how in books or movies, and a lot of time in real life as well, little girls are held by their mother and told everything's okay? Like after a nightmare or a bad day at school. Not with me, my mom never did that. Closest I had was the occasional weekend at my grandma's when she'd let me sleep in her bed after I had a nightmare. For the longest time I'd sneak into my parents' bedroom with my sleeping bag and sleep at the foot or side of the bed after a nightmare. But when mum or dad noticed I was there they sent me back to bed, saying it wasn't healthy for me to do that. Then, one night when I was nine and my brother was seven, I got up in the morning and went to ask mum when we were leaving for school. And there was Nick, sleeping between mom and dad. He'd had a nightmare and they let him sleep in their bed so that he could go back to sleep. I was stunned, and hurt. Even when I was five, two years younger than he was at the time, I had been sent back to my room. I never tried to go to mom or dad after a nightmare or bad day again. It was a lost cause.

Thing is, I want a mother like the ones that seem to want to comfort their daughters instead of make them self-dependent before they're even into double digits. But I know I won't ever have one. If I go to my mother and cry on her shoulder then I know what she'll say, because she's said it so many times before. "If you'd just accept being a Christian again and forget all this homosexual nonsense then everything in your life will be right again." It's burned into my mind, those words in my mother's voice. Nonsense. Who I am is nonsense to my mother, all a lie. She thinks, and says as often as she can manage, that I'm running away from the true me. She doesn't see that, when I'm not wracked by these fits of depression over something one of my family members, usually a parent, or friends does, I'm happier than ever. I don't think she ever will see. And that makes it even worse.

*sighs* Would you believe that nails tear flesh easier than knives at times? Especially knuckles, I realized that this afternoon when I was trying to stop crying. Exchange one pain for another is the way I prefer to go. And physical is a thousand times better than emotional. Better than letting myself think as well. Unfortunately, nothing stops my thoughts for long. Not even sleep. Because now that I actually sleep regularly I dream regularly. They're not even pleasant dreams. They're awful, reflections of whatever I think before falling asleep. I have got to figure out what is wrong with me! I don't like being like this, I feel petty and selfish and... and... I don't know, all out of sorts. This depressed person is not me! Half the time I just feel like I'm watching all this happen from behind bars or something.

Alright, end this random little tangent or whatever you want to call it.

I'm Bored... Again

2005-10-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

So my younger brother (he'll be sixteen onMonday) is here now and I'm still bored. We played a game of chess earlier but he only played one, 'cause I beat him again, hehehe. Anyhow, I'm taking some quizzes so I'm putting them up here. I like having a place to put them so I can come back and look at my results now and again:

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-)
You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person.
Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Me? A sweet talker? Hmmm... *ponders this* You know, I think that might actually be fitting. How very odd.

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

hehehe, I remember taking this awhile back and it's still fitting.

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:
You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.
At Your Lowest:
You require a lot of attention and praise.
In Love:
You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.
How You're Attractive:
You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.
Your Eternal Question:
"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's" Your Power Color?

I have a dramatic flair? o.O Hmmm, well I guess that I can at times and in some ways.

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art.
You would make an excellent:
Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic DesignerIllustrator - Musician - Sculptor
The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

hehehe, fitting

You are Agonistic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care.For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine.You rather focus on what you can control - your own life.And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

So totally me *nods*

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.
Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I severely resent this quiz... I will NEVER be a cheater, never never never! >.> And I couldn't care less about appearing alluring or stylish. I am not a stylish person.

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.
It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.
They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

I resent this one too!!! I am not... okay... I am not OVERLY fussy or painstaking

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Ahhhh, thank you, thank you *bows*

You Are Balanced - Believer - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled both externally and internally.You have a good sense of what you can control and what you should let go.Depending on the situation, you sometimes try to exert more control.Other times, you accept things for what they are and go with the flow.
You are a true believer in luck, fate, and karma.You believe that life is a game of chance - not a game of skill.You either consider yourself very unlucky or very lucky.No matter what, you don't feel like you can change the hand you were dealt.
When it comes to who's in charge, it's you.Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler.You don't care much about what others think.But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test