Can't Stop Shaking

From my waist down finally stopped, but from there up I'm still trembling like a newborn kitten and I don't think it's going to stop anytime soon. I'm still scared out of my wits and I think that if I saw Adam right now I'd probably break down again. He had no right, no right!!!, to just start screaming at me like that. I'd been back for maybe two hours and I'm being accused of making Jen cry, of being a bitch, of making Jen put up with my crap all semester, of being friends with people who manipulate me, of not caring.... Maybe if it had all been in a level tone I could have handled it easier, figured out what the hell was going on. But no, he gets right up in my face and starts shouting at me. Just like Keith used to do whenever I failed at something. He wouldn't leave either, refused to until Jen was out of the shower. Because, of course, he couldn't yell with her there to hear it. I'm guessing that he only sees and hears what people 'apparently' do to Jen, not what she does right back, or even first. I haven't done anything to her! I've put up with her, listened to her, tried to help her out despite the fact that she doesn't usually return the favor (except for the rare few occasions). So Adam wouldn't leave, wouldn't stop screaming at me, so I left. And he yelled, "Yeah that's right, run right to Ashley, the bitch!" But that's not where I went. Dara was there, and I collapsed right next to her door, hardly able to breathe for how hard I was crying.

Then someone, I have no honest idea of who it was, was asking if I was alright and Dara told them to go back to their room. I think they said 'Oh my god' as they left, but then I was going into Dara's room, crying more and trying to tell what had happened. But I was so damn confused! I hardly said thirty words (if even) to Jen and I made her cry?? I'm the bitch, I'm the one who has to be put up with... no, I'm not getting it even now. Yes, there are times when I want to tell Jen to just shut up because the world doesn't revolve around her, she can't always have things go her way, people can be nice even if she doesn't like them anymore... but overall she's not a bad person, just annoying, and frustrating, at times. She never said she had problems with me, nor did Adam. I... Dara and Kelly might be right. It has to be all his built-up anger that just got taken out on me because I was the avaliable target. And Goddess preserve... Kelly thinks I should press charges! Because what he did is a form of assault, especially since I continued to feel extremely threatened over an hour later. I still feel beyond scared... I think that when Sally opens the door in the morning I'm just going to collapse against her and sob.

I severely need to be held right now. But of the four people who I want to be held by, only two are up here... Sally's dead to the world and Ashley's been having enough trouble sleeping. I'm not going to bother her again, a good friend wouldn't do that. Would they? Allee is over six hours away... and Jessica isn't even in reach anymore; she's gone forever. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep. I just texted dad to tell him that he has to call me in the morning before class, I have to tell him what happened and see what he thinks I should do. I need to print out my paper for Composition tomorrow. I need to finish the article on Circle Casting for R.T.C. I need to calm down... damnit, am I just a basketful of needs right now?!

I hope that no one was too disturbed by the shouting earlier (since it happened at about midnight), especially if they were sleeping. I didn't mean to yell, but I was afraid he was going to follow me. And he couldn't hear me if I didn't yell back, and I wanted him to stop... damnit, I'm crying again...

At least I will not cut myself. That is an extremely positive thing.