Livejournal

I'm going to go back to writing/posting in my livejournal instead of here in my blog. Why? I dunno, really, I just feel like it is all. So yeah, that's where any of my rantings/life subjects are going to be posted from now on.

http://desire-of-nymph.livejournal.com/

^-- Link for anyone who might be interested.

Insane

This little project I undertook is absolutely insane, and it's trying to take over my life. *eyes it* Seriously, I even dreamt about it last night!

Two CDs

Would you believe me if I told you that CDs can be the bane of an existence? Or, at least, they can very well make you feel as though you are indeed the bitchiest person in existence. Which I was full well convinced of after I learned how Ashley reacted to the CD I burned for her... oh goddess, I don't think I've ever felt so guilty! It was just something I had thought she might enjoy... but she read into it because of my mistake (I mispoke, I admit it, so this thing was indeed my fault), and I guess she had a point. Some of those songs might very well be fitting for certain things, but the majority aren't, and I never meant to hurt her! Which would be why I'm back here tonight, instead of in a cabin at Harlow Lake, like I should be.

So, Harlow Lake trip was a blast. Kayaking on the lake at night, playing games with Addie, Shannon, John, Krystle (not my suitemate), Jeff, Cathy, Jamie, Nikki, John (tall), and Ryan; hiking around, having a fire to watch, being outside... it's a beautiful place, and I wish that I could've enjoyed it more than I did. It rained while we were there too, but that was fine for the most part. I like hearing rain as it falls, and I don't even mind it falling on me most of the time. Oh yeah, tonight was probably the most fun. We were all there (we all being everyone listed above, plus me, duh), and for awhile we played Cranium. Shannon gave us cake that had been soaked in... Kalua? I don't know how to spell it, some sort of liquor. Then there was the hooka (think I spelled that right... one of those smoking-things), and THAT was good for me. Shannon told me that I should go try it, so I did, and I enjoyed myself enough to stay out there with John, Jeff, and Dan throughout a bowl and a quarter, about. Probably got my fill of smoke for awhile... but it tasted, and smelled nice, and it helped me to relax. Oh, why did I need to relax despite being in a gorgeous, wooded area with a lake right there?

Because of the CD situation mentioned in paragraph #1. I burned a CD for Ashley that I thought she'd like, not even thinking of how some of those songs might come across. So she got it Saturday morning while I was at Harlow. Then she listened to it, and informed Dan of something that made my world feel like it was crashing. I stuck around at Harlow all evening, but I decided that there was no way in hell I was staying there overnight when I could come back to Playground and set things right. I was going to set them right, damnit, because I knew how big a mistake it would be to let her sleep on that. So I drag myself through a half mile of woods in the dark, while it's pouring, carrying all my stuff, just to get back here around one in the morning and tell her all of this. Also to learn that she made me a CD as well... and she stayed in here while I listened to it. It... it... it made me feel worse about all of this, as did knowing that Nicole basically wanted to kill me, probably as much as Krystle, Missy, and Cyndi wanted to take out Ashley last week. But I deserved it, I really did. And something good did come out of this... Ashley is probably one of the best friends I've ever had this fast, and losing her would probably be like cutting off my hand, no matter what. And if thinking that those songs were true with how I felt about her made her react like that, then she wants to lose me about as much as I want to lose her.

Quick comment: Missy's funny drunk ^-^

I'm Going To Be Sick

I haven't felt this bad in a really, really, REALLY long time... and that's saying a lot, for me. It's as though the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach absolutely exploded and is now throbbing throughout my entire body. This bad feeling is going to be one that sticks around for awhile, I can just tell, because nothing is going to be able to make it better. Anyway that it goes, something bad is going to happen.

I keep thinking of my mother and my father, of what they did when faced with the problem now commonly known as 'Katie'. And I'm sure that they were wonderful people, great friends, but neither was ready to be a parent, and neither was ready to be married. I think of my life when they were married and I cringe, I think of their divorce and I cringe even more.

Now don't get me wrong. I may think one way, but I will always be supportive of my friends, and the choices they make. I'll smile and be happy for them. I just pray to whatever gods happen to be listening right now that something happens to make this feeling leave before it gets any worse. And not because I can't take it, because I can. But because I can't stand knowing that something wrong is happening with someone I care about. That is the worst sort of knowledge that it is possible to ever have.

Forgive Me

Sorry that I had to go and open my mouth

That my hand decided to write those words

That my tongue gave voice to them

Sorry a hundred times for that.

My apologies for the way I act around you

For the way my eyes just light up

For how I try to make you smile

My apologies over and over again.

Forgive me for what my heart decided to do

It decided to have me fall

Long, hard fall; hurt us both pretty bad

Forgive me for falling in love with you.

Pardon me please, for those mistakes that I made

For making you feel as though you had to lie

I never knew it was like that, you never told me!

Pardon me for the way that I felt.

Excuse my actions over these past few months

It was such a wonder to feel... I guess I felt too much

Never again will it happen, you can bet on that

Excuse me just once more.

Understand that I never, ever meant to cause you pain

That was my very last intent, you know that

I trusted you... you trusted me... that's what friendship's supposed to be

Understand that I'll never ask for more again.

Seek out that which you decided to hide

Hidden because of me, as I only just learned

If only you had told me sooner... why didn't you?

Seek out yourself as best as you can.

Remember all that was said

I know I will, I'll hold you to it

I'm not about to let such a friend slip away

Remember... don't forget to remember me.

Yeah... I started that one this afternoon because I just knew that I was going to need it later, and I did. Finished it now, and here's the end result. How sorry can a girl get? Pretty damn sorry, once she learns a few things she never suspected. And once she learns that she's basically losing a close friend for goddess knows how long... true friend gone, replaced by superficial. I can understand, and accept that, but I'm not going to like it. But... awhile like this will be worth it in the end, I hope. If it isn't then I don't think that I'm going to have any desire to trust anyone again, not if it ends like this. I'm going to go for a walk now. Then I'm going to start on my research paper. No, I'm not sleeping. Fuck sleep.

Better Days

Now, last night and today are reasons why I totally love being up here. Yesterday was fun for the fact that I went and played softball for the first time in like, three years. Totally going to have to play at the family reunion this- oh wait, no I don't, because I'm not going there. Damnit, even the good aspects of that place don't outweigh remembering and missing Jessica. Anyhow, softball, right. Went to one of the diamonds nearby with Theresa, Mark, Mike, Bob, Chris, Tim, and Terry to play. Four to a team, and my team totally did better. We didn't keep score though, it was just for fun. Which is good, because I hit straight to the pitcher at least three times. Did catch that ball Theresa hit though... that was pretty good. Didn't even hurt myself in the process! Then what... oh yeah, came back, got my arm bandaged by Ashley again when she saw that my other bandage had been removed, watched 50 First Dates, read a bit of Sociology, and listened to lots of music.

Today involved more studying, then a picnic out in the courtyard with Ashley, Nicole, and Jon. PB&J sandwhiches are still as good as ever, and so is cream soda. We played Uno for a bit too, and I actually won once. This is a surprise because right after Jon left, Ashley and Nicole teamed up to kick my ass at it. That's okay though, because that one game never, ever ended. (At least half an hour long) Well... it sorta did, after Taylor showed up. It ended in a mini-wrestling between me and Ashley, then we just started another game. After one or two more (no, I can't remember how many more we played) Ashley decided to leave. But noooo, nothing can be that simple. She also decided she wanted to empty the remainder of her pop on me, and I decided that I didn't want that. So ensued an actual wrestling match that had to go for at least five minutes before we basically stopped. It was kinda... fun though, yeah, that's the term I want. Even if I do have a bite-mark on my back from that one to match the one on my shoulder from the first. It's fine though, I left two marks on her too. My rock-scrape decided to open back up too, but eh, it didn't really hurt until Ashley put that ointment on it again. Taylor left sometime while we were messing around, and Nicole had just sat there the entire time, typing away on her laptop. But still, that was quite fun. And the picnic was too, even though it was a little chill.

Okay, back to my Soc. studying again, and then Underworld 2 around nine with Nicole, Cat, and Amber. Damn Sociology... hope that Sally remembered to study a little this weekend >.>

Okay, have to add this in too. I was just talking with Theresa and she totally made me smile even more than I already was. We were talking about how we're both looking forward to next semester, got onto my roommate (and the former) and she did this imitation of Bob saying, "Katie is just the nicest person, it was not her that drove Jen out." Which made me grin. Sure, I'm not nice all the time (I'll own up to it), but that still made me smile. And now I'm really going to go study Soc.

I...

I want to go back to the Property, and I want to go there right now. Or, at the very least, that place in Presque Isle where I felt so serene and at peace. It isn't going to happen, but I want it too. Well, I could go to Presque Isle, but my feet would probably commit suicide if I walked there, around, and then back. Not to mention that it might not be the best idea in the world for me to be near anything that high by myself for the day. I had a not-so-great night. A really not so great night. Which I still can't figure out, and believe me, I've been trying. Even after I got a touch on the drunk side, I was trying to figure it out. Even after I got put into bed by Ashley for the... umm... that must've been the third time. Can't do, there is no way to figure it out. Because it doesn't make sense, at all. I could understand a hell of a lot easier if things didn't seem like they were on a double-standard. Which, they totally are, and I know it. Everyone knows it. I want nothing more than to just cry about it, but I can't. Because right now I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything. I feel numb again.

So... what did I do with that wall...